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Stanford v California
A man of the people.
Photo by Cody Glenn/Getty Images

Oski, we call upon you. As you robotically high-step your furry body across heavenly grass fields, hear our prayer:

Oski Wow-Wow!

Whiskey Wee-Wee!

Olee! Muckie-eye!

Olee! Berkeley-eye!

California! Wow!

The students of Cal now have rarely, if ever, heard the Oski Yell, but it used to ring loud and clear throughout Memorial Stadium - and, as some of you may know, the orangemen of Illinois were Oski’s original disciples. Though, Illinois called him by a different name, Oskee, and the orangemen have since been separated from our cult.

That’s a pretty good metaphor for Illinois as a whole - weak! While we continue our fervent worship, they have fallen off. Their path has led them to a dark and profane place, and it is our duty, to remind them of the one true way. Our forthcoming crusade will not just be for the honor of Oski, but to show the nonbelievers what they have lost. We will be gracious in their defeat, of course, and will openly accept the lost lambs returning home, but the Redbox Bowl will become a monument for the glory of the kingdom of the furry god.

So, Cal fans, for the last time this decade, I need you!

TO GIVE ME A C!

The flaws of the Illini stem from the top. Look at Lovie!

Rutgers v Illinois Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

Gaze upon the decrepit, if you can! His beard, though of an impressive length, shows how Father Time comes for all. He looks like he came down my chimney last week. The Illinois’ players won’t have been able to practice for the bowl, since they were conscripted into making all the toys. And they certainly can’t be having a nutritious diet, what with all the milk and cookies they’re probably forced to eat.

Meanwhile, look at this beautiful man:

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: NOV 23 Cal at Stanford Photo by Cody Glenn/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Now that’s a man who eats his Wheaties, and why our Bears run through brick walls on the daily.

GIVE ME AN A!

In case you’ve forgotten (but you really shouldn’t’ve), we’ve got the Axe. That’s like a superpower. Our players’ stats just increased +10 across the board. Throughout the year, we’ve been tested in battle and only came out strengthened. Iron sharpened iron. And most importantly... we are healthy (but we’ll miss you Ashtyn and Trey!).

AND GIVE ME AN L!

It’s time to exorcise the demons of the Cheez-It Bowl. It’s time to step up to the next level. It’s time to put the PAC-12 on notice for next year, and make everyone start getting nervous when they see us on their schedule. We’re back in the Bay, in front of our home crowd, and ready to kick off this decade. It won’t just be a new year, but a new era for the Golden Bears.

So, for one last time, we get to watch the Weav.

One last time, the original #TAKERS will take the field.

And one last time, we can all be loud and proud in the heart of Bear Territory. Bears by 50.

What’s that spell? CAL!

Who are we? CAL!

And who’s gonna win? CAL!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEARS!