We weren’t able to get in touch with our usual UCLA contacts so we check in with current Cal Rivals’ and former CGB writer Nam Le. He’s probably the closest thing we know to a UCLA fan since he is a graduate school alumni of the southern branch. So we go live to our southern branch correspondent. Nam?
Which player on offense should Cal fans know about?
Can I say nobody? No? Well, fine. Let’s start with this -- that guy who ran over your team last year? Joshua Kelley, from your backyard up in Davis? Not as good this year. Still deadly, but the offensive line hasn’t really been able to get him free as consistently. Instead, you might want to pay attention to Dorian Thompson-Robinson, a true dual-threat -- we know how you struggle with those guys -- still gets sacked too often for anyone’s liking and has 11 interceptions on the year, but has proven himself a true never-say-die type of dude. Should be a game time decision regarding his health, though.
Which player on defense should Cal fans know about?
Well, there’s our senior led LB corps, who are 6th in the country in Havoc Rate between Krys Barnes (10 TFL), Lokeni Toailoa (6.5 TFL), Leni Toailoa (7 TFL), and Josh Woods (6 TFL). However, the highest rated Bruin according to PFF grades is Osa Odighiszuwa, who generates a pressure roughly 9% of the time, so if there’s anyone to stop Chase Garbers, it’ll be somewhere in that pack of names. Definitely do not look for us in the back 4. Do not, at any costs, look at the passing grades against our secondary.
Who’s one under-the-radar or X-factor player who could swing this game for you?
Devin Asiasi. Cal’s struggles with big tight ends are well known, and Asiasi has come off of 3 TDs in the last 4 weeks, plus a 141 receiving yard game against the Trojans.
What does UCLA need to do to win the game?
Well, pray? Outside of that, we’re gonna need a healthy DTR, play clean, turnover-free football, plus make Chase Garbers uncomfortable.
What does Cal need to do to win the game?
Show up, mostly. Assuming that happens, I think you’re fairly familiar with the script for a Cal victory.
How do you see the game going?
Man, we just want this thing over with. We have no fans who want to come out to Pasadena, there’s not that much to play for since we already lost the Victory Bell, there’s rumors that our coach wants to go back to the NFL, and we were eliminated months ago. All that’s really left is for our seniors to get out of here quickly with a degree from a second tier public university.
Whom do you most want to punch in the face?
As you may or may not have heard, I already “punched” TwistNHook in the face two weeks ago, but because it’s always a solid answer, let’s just say him again.
*The following was satirical and not indicative of a real UCLA fan’s views.