Restore your faith in Oski, hallowed be his name

Note: If you're the type of person that tends to be humorless about your religion or your sports fandom, it might be best to skip this post.

Cal fans, welcome. What a beautiful day it is, here in Oski's favorite state. I'm here today to relate to you a story, one that I hope you'll take to heart.

I want you to know that I haven't always been faithful. Try as I might, I've had my doubts in life. If you've read my writing here are CGB, you might have used adjectives like ‘cold' or ‘analytical' or ‘show-some-emotion-you-passionless-monster.' Sometimes it's tough to believe.

And how Oski has challenged us! You know that it's been nearly seven years since a bowl win for California's chosen people. You know that ages have gone by since our children have last witnessed a triumph over Stanford or USC. You know it because you have suffered along with me through those dark, tough days.

But my friends . . . my family . . . I have a message of hope. This very Sunday, I woke up in the morning, and I turned on the television. But this was no ordinary Sunday. This was a Sunday of renewal, of rebirth. This was a Sunday that would change my life.

A gentleman named Joel Osteen Oskieen changed me, that day. When I turned on that television, he spoke to me. Ordinarily I would have quickly changed the channel. But his words immediately grabbed my attention. Did he just say Stanford?! Surely he didn't just mention laterals?!?

He did! Finally, somebody who understands our struggle! The message, of course, is best conveyed out loud:

In the past, I only trusted what my eyes and ears told me. But I have been reborn, brothers and sisters of California!

So take those words with you, and live by them. Make them your mantra. When USC takes a 21-0 lead on our Bears, and that devilish dirge never ceases, STAND UP! Tell those Trojans:

Get your marching band off my field!

When UCLA sins by adding legato when their shalt only be staccato, STAND UP! Tell those Bruins

Get your marching band off my field!

When Pac-12 refs whistle for charges when they be blocks and blocks when they be charges, STAND UP! Tell those zebras:

Get your marching band off my field!

When it's halftime of the most holiest day of the season, and the Stanford band defiles our beliefs, STAND UP! Tell those heathens:

GET YOUR MARCHING BAND OFF MY FIELD!

And if you believe in Oski, and if you keep the faith and keep fighting for California, Oski will keep that dream alive in you.

And if you keep that faith, and keep working, no matter the trial, Oski will deliver. One rival will be smote by sanctions. Another will see their coach get hired for a different job. Another will see their best players leave their flock. You may not be able to remove the competition, but Oski may remove it.

You can't stop Oski's plan for your life. He has already taken bad breaks and setbacks into account. Oski knows.

He knows you have suffered through bad Luck and Harbaugh and Monty-before-he-was-redeemed.

Our story won't end in mediocrity and defeat. His enemies thought they killed Oski! Oski said: put that party on hold! I'm still alive, and the story isn't over yet. It ends with the red turning to the green, as it was told to us in scripture.

Thank you, and Oski bless.