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Cal Football Uniforms Analysis: They Exist!

The California Golden Bears will wear football uniforms next year. This is a good thing.

Cal Bears

My thoughts on the new uniforms-first of all, so, so many of them. The long-anticipated unveiling finally allowed all of us to see what is in store for our future-symbolically, visually, uni-formally. What was once veiled was last week unveiled. I use that word deliberately; yes, the uni-formal début was akin to a bridal veil rising, revealing the yet unseen, untouched object of enigma, love, desire, rendered visible at last in the golden, sacred light of heightened, fulfilled spirituality.

I mean, I wasn't there, but I'm pretty sure everyone who was would have described it similarly.

Upon opening my eyes to the Smart Phone screen that was still, after twenty seconds of concertedly shutting myself off to the visual world, being held in front of me as Avi unsolicitedly updated me on the worldwide reactions to the new uniforms, I, too, found myself unavoidably positioned to formulate an opinion on the charming couture our players will sport this coming season. Countless fears, worries, and anxieties were allayed as soon as I glimpsed this great new garb. Here are just a few of the main sentiments that resonated with me in regards to the athletic attire of 18-22 year old dudes:

  • First of all, the C in "California" was not changed to a K. Really, really happy about that!
  • Additionally, in that same vein of well-advised linguistic decisions, while Cal marketing teams ensure that we respect the past, represent the future, and are updated with the hippest of the hip in terms of pop culture (ex. Cal sending off the victorious football players to Owl City's Fireflies after the spring game) "California" was not changed to "Kardashian." Can you imagine the endorsement deals with the E! network? Sonny Dykes doing his nails with the Real Housewives of Moraga? Bryce Treggs and Chris Harper seeing which Louboutins fit them the best? The possibilities would have been endless!
  • Also, the Cal script helmets were not individualized and randomized with the names "Kim", "Kourtney" and "Khloe". Each player would have gotten the chance to choose their own Kardashian and fight for her honor! Alas.
  • The colors of the uniforms seem to involve blue and gold. Really happy about this as well. I was hoping that there would be an actual screensaver loading on every helmet, but sometimes our dreams are best left in our heads.
  • The colors of the uniforms are not red and white. I'm pretty sure everyone but TwistNHook feels particular relief at this aspect.
  • The uniforms look like they will be able to accommodate for the padding that is typically worn during football games. It seems like it is most likely adequately stretchy.
  • Chain mail will neither be required for jousting, nor close-range attacks from direwolves.
  • At this point, it's looking like they made enough uniforms for every player to wear in every game. Lord knows how everyone would react if Zach Kline had to march out of that tunnel shirtless. The aneurysms that day!
  • The text on the uniform is, in fact, the English word for "California." I thought that the decision not to translate it into a language like French, Russian or Dorthraki was well-advised. Although if we were to satisfy Berkeley's traditional political archetypes, I feel the Russian Bear would have been an appropriate logo change.


  • Each uniform includes a top-part, a bottom-part, and maybe socks. I'm still a little bit anxious about the socks. Did anyone happen to see if there were socks involved, or have we signed an exclusive contract with Vibram Five Fingers?


  • Represent the future!

To some, the uniform revealing may not seem like a big deal. Some people may point out that the uniforms kind of look like... um... football uniforms. Some people may be completely confused and find it totally arbitrary and perplexing that Cal marketing has gone to who even knows what kinds of lengths to get Jason Kidd, Marshawn Lynch, Alysia Montano, and other notable athletic alums to comment on probably the one thing that they really can't say much about other than "Wow, nice. It looks...nice." But those are the people who do not understand how slight, tiny amendments to athletic outfits worn by our football team are among the most compelling topics of discussion around. Plus, what else do we have to talk about as Cal fans? It's not like one of our teams just made school history or something.

Anyway, back to the uniforms. Uniforms, uniforms, uniforms. I just can't say it or hear it enough. I simply love the word. Please say it more. Please, everyone. If you comment on this post, I hope it will be with the word "uniform." Preferably repeated into the beautiful, mind-blowing space of infinity that it deserves to occupy.