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Q&A with a Stanfurd Tree

We at CGB are so jealous.  Everyone else has the yang to their yin.  Addicted to Quack has Building the Dam.  Conquest Chronicles has Bruins Nation.  Coug Center has UW Dawg Pound.  Heck, even House of Sparky has Arizona Desert Swarm.  But who do we have?  Nobody.  How many bloggers about Stanfurd are there on Al Gore's internet?  As far as we can tell, exactly zero.  We're so lonely!

Finally, however, we've found someone to talk to about Stanfurd Cardinal sports!  Someone to give us the inside scoop.  Someone to make us feel better about the job we do by being terrible at blogging.  Moreover, we've found someone who craves attention and bizarre fashion as much as TwistNHook.  So, here to give us the lowdown on the 'Furd is the Stanfurd Tree.  Well, it's a guy in a tree costume anyway; no guarantees about authenticity.


TwistNHook meets his idol.  Honking ensues.

1. So, what's it like being the Tree, anyway?

Oh, man, it's awesome!  You get to go to all the games, there's no work involved, you don't need any artistic skill to make the costume, and you get to dance around and be the center of attention.  I love being the center of attention!  Plus, at Stanfurd, it doesn't really matter who wins anyway, because the whole escapade is just, like, ironic 'n' stuff.

2. The Cardinal are currently ranked 105th in Pomeroy, are 13-16 overall and lost by 26 at Cal. Are you pleased with these overachieving results?

Dude, whatever.  The whole 'athletic competition' is just a pleasant diversion anyway; after I get my MBA, daddy's setting me up with a cushy job, and the climate control in my BMW will filter out the stench of you smelly hippies over in the east bay.


"Look, ma, I'm an impressionist painting!"  -  via

3. What's Johnny Dawkins's deal?

His deal is that all the good players are injured or graduated.  He tried to borrow some tight ends from Harbaugh, but Harby wasn't having any of it; he said playing on such a shitty basketball team might lower their enthusiasm to levels previously known to mankind.  Harbaugh did let him have the backup quarterback, though -- a classy move by a classy guy.

4. Jim Harbaugh. You know he's leaving right?

Dude, we bought him a $60K bathroom!  It's got like a solid-gold toilet seat or something, I don't know.  How could he leave all that?  You know Al Davis'll just make him wash up with the rest of the team; how can a man be expected to lead a football team if he's not pooping on extravagance?

5. What's it like to lose to Oral Roberts?  At home?

Who?  Oh, I don't really remember; it's hard to see much of anything with all the crap I've got layered on the costume.  I think that was night I kept sneaking drinks at the game until I thought one of the dollies was attractive.  Not really sure how that night ended; I woke up in the Rodin sculpture garden without any pants, but still wearing the tree.  No idea, really.


Somewhere, a father is thinking, "I'm paying $35K a year for what?!?"  - Image via

6. Name three players on your own team.  Current ones; Lopez twins don't count.  C'mon, I dare you!

Well, uh, obviously there's Landry Fields; he's pretty good.  And Jeremy Green, you've heard of him, right?  That's two.  Hrmmmm...wait, don't we have a 35-year old point guard?  What's his name with the male pattern baldness?  He kinda sucks, though, so I haven't bothered to learn his name.  Also, I've been completely plastered at most of these games; how else do you think I've come up with the inspiration to twirl arrhythmically for two straight hours?


"Hey guys, I'm only 23!"  -  Image via

7. Tell us what a typical Furd fan is like.

Well, being as I'm the tree, I do happen to know all eight of them.  Barry's a big dude with an ironic moustache; Pete's the skinny guy with the ironic mutton chops.  Come to think of it, they've all got ironic facial hair, which on Kate is rather unfortunate.  Oh, all except for Daniel; he's getting his Ph.D. and he likes indie rock, so his beard is entirely serious.

8. During Full Moon on the Quad, did you try and make out with Chelsea Clinton?  I totally heard you did.  Be honest.

Dude, have you seen the rest of the female 'talent' down here on the Farm?  Chelsea rates at least an 8 around here; by the time you're a senior, you'd hit that.  Of course, nothing says "You're not getting past first base tonight" like a couple of Secret Service agents shadowing your every move.  Kinda puts you off your game.


I have no idea what's going on in this photo.  -  Image via

9. Obviously, Tiger Woods is currently your most embarassing alum.  But, all-time, who's the most embarassing?

Well, it's going to be hard to top Herbert Hoover's presidential FAIL; yeah, he was President of the United States, but you'd have to think that if he was a GOOD president, we would have built him something better than that stubby little tower.

10. Who would you most like to punch in the face right now?

Man, it's a tough call; so many people, so few fists.  Especially with this stupid fucking costume in the way.  I'm gonna have to go with my parole officer on this one.  Daddy couldn't make the last 'minor in possession of alcohol' charge go away, and Officer Phillips has been riding me hard lately, so much so that I've been sober for three straight weeks now.  Lame!


The ugliest tree yet?  That's a hard call.  - Image via