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Steve Sarkisian: Why Would Anyone Go To Cal? They Haven't Been To A Rose Bowl In 188 Years

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After Jeff Tedford seemed to bury the hatchet on Tosh Lupoi, Washington head coach Steve Sarkisian decided it was a good idea to reopen it by making fun of Cal at a Washington Husky pep rally. It's not like this thing is being recorded or anything! That's why we have the whole 950 KJR crew here!

Well let's hear his stand-up routine. I'm sure it's hilarious! (if you want to listen to the audio rather than read the transcript, you can download it here. Scroll up to the 66:50 minute mark)

"So our last and final coach... no he didn't get a boat. If he'd like to he could drive mine. I really don't have a problem with that."

BREAKING NEWS: Sarkisian registered Tosh's boat under his name. That's why no one can find it!

"You know as much as Keith Heyward (former Oregon State D-Back coach) was a pain in my neck, this guy was a thorn in my side."

Hey, if you can't beat the best, offer them millions of dollars to sabotage a fellow conference team's recruiting process to join you and commit secondary violations while doing so.

"Everytime I'd always see Cal getting these guys ... I'm like how is Cal..the CAL BEARS! They haven't been to the Rose Bowl in a hundred and eighty-eight years. Like how are they getting anybody?

Hahahaha they haven't been there in a long time. Like since before the school was in existence, or before the state was in existence. Bro it up boys.

How do the Cal Bears get ANYBODY, EVER, to go to their school?

Yeah, why would ANYBODY, EVER, want to go to Cal? Certainly not that number one public education. Not that academic tradition that's compiled up 70 Nobel Prizes and six periodic table elements in the conference. Not the prestigious Cal degree, which is only a step above a ITT Tech ribbon and a Pizza Hut Training Academy funny hat on the path to loserdom.

Look at all these miserable, downtrodden faces.

The poor souls.

Needless to say, play football there? We're talking about football players!

True. What were this guy.

And this guy.

And this guy thinking?

Those guys just kind of faded into obscurity after they were Bears. Hope their student loans aren't too high.

But hey, losers gonna lose. Cal's only been to like eight bowl games in the past nine years. Not like us winning Huskies, fresh off our second winning season since 2003!

Sark then talked about Tosh like a bro raving about a bro. The transcript went something like this.

"Yeah Dawg."
"You a dawg now."
"Dawg it up!"
"You the man now dawg."

As for Tosh, he blathered on about Husky pride and what not, comparing the Washington campus to a theme park and the players to "creatures that we're feeding". Sounds like a real human. Crowd managed some tepid applause, and at one point Lupoi had to channel his inner bro to get them making any real noise. Nothing really interesting that didn't make Lupoi sound like a low-rent version of Rob Riggle.

Okay. There was one interesting thing. When distinguishing between Washington and Cal, Tosh had this telling quote.

How about this event. Freaking awesome man. The tables, the pom-poms, the lights out here.

We were just doing a walkthrough here. Unbelievable. From the place he mentioned [Cal], I wasn't going to bring it up. But from the place I Just came from, I remember when we finished up our scrimmage, our mock game, we get slurpees

Wait a second. Did Tosh just diss the noble beverage known as the Slurpee? What on earth does this man have against Slurpees? Are they handing out hot fudge sundaes

Again, you can listen to the podcast (why would you) by downloading the audio here; skip up to the 66:50 mark for the relevant Tosh/Sark bits.