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Breaking news: Steve Sarkisian employs injury fakers, David Shaw fakes not faking injuries

Also breaking: Everyone fakes injuries, everyone fakes not faking injuries.

"So Tosh told him to go down on one leg...."
"So Tosh told him to go down on one leg...."
Joe Nicholson-US PRESSWIRE

(Associated Perakeets) In a statement made today at a Stanfurd press conference in an undisclosed location (a source claims it's Jamba Juice), David Shaw angrily retorted at Steve Sarkisian's notion that his team fakes injuries ever. At all. Not once! Not next year! Not tomorrow. It just doesn't happen at Stanfurd, the land where farts can be converted into gold and no one ever gets a C.

David Shaw then dropped the mic (but not his mango-a-go-go).

Ironically, Shaw should really be thanking Lupoi, because before this happened...

THIS happened.

So Furd were the early adopters, but the evidence wasn't as blatant as it was at Berkeley.

So clearly Furd never faked injuries because they never got called out for faking injuries. That's the way the world of faking injuries turns.

(Speaking of which, Northwestern probably faked injuries this season against Cal but hey they won so it's obviously a feasible strategy and man isn't Pat Fitzgerald just so excited out there and look at him dance like all middle aged men should.)

Staring longfully at a mint chocolate chip ice cream cookie sandwich from CREAM, the folorn Cal defensive coordinator Andy Buh mournfully decreed, "Faking injuries? Man, that would be a really nice idea, except if I had to take one of my  defensive players out for a play, I might have to replace him with a fan from the stands. Now, I know Fred Sproul might have the moxie, but does he have the muscle? Like any of it?"

"Should I give Fred my sandwich? I really like this sandwich. Who thought of this idea to put ice cream between two cookies? I wish I was the person who came up with this idea."

Note for the humorless: This article is satirical in nature because duh.