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The Marshawnpocalypse

A chronicle of future times, excerpted from the Holy Book of Marshawn, the Testament of the Beastquake

Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

November 13, Day 9 of the Beast Times

For the first time since The Giveaway, I have a chance to reflect on this new reality.

I'm on watch above Euclid Avenue. What's left of my group controls the North highlands, a powerful strategic advantage that we must maintain to protect the resources that will sustain us in the coming months. We have already begun rationing.

Try as I might to resist, my thoughts drift to friends and family I've lost. We lost a third of the tailgate the day of The Giveaway, and another 3rd during a pitched battle three days later to claim the highlands. It was a necessary but costly victory, one we could not afford to repeat. Dwelling on what we had lost would only soften the mind and the senses, something I couldn't afford while on watch.

The sheer horror of The Giveaway still didn't fully register with most of us.

Washington fans were the first casualties, metaphorical (or, in the case of the Rally Committee assault, literal) cannon fodder who had no idea what was in store for them. But as soon as the interlopers were dispatched the home crowd quickly and shockingly fell into warring factions, with frenzied alliances made and broken in those hours of violent jousting outside of the fences.

Nobody knows how many of the 10,000 precious idols remain. But nobody doubts their power and significance. The wars to gather and maintain them shall test us all. Thankfully, ours is safe  atop Grizzly Peak.

I'm broken out of my reverie by the call to worship before sundown. I leave my post and head towards our shrine, to worship the idol that we know will protect us in these dangerous days.

November 16th, Day 12 of the Beast Times

Campus officials emerged from behind their barricaded doors in Sproul Hall to beg for an end to violence. They don't understand him. They never understood him. It mattters not - their mistake to weaken their defenses has resulted in the storming and burning of Sproul.

December 2, Day 29 of the Beast Times

Our campus raid was risky, but in the end a partial success. We were unable to capture the student's idols, but we captured necessary food and weapons from what remains of Terrace Cafe and the engineering complex. We feel more secure in our ability to hold our territory and repel attacks. Truly Marshawn shines upon us now!

If the students could unite they would present a faction that could easily extend control over Lynchland, but thankfully they are riven by internal conflict and plotting. ASUC leaders tried to assert control but were quickly removed from power and assumed dead. Our spies report that a tenuous Greek alliance holds sway but their attempts to rein in the co-ops and graduate students have been wildly ineffective.

While we are confident in our position, we have sent offers to ESPers - while their wealth no longer has any value in Lynchland, they still control important physical resources that could prove to make for a powerful alliance.

December 6, Day 33 of the Beast Times

Disaster has befallen our tribe. Truly, Marshawn has smoted us with the most painful of stiff arms. Where did we stray in our faith? The ESPers seemed to accept our offer of a partnership, but it was all a ruse, and their spies have stolen away with our idol.

An immediate response is called for, but despair has spread throughout camp, and I fear that morale is too low to possibly claim victory. What have we done to incur such wrath? It is as if life is an unending press conference, but we've been fined anyway.

December 13, Day 40 of the Beast Times

Order and balance has been restored! Our tribe executed a daring and cunning attack to regain our lost idol. Inspired by Him, the day was won when our vanguard executed a sudden reversal of field to surprise the enemy under cover of rain and fog.

We offer blessings and sacrifices to our restored totem. Come one and all, gather to give homage! Our precious has returned!


January 15, Day 73 of the Beast Times

Today our party happened upon some unfortunately unaware normies wearing red. Their flesh will nourish us for weeks.

February 2, Day 91 of the Beast Times

Some in our party idly joke about whether or not Marshawn saw his shadow today. But those old holidays hold no meaning now.

There is a palpable nervousness around camp. Rumors have spread that morning will bring a raid from the Fun Zone children who were abandoned the day of The Giveaway. All of the tribes of Lynchland have grown to fear their savagery.

March 19, Day 136 of  the Beast Times

Tonight we pondered critical religious and philosophical questions, the better with which to connect with Him. Will Marshawn save everyone, or only those who partake in his pepsi and skittles? How does one enter Beast Mode, and how should one behave upon reaching this higher plane of understanding?

As the world burns around me, I find comfort in my constant effort to be closer to Him.

April 22, Day 170 of the Beast Times

On the day of the birth of our savior, a truce is called. Our tribe marks the occasion by breaking into our reserve stores. Each member receives 7 skittles each. We spend the solemn occasion discussing which flavor Marshawn would declare his favorite. No consensus is reached, but by wide acclaim it is decided that Tropical is undesirable and Wild Berry is underrated in its holiness.

May 2, Day 180 of the Beast Times

One by one, tribes are falling. Bandos. Gold Zone. Bear Insiders. Other tribes have been irrevocably weakened. Some plan to make a final stand on Memorial Glade tomorrow, while the stronger tribes plan to go for a final victory.

We prepare for this final confrontation. We believe that just three idols remain. Some contend that if all three are brought together, it will imbue their carrier with the Power of the Beast. I personally think that it is blasphemous to suggest that any of us would be capable of either understanding or controlling that type of power.

Our battle plans have been laid out. We have placed our affairs in order should we not survive the day.

May 3, Day 1 of the New Era of Marshawn


As the last remaining tribes gathered for the final battle for supremacy, we were visited by Him! The Beast Himself! He chastised us for our warring ways, for our failure to follow His path, and we felt much shame. He demanded that he be brought the last 3 remaining idols, and hurled them onto the ground in one cathartic act of destruction.

He reminded us that our rage and violence shalt be saved and only used against the enemy, and that our failure makes us as wretched as the Carroll who also failed to trust Him in his moment of greatest need. Then he departed, ghost riding the entire way as we rubbed our eyes in disbelief.

We're going to the Pinole Applebees to celebrate, it's our understanding that the violence of the Beast Times has not spread that far north. We believe that the decor AND ambiance will be to His liking.