clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

This Mid-Week In the Pac-12: Staging A Bruintervention

This Week In The Pac-12 is typically a once a week affair, but occasionally events occur that require immediate reactions. Also, a thanks to TwistNHook for coining the term 'bruintervention.'

This Week In The Pac-12: Coach Howland, Josh, Jerime, Tyler, everybody, thanks for being here today. I know it’s tough, but it takes courage to agree to meet with us. We’re all aware of the rumors swirling. The off-record comments, the accusations and the innuendos.

Ben Howland: Are you talking about that SI article? Look, that’s all in the past and . . .

TWITP12: Don’t interrupt me, Ben! I’m the one talking right now, and this is important!

We’re here to put an end to all of the distractions and face up to the real problems plaguing UCLA. We’ve all been going on for a few years now denying the problem, hiding the truth, trying to pretend that everything was OK, that things would get back to normal soon. But that’s just not reality. It’s time to man up, look each other in the eye, and admit the real problem:

UCLA sucks at basketball now, and that needs to change.

Jerime Andersen: Wait, what? I thought this was supposed to be about the drug use!

TWITP12: Drug use? Huh? Well that sounds dumb, but no I don’t care about that. I’m much more concerned about your field goal defense and free throw percentage. I can’t believe that teams are shooting a 49% eFG% against a Ben Howland defense!

Ben Howland: How dare you criticize my defense?! I led the Bruins to 3 straight final fours!

TWITP12: Yeah, and you also lost to Loyola Marymount at home by 11 points. That’s a desperate cry for help if I’ve ever seen one, Ben.

Brendan Lane: And the fighting, you don’t care about that?

TWITP12: Fighting too? Man, I didn’t realize how screwed up you guys are! But no, still don’t care.

Josh Smith: So . . . this isn’t about my conditioning either? *heaves a sigh of relief*

TWITP12: I don’t care in the slightest what any of you jokers does off the court as long as it doesn’t impact your play. Josh, your stats have actively gotten worse from your freshman year. You commit seven fouls for every 40 minutes on the court! How are you supposed to help if you foul out in 28 minutes? Why do you play the same amount as Norman Powell?

Lazeric Jones: Hey, back off man, we’re all trying our best!


I . . . I’m sorry, I shouldn’t let my emotions get the best of me. It’s just been so . . . so hard these past few years. Every national writer dismisses west coast basketball just because UCLA sucks. It’s one thing for Arizona St. and USC to bring down our computer numbers, but we can’t afford for UCLA to suck while simultaneously gifting elite athletes to the Mountain West. We NEED you, Bruins. You have to get your act together.

Tyler Lamb: Whatever man. I see what you write. I know you hate us.

TWITP12: I do hate you. This day is about admitting things to each other, so I’ll be honest. I hate the John Wooden smarminess from the fanbase. I hate that CBS will choose to air a meaningless UCLA game in front of a dead crowd ahead of literally any other Pac-12 game. But that doesn’t matter right now. You need to face the truth, and I’m the one in this room offering that truth.

Ben Howland: I’ll admit that there are things I should have done differently. But I’ve corrected my mistakes and UCLA basketball will be back in the tournament soon!

TWITP12: *mutters* yeah, if you get the chance.

Look, I don’t expect you all to be world beaters. In fact, I’d prefer if you stay relatively mediocre by UCLA standards. I just don’t want you to lose every single non-conference game against a team with a pulse. No more counting on Chaminade to get a win in Maui. That nonsense has to stop. I’ve said my peace, and I’ll be even angrier if I have to say the same thing next year. NOW GO OUT THERE AND PROVE ME WRONG BY BEATING WASHINGTON! U. C. L. A. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!