clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Stanford Athletes Can No Longer Take Easy Classes, Just Get Easy Grades

Andrew Luck will now be able to cruise through Stanford just the way every other student does it.
Andrew Luck will now be able to cruise through Stanford just the way every other student does it.

In a welcome sign that the Stanford Cardinal athletes have decided to come back down the level of their student peers, a number of classes designed for their benefit have been eliminated. That way, students and student-athletes can enjoy the benefits of grade inflation together in the same classes.

"I'm really proud of the university for taking this stance." New football head coach David Shaw stated. "Now all of the students at Stanford can coast through college equally without having to worry about studying hard. This is the type of progressive measure we need to ensure we stay at the cutting edge of what defines a Stanford student."

Guard Jeremy Green was reached at the Pac-10 tournament: "I like this measure. Why should I take something as simple as Beginning Improvising when I can take something like Chem 32 and get the same grade for the same amount of effort? That seems inefficient. I'm glad Stanford is making me reopen my eyes to the vast opportunities out there to really challenge myself to get the most impressive looking 4.0 GPA imaginable."

"Hey man, this is cool." Commented senior wideout standout Chris Owusu.  "Dropping something like Social Dances two weeks before finals was getting embarrassing. Now I can just drop Math 51 instead like the rest of the guys here who end up getting locked inside their dorms for a few weeks. At least I can make people think I was really struggling and had a legit excuse for dropping down."

Jim Harbaugh, who we caught up to while diving into a big pile of money in his private pool at his South Bay mansion, had this to say. "Imagine if I could've added on my resume that everyone passed through quantum physics. They would've allowed me to coach Michigan and the 49ers at the same time because everyone would have been impressed at just how good a multi-tasker I was. Harbaugh you genius!"

Andrew Luck, supposed 1st pick in next year's NFL draft (and this one's too, except he decided to skip out on it to get an unaccredited architecture degree), made this statement: "And people wonder why I'd ever want to leave Stanford. Why try to succeed on the biggest stage when I can spend another year bullying the rest of college football? Besides, I need to grade inflate my NFL draft measurables."

"It wouldn't be the Stanford Cardinal way otherwise." 

What was the easiest class you took at Cal?