It is said that the world’s best swordsman has no fear for the world’s second-best swordsman—it is the world’s worst swordsman who is cause for concern. If this is remotely true, then Zona had better bend over and bear down, ‘cuz we’re their Ultimate Huckleberry.
Sadly enough, there’s not enough coke—Mexican or otherwise—to sugar-coat the stark reality that this game is a foregone conclusion.
We ain’t gonna win this one. The Computer Overlords claim a 3% chance. I claim that the computers got high sniffing bitcoin algorithms and randomly threw out a single-digit number just because Skynet really does want to kill us all.
There’s a 0% chance.
They could parachute in Lorenzo Romar in an Easter Bunny suit from the rafters while he plays “Back in Black” on a harpsichord, have him do the Hammer-Time shuffle along the sidelines while randomly shooting his own players in the buttocks with the free T-shirt cannon, and spend each time-out biting the heads off of chickens before dunking his head into ice buckets and this game would still be less of a sideshow than the apocalyptic wedgie heading towards Sean Miller and the late Arizona program.
Perhaps Bill Walton says it best:
“A demonic aura has descended upon the desert. Sean Miller’s ability to smell colors and taste rainbows is gone. Mars is calling us to leave Miller’s evil realm. I HEAR YOU FATHER MARS! Do you hear Him, Dave? Your name is Dave, right?”
Then, the rumor mill gossips about Miller being paid 10ish million if he’s fired for cause as opposed to 5ish million for none. Which is then refuted.
Honestly, I’m not sure that any of us care about the game other than to pop popcorn and wait.
I idly thought of starting this preview with a re-write of “One Shining Moment” as “One Sweating Felon.”
I don’t know who, what, when
Where did it start?
No matter when, where
That pay-off came from my heart
I got your cash laundered solidly
So nothing looks amiss
I want to say while I’ve got the chance
Before I plead the Fifth
I’m one sweating felon
Morals, fair play - that’s just a solid nope
Hot damn, I’m one sweating felon
And when they lock my cheatin’ ass up
I’ll try not to drop the soap
I thought about writing a whole wire-tap scene capturing how Alonzo Trier blew another banned substance test:
SM: “C’mon ‘Zo. You gotta feel it!!!”
AT: “No, Coach. I really don’t.”
SM: “It’ll change your life.”
AT: “I think I’m gonna throw up, Coach.”
SM: “Dude. It’s like if you took a mink pelt and massaged it with Penzoil. In fact, I call that Tuesday night.”
AT: “I ain’t gonna stroke your hair, man!”
SM: “Silky smooth, baby.”
AT: “(expletive). Fine. (expletive). Now leave me the hell alone…Goddammit-my fingers are tingly and I can’t feel my teef anymo…”
But honestly, I’ve got nuthin’. As fun as it is to poke fingers at another program’s downfall, it doesn’t change the harsh truth that we have an under-qualified soulless shill at our helm whose answers wage war between vapid and oblivious. When he can spare the time from ignoring fans, suspending assistant coaches who actually understand basketball and throwing players under the bus, he...doesn’t do anything else remotely productive. Maybe he knits doilies for the Coaches In Prison Club.
Even if he manages to find the Holy Grail and somehow signs Jordan Brown, I’d still be waiting for the NCAA to drop the Holy Hand Grenade of sanctions upon us.
But if there’s one nice thing about drinking the Jonestown Kool-Aid, it is ultimately a self-limiting process. So, respect the process and pray that it is at least inexorable albeit crucifyingly slow. With the lamest of waterfowl as our athletic director and a proven track record of Cal being Cal, expect both the AD search and hire to be uniquely Cal. No matter who is hired, the odds of someone coming in and showing enough breathtakingly decisive gumption to immediately excise a cancer would be slimmer than our epic shooting percentages. Perhaps the universe will pay Reef’s variance-debt back with a homerun hi....hahahaha. Nope.
In a classic SNL skit spoofing Apollo 13, the crew radioed, “Houston, we have a problem. Our lavatory system has gone done.”
The reply: “No problem, Apollo 13. Please engage emergency back-up procedures.”
“Houston, what are those exactly?”
“Step One: Cross your right leg over your left.”
“Done. Now what?”
“Sit tight, Apollo 13. Sit tight.”
If nothing else, appreciate the young men who have chosen to wear the blue and gold. Despite being poorly led and taught, the effort they leave on the floor is commendable. It says a lot for their character and at least gives hope that these young Bears will continue to work and to develop their games.
Roster: (HT to Nick Kranz for bios. Some editorial license taken)
Small Parker Jackson-Cartwright 5-foot nuthin, a hundred and nuthin. - Doesn’t have to do much but pass the ball to those other guys and occasionally hit a 3, but he does that job well
Druggie Allonzo Trier - Ineligible for another failed PED test.
Less Small Rawle Alkins Guard-sized, and 12 stone - missed 9 games to start the season with a broken foot (and 3 of Arizona’s 4 losses), but has been a near Trier statistical clone since coming back
Big Dusan Ristic - Was shaving as a toddler. Nurses trying to weigh/measure him were all eaten. - Overshadowed by Ayton, but he’s a solidly above average post in every way.
Really Big Deandre Ayton Two stories tall, 800 lbs. - Likely Pac-12 POY, one of a handful of players who could go #1 in the draft. A shot making, rebounding, foul drawing monster who will emerge from the ashes of the Zona program like a wealthy phoenix. With the millions he’ll make in the NBA, he’s going to blow that 100k on designer underwear...for his pet aardvark.
G Brandon Randolph - Don’t care
G Dylan Smith - Starting now. But don’t care
F Ira Lee - Turned down Cal. So really don’t care.
G Alex Barcello - Who?
F Keanu Pinder - What?
G Emmanuel Akot - When?
Keys to Victory:
1) Call your Mom.
2) Do something fun with friends or family.
3) Eat healthier, exercise more.
4) Learn to meditate.
5) Cross those legs, Cal fans and sit tight.
Tip: Saturday, March 3, 2018 at 3:30 pm
TV: Pac-12 Networks