Cal Football To Be Closed To Public To Keep Anyone From Seeing It

The California Golden Bears have struggled through a rough season, but their leader has figured out how to put the team in the right direction. CGB has learned through unofficial sources that Cal head coach Jeff Tedford has decided to seal off the final two games at AT&T Park to the sturdy golden fans in order to maintain the proper competitive advantage for his 2011 Golden Bears.

"It was the right thing to do." Tedford said. "Our players just don't get up for games in front of real crowds, no question about it.. We've played our best in front of half-empty stadiums comprises of curious and disinterested individuals, as well as the Colorado Buffaloes. If we're going to make that final push to bowl eligibility, we'll need to have the stadium at the right setting of silence to get the players playing at the level they're capable of playing at."

"Zach [Maynard] tends to play better when he's not being watched by so many people. We want to make him as comfortable as possible and prevent him from making the same mistakes. This strategy should give us the best chance to win, ensure at least a half-dozen completions in the right spot to players not named Keenan Allen, and ensure he only throws one or two bad interceptions a game. Playing in a virtual practice environment for the rest of the season is what he needs right now."

Tedford has received official confirmation from Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott on the grounds that season ticketholders were fairly compensated by the Athletic Department. Top private donors should be pleased with their alternatives, as they will be provided with their own complimentary tour buses to see the beautiful sights and sounds of Solano County, as well as free reservations for the internationally heralded General Vallejo's Walking Tour. There are also discussions to try and secure free room and boarding to Casino Fandango in Carson City for a week in November, so wealthy boosters can hit the slots while Cal is in action on a sunny Saturday.

Premium season ticketholders will be provided with an assortment of discounted coupons to favorite esteemed local restaurants like P.F. Chang's Bistro and T.G.I. Friday's. Fans who bought individual game tickets will be compensated with a deluxe copy of The Graduate, so they can finally discover someone more desperate for emotional fulfillment than a Cal fan. 

Asked about how Cal would handle the final two road games against Stanford and ASU, Tedford responded, "We're trying to arrange alternate sites for the game. Commissioner Scott thinks it'll be a great way to grow the conference and I have to agree that this is the best way for our football team to play in peace, away from all the distractions of being a big-time college football program. We're thinking Phnom Penh for the Big Game and the Grand Canyon for the Sun Devils to ensure no one can watch it unless they're there. We hear Stanford is open to the Cambodia game as long as we give them some fried spiders."

"We hope that we'll soon be ready to play in front of a real football crowd in time for 2012, when we'll be playing our games in a bunker underneath Lawrence Berkeley Labs."