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#HIRENAM for Wide Receivers Coach, Sonny!

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You know you want to.

Nobody can replace Coach Likens. Except me.
Nobody can replace Coach Likens. Except me.

To whom it may concern at the California Athletics headquarters,

We are both aware that the Bears have a problem: two open offensive staff positions, and no one having yet filled them. Well, allow me to volunteer my services, and consider this to be my formal application for the currently vacant wide receivers coaching position.

Below, I will document the reasons behind my immense hire-ability, but I first want to present to you with my letters of recommendation, which come from the two men who recently departed the program:

Surely, there can be no higher seal of approval than that, no?

The case behind #hirenam:

  • Having covered the team closely for what will be my fourth season now -- my second here at California Golden Blogs, a site you now respect enough to grant traditional media privileges -- I have an encyclopediac knowledge of the talent already on hand. Ryan Gorcey has often likened me to a human computer, in that regard.
  • You may know that I grew up dreaming about being a Golden Bear, so I've walked this campus many times. I graduated from this campus -- and if hired I would not rest until we are back where we belong: Pasadena, on January 1st. I know intimately the deep desire for such an accomplishment, and I am certain I would be able to pitch both it and an the benefits of Berkeley to prospective student-athletes.
  • Although I currently make my residence in Santa Monica and would not technically be a hands on coach, I am well positioned to conduct strategic espionage and counter-recruit against not one, but two conference rivals. Actual sabotage would not be out of the question either, for the right price.
  • Speaking of price, my salary demands start at absolutely nothing and end at literally pennies. I am a graduate student, and therefore not in a position to turn down money of any kind, nor am I a risk to walk out for a higher price tag. You could dedicate the rest of the budget to hiring a top notch offensive line coach!
  • Are you tired of portioning off some of the recruiting budget for flights and drives down to Southern California? No worries -- I own my own transportation that can get to anywhere in the LA Area. IE, The Valley, anywhere you want. That frees you to dedicate the staff's efforts more nationally.
  • I have extensive experience doing my own amateur scouting for players that already fit the Cal system, having covered and broken down tape on two entire recruiting classes already.
  • In this day and age, no team can survive without a very active and savvy social media presence -- the kind that is becoming more and more crucial for attracting both eyes and interest in our program. Check!
  • I also have an Xbox 360 and a PS4. Whatever the kids are into these days, you can bet I still am, at 23. My working relationships with many of the players surely does not hurt either.
  • Well-versed in memery and catchphrases #drop50 #anythingishaasible #learntup
  • Many, many (virtual) seasons of experience and recordbreaking success with the Air Raid playbook on the NCAA football series. Mesh, Y-stick, four verts, power, inside zone. draws, your variety of screens...I've got working knowledge of all of them, with the ability to communicate that knowledge effectively, thanks to my background in education.
  • While I have no athletic experience and am more likely to curl up into the fetal position than actually catch a pass, I could instruct our wideouts quite effectively through the negative -- our players could learn best from seeing, day after day, how not to do things.
  • For more evidence of my ability to instruct, please note that The Nam Le System consists of two simple rules: Catch The Ball and Score Touchdowns. More can be yours for the low low price of...whatever my salary happens to be.
  • Furthermore, coming from a teaching background, my passion for developing students -- and student-athletes -- of character, integrity, and moral upstanding is far more than just talk. Program culture is a precious thing, and preserving it would be one of my highest priorities.
  • Was voted best teammate in my one season of high school ball, which was spent playing...you guessed it, wide receiver.

Further testimonials below:

Just shoot me an email, give me a call, tweet me, text me, use telegraph, whatever. I can start immediately, Coach Dykes. #HIRENAM