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Do We Hate Maryland - Or What?

Yellow Fever: I don't know much about Maryland. I probably should know more than I do, given that one of our fraternity's events was held there a few years ago and one of our brothers is there now, but I don't. I know it's at College Park, which does sound better than College Station. But if you pressed me to name more than two cities in Maryland besides Baltimore and College Park, I'd be lost. No wait, Rockville. I do know Rockville.

As for their football team, they were good a while back, weren't they? And they did turn out Shawne Merriman and Vernon Davis. Oh, and their coach is really fat. Possibly as fat as Mark Mangino. That's all I've got.

But no. I don't hate them. I don't know anything about them.

TwistNHook: I also know very little about the University of Maryland football team.

However, that does not, in any way, keep me from hating Maryland unreasonably and irrationally. DAMN YOU MARYLAND'S VAGUELY COMPETITIVE FOOTBALL TEAM! DAMN YOU!

HydroTech: I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sure I don't hate Maryland. Of course, the last time I thought I didn't hate another in-conference team, I was corrected by their fans and told that I did. I'm obviously less in touch with my own feelings than other people. So to be safe, I'm going to ignore my gut which is telling me that I don't hate Maryland and just say that I hate them. After all, what is there not to hate about their stupid little blue crabs that they think are so great? There's less meat on those things than on Mary Kate. I personally prefer our great California Dungeness crab.

TwistNHook: That's definitely true. If you were to pit our California Dungeness crabs against their crabs in some sort of complex Crab Battle Royale, Dungeness would DOMINATE!

That take, state of Maryland! Up next, we're going after your "picturesque" harbors! And gritty serial dramas!

Yellow Fever: Fast fact: In 2004, Ralph Freidgen appeared prominently in TV commercials promoting former Terrapin football player Kevin Plank's Under Armour brand of athletic wear Under Armour promotion. (credit: Wikipedia)

Unfortunately, I can't find this clip on YouTube. But I think I remember a coach in one of those commercials going, "WHEN OUR OPPONENT LINES UP IN AN ACE FORMATION, THAT'S A RUNNING PLAY! THEY'RE NOT GOING TO PASS OUT OF THAT FORMATION!"

One must certainly wonder if he took that advice to heart and decided that he would then run out of every Ace formation, given the general decline in Maryland football since then.

Ragnarok: Well, it's too bad he didn't take the 'WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!' advice to heart. Since 2004, Maryland is only 14-10 at home, and 6 of those wins came against patsies like Villanova, William & Mary, Middle Tennessee State, Florida International, Northern Illinois, and Temple.

Another fun reason to hate Maryland (thank you, Wikipedia!): "as of August 2007, Maryland is now the wealthiest state in the United State, with a median household income of US$65,144, ahead of New Jersey which had previous held that title." Rich, smug bastards and their crabs.

Also, their highest-ranking government official in US History was former VP Spiro Agnew, "who served as United States Vice President under Richard Nixon. He was Vice President from 1969 to 1973, when he resigned in the aftermath of revelations that he had taken bribes while he was Governor of Maryland. In late 1973, a court found Agnew guilty of violating tax laws." Way to suck at governing, Maryland.

Thankfully, former Cal QB Kyle Boller has been taking down the state of Maryland from the inside.

TwistNHook: Boller has been doing quite the job at that!

Yellow Fever: Unfortunately, he's been doing such a good job of taking down the Ravens that they'll probably kick him out of Maryland next year. But them's the breaks.



Kyle Boller : A California double-agent?

HydroTech: Rags, don't be raggin' on my boy, Boller. I still have hopes that he'll be Hall of Famer.

Ragnarok: Maybe you should buy one of these, Hydro.

HydroTech: Uh, sure. On a less serious note, some blog claims that Maryland has the worst fans in the ACC. They are described as "crude, disgusting, and at times dangerous." There is also some reference to Carlos Boozer's mom - a reference which is over my head. Any one care to explain? As for Maryland having the worst fans in the ACC, I think that's a valid reason to hate them. We here at the CGB are all about class. We exude nothing but grade A, USDA Commercial kwality classiness. Anybody who isn't as classy as us is worth hating. So screw Maryland.

And good god, Maryland head coach Ralph Friedgen sure does love his cupcakes, I mean patsies. I mean, Delaware, Middle Tennessee State, and Eastern Michigan.

Ragnarok: Indeed, besides Cal, that is a pretty soft non-conference schedule. Apparently, they're so worried about us, though, that for the next two years (while they play us), they're suspending their annual non-conference border war with West Virginia for the first time in 28 years! Cowards!

TwistNHook: Maryland borders West Virginia?

Ragnarok: It does! The western end reaches around Virginia to touch West Virginia. Those eastern states get pretty kinky with their borders...



Yellow Fever: Just to take the Mark Mangino-Ralph Friedgen battle up a notch:

Anyway, it appears the consensus is that we hate Maryland. I'm not sure why or how, but like Hydro's experience, someone would tell us we were wrong if we tried to argue otherwise.

Ragnarok: You know, if we can get our hackles raised over a school Cal has never played in football and a state that I'm pretty sure most of us have never been to, I think we can learn to hate anyone!

TwistNHook: Except for UCLA. I'm SO fucking generally indifferent to them right now!