The Stanfurd Band will be on timeout

Update: It appears that the band’s suspension has been shortened from 18 months to just “through next spring.” Not as good as we were hoping for, but any time without this abomination is still time without this abomination.

Original: Amid controversies related to underage drinking, hazing, sexual misconduct, and an atrocious sense of humor, Stanfurd Junior University has decided the world needs a little break from their terror.

The band will be suspended for at least 18 months and reconstituted under a professional director, university officials said Friday. The members and other students received the news a week before finals.

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“We do not feel that the current leadership or membership is capable of creating the necessary cultural change,” the OCB panel wrote in a letter. “We feel there is a total lack of accountability and responsibility in the current organization.”

The university said the band will lose its status as a registered student organization through the end of the 2017-18 school year. The suspension includes loss of access to the Band Shak, band funds and all benefits, rights and privileges members receive.

An anonymous current member of these rapscallions has stated his concern that these jokes “will not retain any of its same character” under the mandated leadership. Conversely, that’s what the rest of us are all hoping for.

It’s news like this that fill the pit of despair that I call life with hope that there may be a god after all.