Your team has just played a hard fought, close game against a rival team.  You may have won, you may have lost, but that’s not important anymore.  All that matters now is playing a second, less publicized but equally important game:  The Classy Bowl!  You may not have been aware, but there are actually two competitions each week.  One a game of football, the other a game to see which team / university / fan base / mascot / band / local-proprietor-of-illegally-licensed-merchandise has more class than those horribly non-classy people from the other side!  If your team lost the football game, solace can be found in the Classy Bowl.  And if your team won it becomes critically important to establish overall dominance by taking the Classy title from those sensitive jerks!

Now that I’ve explained the Classy Bowl, allow me to offer a few helpful hints when you’re engaged in battle with your shameless foes!

 

Helpful hint: Your opponent’s point doesn’t matter.  No matter what they say, just respond with your point.  Sure, it will result in a conversation in which both sides say different, unrelated things over and over.  But that’s what you have to do to win the day!  On an related note, the last person to say something automatically wins, so be dedicated and never give up!

 

Helpful hint: Always remember, we live in a starkly black and white world.  Everything your team does is either 100% legal or a cunning strategy invented by your genius head coach.  Everything your opponent does is 100% illegal and deliberately used by their arrogant cheater head coach because the awful refs are in that coach’s back pocket.  THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.

 

Critical point:  To win the Classy Bowl you must not be classy. I know, this may seem counter-intuitive, but it is critical.  After all, the act of calling somebody not classy isn’t a classy thing to do.  Besides, the only period of time that’s up for debate in the Classy Bowl is the previous game, plus any events immediately before and after that game!  So be as rude as possible.  Curse! Toss insults!  If your opponent’s team / coach / mascot / player can be insultingly misspelled or rhymed with an unflattering word go to that well as often as you can!

 

So good luck in your righteous battle Mr. "your team is unbelievable dirty while my team is totally classy" guy– few things on earth are more critically important than trying to figure out which group is 100% morally bankrupt and which side supports the righteous American virtues of God, country and football!