We're all excited with the news that the Pac-12 television network will be bringing expanded coverage for our coverage. What's better than football, football, and even more football? Basketball! And volleyball! And water polo! The Pac-12 Channel will provide all that.
But it has a lot of time to kill. Hours upon hours and all the Cal rugby domination can only do so much. So, Larry Scott has turned to the TV model that's proven to fill time in the cheapest manner possible. That's right! The hit new talk show, "Dr. Sark." With Oprah retiring, can Steve Sarkisian fill her shoes? Tune in as Dr. Sark, in no way an actual doctor, helps people get through their emotional problems. Hey, if he could share a booth with Lane Kiffin without resorting to a taser or strangulation, the dude can obviously handle all levels of whininess and immaturity. And he fixes marriages!
But more than that, there will be reality shows. Lots and lots of reality shows. Pac-12 Reality shows! There is Hoarders, about USC football recruiting. And there is Who Wants To Be A Millionare, also about USC football recruiting. Basically, it's a lot of Lane Kiffin promising things to people. "I can give your parents a house!" "I'm seeing you winning the Heisman." "Reggie Who?"
They started filming "The Pac-12's Got Talent" but had to cancel it. Apparently, they shouldn't have based the show in Pullman.
But that's not all Scott has up his sleeve. Our crack reporting team here at CGB has the scoop on Larry Scott's 1st lovin' brainchild, "Survivor Pac-12: Coaches Edition." Scott knows that Survivor revolutionized TV. He knows Survivor is still going strong more than a decade later. That is the ace up his sleeve. All he has to do is dump the Pac-12 Coaches on some deserted area where they won't meet anybody else and let them do their thing. So, he rounded them up, moved them to Stanfurd Stadium, and it was on!
With the season scheduled to start soon, it's time to take a closer look at the contestants. Who is going to win? Who is going to get kicked out of the Stadium early? Who is most likely to be murdered and eaten for the sustenance of all (Paul Wullf, natch)? Let's look at the contestants and their prospects:
Chip Kelly: In a game that emphasizes lying, manipulating facts, lying, strategy, more lying, and lying, this man is the clear front-runner and favorite to win it all. Especially if Lylesing is involved. The only thing Kelly loves to do more than lie is Lyles!
Potential Problems: Most likely to claim at tribal council that he didn't even know who his teammates were. "Oh, _Jon_ Embree? I thought he was Johnny."
Odds of Winning: 3 to 1
Odds Of Losing, Because A Visor Blocked His Eyes As The Most Inopportune Time: 1 to 1
Odds of Getting Harpooned by Some Random Whaler: 8 to 1
Dennis Erickson: Years of desiccation in the desert have given him a leather-like exterior that is highly resistant to inclement weather. Years of dealing with the threat of being eaten by Vontaze Burfict have made him fearless (or clueless) in face of danger.
Potential Problems:: Most likely to not to realize that the contest has actually started...and sleep through the whole thing.
Odds Of Winning: 1000000000 to 1
Odds Of Emerging From The Competition Inexplicably Looking Young, Tan, and Blonde: 2 to 1
Odds of accidentally being mummified by the make-up staff: 3 to 1
Odds of having some costumed Comic-con nerd kneel before him and say "What is thy bidding, my master?": 2 to 1
Jeff Tedford: Straight shooter and a proven strategist. As a man of few words, he doesn't make a lot of enemies.
Potential Problems: Most likely to pick one coach as an ally, then switch to another coach when the 1st ally gets hurt, then switch back to his original ally when his new selection underperforms. Under. (It would totes never happen.)
Biggest problem: He always is competing not to lose. During a recent immunity challenge, he spent most of the time kneeling with his spear, instead of actually throwing the spear. He had a great spear throwing angle, right down the middle, but still didn't hit the target! And then, he just stood there silently, instead of beating his chest and jumping up and down like contestant Stoops.
Odds of Winning: 5 to 1
Odds Of Building A Game Plan For An Immunity Challenge So Complicated Not Even Mike Stoops' Personal Reader Can Understand It: 1 to 1
Kyle Whittingham: Wholesome. Clean-cut. Fit. No discernible weaknesses. Naturally, everyone else hates the new guy and he'll have a hard time forming alliances.
Potential Problems: Most likely to struggle in tribal council. "Why do I have to pick one guy? I love all these guys. Why can't I pick them all? Or at least more than one It's what I'm used to."
Biggest Problem: Used to being able to win 1 Immunity Challenge and then coast through the next 10 without any real problem. It's not Mountain West Survivor anymore, Kyle!
Other Problem: Drafted Alex Smith to be his lifeline. What was he thinking????? Alex Smith's hands are too small to be a lifeline!
Kyle: "C'mon, Alex. Throw me a bone."
Alex: "I did! But it sort of flew to the other team by accident."
Odds of Winning: 50 to 1
Odds Of Every Single Fact People Know About Kyle Whittingham Coming Solely And Specifically From Pac-12 Survivor: 1 to 1. Seriously though, can anybody say anything at all about this guy????
David Shaw: Originally selected the Axe as his one item to bring along. But, he was soundly defeated by Jeff Tedford in a game of offensive checkers while waiting in the airport and had to surrender it to the Cal coach. As an alternative, Coach Shaw selected 45 TEs as his item. When asked why his team would have 45 Tight Ends on it, he just replied "Har-BAUGH!" and made an awkward karate chop. Unable to bring even a single Tight End, Coach Shaw is bringing along a pacifier inscribed with "Harby" to help him sleep at night.
Potential Problem: Most likely to fail a test by only completing 40% and assuming that was good enough.
Odds of Winning: Tau to Pi
Odds of somehow losing an immunity challenge at the absolute last moment despite seemingly having victory well in hand: 25 to 20
Jon Embree: Living in the high altitude of Colorado has boosted his lung capacity and stamina. Adapting the hippie lifestyle puts him at a disadvantage with his Birkenstocks and need for organic chai soy lattes.
Over/Under: Most likely to drive his fellow contestants nuts by insisting on only gathering sustainable food or by giving constant fireside pep talks insisting that a culture of failure just doesn't sit right with him. Over.
Odds of Winning: 12 to 1
Biggest Problem: Most likely to make a completely lopsided trade with Jeff Tedford. "So, I give you this Kiesau knife, and this Michalczik club. You give me an empty bag of chips, and some used Marshall toilet paper."
Rick Neuheisel: Another highly skilled manipulator of the truth. He's actually overheard on the plane flight to the island, "No. I am absolutely not going to be on Survivor. Put me down for $100 in the office pool that Chip wins it all."
Potential Problem: Most likely to get voted off the island first by his grossed out colleagues. "Oh HELL no, I'm not gonna help you fill your passion bucket!"
Biggest problem: After each challenge, will waste hours of TV time with long-winded speech to the remaining fans...of which there are none.
Odds Of Winning: 75 to 1
Odds Of Injuring Kevin Prince, Despite The Fact Prince Is Thousands Of Miles Away From Stanfurd Stadium During The Course Of Filming: 1 to 1
Steve Sarkisian: Brings along a complex contraption with pulleys, levers, and suction cups designed to open coconuts. "Complicated? It's not too complicated. If it let's put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up, I'm going to keep using it."
Biggest Problem: Most likely to snap and try to strangle Lane Kiffin. "I called all the plays! I made all the game plans! You just surfed porn and drew animal pictures on the playcards! I even had to change your diapers! How the hell do you keep getting hired!!!"
Another Problem: Jeff Tedford actively wants to hurt him. Bad.
Odds of Winning: 35 to 1
Odds Of Tedford Beating Him Up While Screaming "THIS IS FOR 2007, even though you were still at USC then, THIS IS FOR 2009, THIS IS FOR 2010, THIS IS FOR 2011 AND MOST LIKELY 2012: 1 to 1
Lane Kiffin: Boyish good looks, fluttering eyelashes, and a soul darker than midnight in Hell.
Over/Under: Most likely to use his schmoozing charm to convince another coach to "keep him warm." Under. He's definitely an under.
Biggest Problem: He foolishly double crossed himself. He cut a deal with himself that he'd give himself a starting spot on the blue team for the immunity challenge and but then traded his own rights to the red team.
Another Problem: Finds it difficult to interact with real humans after he can't pack Ed Orgeron in his luggage. Couldn't pay the $50 heavy luggage fee, because all his money is tied up in Matt Barkley futures. With no other way to bring Orgeron, he can't convince anyone to join his team. Also, he doesn't know how to change his own diapers.
Other Problem: Lane Kiffin tries to attack Tedford when Tedford claims his wife is hotter than Kiffin's wife.
Other, other problem: Lane Kiffin picks a fight with all the other coaches who snicker, "Yeah, I'd still hit that. Who hasn't?"
Odds of Whining: 1 to 1
Odds of Winning: 100 to 1
Mike Riley: His "aw shucks" demeanor and easygoing personality help him to get along with everyone. No one will perceive him as the dark horse threat that he is...until it's too late.
Biggest Problem: Always seems to beat Jeff Tedford out for the immunity challenges in the most emotionally devastating manner possible. That's actually not really a problem for him. But right now I'm envisioning a clipboard smashing moment...and so are you. Please don't punch your computer screen. It ain't never done nothing bad to you!
Potential problem: Losing his trademark ballcap. Without any protection, his baby-butt-bald pate is headed for Melanoma City.
Odds of Winning: 5 to 1
Number of keyboards and/or monitors broken at CGB Headquarters while writing this section: 3
Mike Stoops: Gorilla-like arms and a renewed commitment to personal fitness have him physically ready for the game. Mentally...everyone knows that they can get in his kitchen and cook whatever they want.
Over/Under: Most likely to completely embrace his inner Lord of the Flies. We're talking full-on nudity, tribal paint, and guttural screams. Over. Hell, this might happen on the plane flight.
Biggest problem: Besides being a walking aneurysm-timebomb and batsh!t insane to boot?
Other problem: When coaches are allowed to call their families, Bob Stoops tells him, "Geez, bro. I have a national title and BCS trophies. You couldn't win a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, much less Pac-12 Survivor. Just keepin' it real, boy."
Odds of Winning: 250 to 1
Paul Wulff: Scariest of all the coaches. Physically imposing. Mammoth-sized head can be used to open coconuts, crack shellfish, or excavate caves. Will have the easiest time adapting to primitive conditions. "No food, water, indoor plumbing, or electricity? Pssshh...It's like a weeknight in Pullman!"
Over/Under: Most likely to eat someone. Over!!!
Odds of Winning: 3 to 1
Biggest problem: Thyroid gland. Just sayin'.
Other problem: Because there isn't a bandanna large enough to fit his super-sized noggin, he's forced to wear his tribe's tent during challenges. The other team members start complaining about funky smells and ravenous bed bugs.
There you have it, loyal readers - your personalized guide to the Outwitting, Outthinking, Outlying of the Pac-12. Place yer bets!
What shows should CGB preview next? Pac-12 Jersey Shore? Real Cheerleaders of the Pac-12? Let us know in the comments!
***Author's Note: This post was written in collaboration with TwistNHook. If something was funny, it was probably his fault!***