Well that was [NSFW] - Cal Football v. stanfurd Big Game Report Card

Bob Stanton-USA TODAY Sports

Well, the end has mercifully come and rather than dwell on last weeks game I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for sticking with it and participating in the report cards all season long. I'd like to think that our collective venting and ranting has been good for all of us on some level and I have been amused by your ever creative ways of voicing your disgust and displeasure with our on-field results. So thanks and GO BEARS!

Berkelium97:. Once more into the fray...

The good news is that the season is over. The bad news is that this is the last report card of the year.

Average Standard Deviation
Pass Offense .120 .189
Rush Offense .120 .154
Pass Defense .025 .067
Rush Defense .177 .259
Special Teams .106 .160
Coaching .054 .111
Overall .048 .097

Somehow most of these scores are actually better than they were last week. That pass defense score is probably the worst score we have ever seen. Yeah, yeah, we set a new low each week. I know. At least we won't set a new low next week (I hope).

And for the last time, let's hand out some awards.

Awards

Sonny Delight

Name Grade
1. GoldenBoiler, maybe the only person not ready to fire Buh 2.60 (37.1%)
2. Stay Golden 2.40 (34.3%)
2. BTown85 2.40 (34.3%)
4. calfootballaddict 1.95 (27.9%)
5. DancingBear96 1.76 (25.1%)

Those scores are pretty bad for the Sonny Delight. This is like a bottle of Sonny Delight that was opened and left outside the sun for a few weeks. That stuff does eventually go bad, right? I don't know. I just stick to regular ol' orange juice. I'm not a big fan of that jaundiced look.

Sonny Yikes (aka participation award)

Name Grade
1. beerwinebear 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Berkelium97 0.00 (0.0%)
1. crazedfan 0.00 (0.0%)
1. FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!\nFIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! (formerly golden oso) 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Fire Sandy & Sonny 0.00 (0.0%)
1. FIREBUH 0.00 (0.0%)
1. GuMiBears 0.00 (0.0%)
1. j.lee 0.00 (0.0%)
1. kidnebraksa 0.00 (0.0%)
1. minesweeper 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Nasal Mucus Goldenbear 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Oh ANDY BUH-OY, the pipes the pipes are CAL-ling. From glen to glen and down the mountain side. The fall is gone and all the flowr's are dy-ing. 'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide. Come ye NOT back when spring's in the mea-dow or when the valley's hushed and white with snow. 'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in sha-dow. Oh ANDY BUH-OY, oh ANDY BUH-OY, now you must go. -NMGB 0.00 (0.0%)
1. rollonyoubears111 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Scootie 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Shayne Skov Buggers Goats 0.00 (0.0%)
1. SobbingQuietlyInACorner (sometimes WhiskeyTedfordFoxtrot) 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Thank merciful hell donkeys this dumpster fire of a season is over, let us forget it ever happened (aka schmidtty mcfunstuff) 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Unhappy Blue 0.00 (0.0%)
1. Unwatchable 0.00 (0.0%)

Once again we have a massive tie for first among the Sonny Yikes crowd. Even better, many of you opted to take the "commenter formerly known as ________ " route. What's next, using symbols as your handle next season? I might hop on the bandwagon and refer to myself as ಠ_ಠ in 2014.

One more thing: what is a "merciful hell donkey"?

The Voice of Reason

Name Deviation
1. Anand P. Tell .052
2. Old Bear 71 .056
3. The Campus Report .067
4. SoCal Oski .086
5. 42Calbear .087

The voices of reason are led by Anand Patel (inb4 NO REAL NAMES). Somehow SoCal Oski managed to be among those who speak for the rest of us. That's a sure sign that the program is in a nosedive.

Well, it's been fun tolerable character-building a football season. Thank you all for participating in these report cards. Even amid a tire fire of the season, these report cards have been pretty fun. Thanks for your unending creativity and humor to make our descent into the cellar a little more tolerable. We hope next season is much, much better. Until then, let's dive into your comments.

Sam Fielder: This week the comments were generally just depressing. So let's just get this over with.

GAMEDAY EXPERIENCE

Slaphancock: Someday in the future, when Cal wins the Rose Bowl, we will be able to say we watched every game of this season and we will bear it as a mark of pride.

sacman701: David Shaw can go drink bleach. So can Shayne Skov.

Yosemite Golden Bear: I got a colonoscopy on the day of the UCLA game...'tis strange how that was a better day than this.

Beerwinebear: I got a text from my Furdie friend. "Never knew that scoring touchdown was something this easy" FIRE. BUH. NOW.

SobbingQuietlyInACorner (sometimes WhiskeyTedfordFoxtrot): My easy chair is very comfy and the table next to it holds a large amount of Scotch. These were the only positives.

Thank merciful hell donkeys this dumpster fire of a season is over, let us forget it ever happened (aka schmidtty mcfunstuff): At this point you either laugh or cry... i'm going to do both simultaneously

RhetoriCal: So I go to a movie with a friend before the game this afternoon (in the Eastern Time Zone) and, alas, either miss the bus or it's running 15 late. Running behind, I finally get to my stop and then do something I haven't done in years, an eight minute mile. I huff and puff and wheeze my way up the final set of stairs (there's a reason an eight minute mile is an accomplishment for me) and flip on the feed just in time to see 'furd score to start the game. Oh, yeah, it was snowing outside. Today was not going to be a good day.

Anand P. Tell: Going to the football game in Dark Knight Rises would have been more enjoyable.

Bearly Legal: While we were in the game, we were much louder than Stanford "fans."

Fuzzywuzzy: Beautiful day for a drive down 280. Even though they weren't high enough for a nosebleed, they were at the tippy top of the stadium, so the ratio of what I paid for a seat compared to what'd you pay for a degree at furd was similar: way to much. After a fine lunch of Marin-Sun-valley-organic-grass-fed-mountain-spring-watered beef patty (with blue cheese), my comrade and I walked through the pristine grounds of the Farm to watch the Turd bowl. Not that I expected much; at least we scored on the first drive. I think the inexperience and youth overshadowed the desire to win, and anything else they could have come up with (like on-side kicks). Goff looked decent; Kline, not so much, but by that point our smallish O-line was probably completely kaput. And then, after points and points, and lots more points, a non-call for targeting on Skov, and another half-time babble show which I couldn't hear (the team is great, but your skits really suck), the douchiness of furd reared it's skanky head and began throwing deep balls after they were up by 43 points. Totally dickless move by Shaw. Must have learned that one from Jimmy.

prd74: It's the Big Game! Win or lose, I'm going! Got there early and had a nice breakfast at Scott's Seafood Restaurant (beat the crowd - yay!). Headed toward the stadium and saw a lot of Stanfurd tailgaters. The stadium was Cal 2013 empty when I sat down and though the game was sold out, it never looked full. The Cal Band once again easily beat the Stanfurd "band" which look totally anemic this year. The Stanfurd gameday experience is worse than the Cal gameday experience. Most disinterested fan base I have ever seen. The small Cal crowd was into the game until the roof finally caved in. As the old joke goes, "Cheer Up! It could be worse. So I cheered up and it got worse." I left late in the third quarter and I could not believe how many furd fans were still partying in the parking lots. It was obvious that they could give a sh*t about their football team. Not a great day, but being with my BFF and the other Cal fans was well worth the trip to enemy territory. As I left the stadium grounds, for the forty something year, I said my traditional thank you to the furds, "F*CK STANFURD! EAT SH*T AND DIE!"

PASS OFFENSE

Thank merciful hell donkeys this dumpster fire of a season is over, let us forget it ever happened (aka schmidtty mcfunstuff): yards mean nothing. screw the "bear raid" gimmick garbage if it doesn't put points on the game

Anand P. Tell: Goff broke the single season Cal record. Give Franklin a raise!

Stay Golden: I'm so tired of the the 3rd and long play action. It's fooling no one and it's giving the pass rush more time to get to Goff. I don't get it.

GoldenBoiler, maybe the only person not ready to fire Buh: Goff was playing very well, looking to be on his way to over 400 yards. If anyone thinks he shouldn't be the starter next year, you're crazy.

1988goldenbear: Absolutely beautiful first drive, great throws, perfect pass to Harris for the score. Then not much after that. Porous O-line, receivers couldn't get free, that horrible non-call on Skov. So then we lose Goff and get the first extended look at Kline since Oregon… and it wasn't pretty. I'm not a big fan of Coach Dykes giving him such harsh criticism after the game, especially since Kline had no time to throw, his receivers were still not getting open, and he couldn't have gotten many reps with the first team in practice. But realistically, Kline did nothing to convince me that the coaches are wrong to start Goff.

RUN OFFENSE

RhetoriCal: It's weird to say this, but I liked how the backs looked for most of the day. It felt like we were more productive on the ground than we were. Not sure why this is. . .

DancingBear96: Move without the ball, keep your hands up.

GuMiBears: I miss Ron Gould.

Unwatchable: Bigelow at least touched the ball.

rollonyoubears111: Bigelow better stick around another year. Because, he better.

PASS DEFENSE

Calgiant: HOW? HOW DO YOU NOT CHECK, BUMP, DOUBLE COVER, SLOW DOWN, Ty Montgomery. Embarrassing. Fire Buh.

BrooklynBear: Why oh why can't we put our best pass defender against a team's best pass receiver. Nothing against Dozier or Drew, but why oh why!

Unhappy Blue: This is the worst defense in the country. What an embarrassment.

GoldenBoiler, maybe the only person not ready to fire Buh: I don't know how you can reasonably judge this position. These are players playing our of position or too early in their career. They are learning the position as they go and it shows. You see it in bad angle, bad tackles, taking on the blocker in the wrong position. If these are problems next year, with a healthy D, then heads need to roll. Right now, I don't think anyone honestly knows the state of the Cal Defense.

GuMiBears: When your guys are shorter, its kinda hard to defend anything.

Calfootballaddict: Blerg...My question is why did Cal consistently leave Dozier in one on one coverage on Ty or Michael rector? No safety help and Dozier has no chance of keeping up. The one time Lowe matched up on Ty, Dozier got beat over the top to Rector. And the screens make me pull my hair out. Give Furd credit for good blocking, but we need to diagnose those plays quicker. Also, the slants on third down. Mother of 3rd and long that was atrocious. At least three times on 3rd and 8+ one of our CBs got beat on a slant for 12-15 yards. We need to be more physical at the line and bump the WRs off with a LB perhaps. I would say DB is the spot we need to work at the most this offseason.

RUN DEFENSE

sacman701: Pretty good on the conventional stuff, terrible against any kind of misdirection.

DancingBear96: Always stop the ball.

Shayne Skov Buggers Goats: I did like that one play when Lucas King stopped em on 3rd and short. There, I feel better remembering something good that happened.

PhilaBear: Call me crazy but I thought the defensive plan was good: don't let Gaffney beat us, make Hogan beat us. Who knew that he would?

BTown85: Okay, I only watched the first half of the game. Couldn't stomach the rest....yet. But in the first half this was the highlight. The ONE highlight.....

SPECIAL TEAMS

Slaphancock: Keystone Kops like. Made things interesting and probably helped keep down Furd's total offensive yardage!

Shayne Skov Buggers Goats: While it was probably the best strategy, squib kicking on those early kickoffs made feel like, gee, we don't even have enough confidence to kick the ball off normally. That blows.

F*ckfurd: sucked

Fuzzywuzzy: Way to throw out all the stops, but the odds of that working aren't good. That was a strange move. Nice field goals, though.

COACHING

Crazedfan: Fire Buh.

Calgiant: We have gotten WORSE every game, in almost every facet of the game. I have 2% of the faith I had in Coach Dykes coming into the season, and none for any defensive coaches we have now.

BrooklynBear: Why not just go for it on all those 4th downs? Man, this is depressing. This coaching staff has brought us the most awful Big Game EVER. Think about that. EVER!

MARSHAWN RODGERS: JEFF TEDFOREVER

j.lee: Buh needs to get the axe. Chop chop.

FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! (formerly golden oso): FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH! FIRE BUH!

42Calbear: I hate Mac Brown but he blew out his defensive coordinator after BYU and the defense improved. Sonny boy gives Buh a vote of confidence and is rewarded with 63 points. Talk about injuries or Sonny saying each week "its on me" "its on me" YES IT IS ON YOU! I am afraid if Sonny can't see that Buh is a complete clown, you have a Walt Harris/Buddy Teevens and you can wait and give this guy until 2020 and you might be rewarded with 6 maybe 7 wins at best and that is really being optimistic!!!

Scootie: Unbelievably crap. Zero progress from first game to last. So over their head that it is going to take us years to recover from how many years we're stuck with them.

NMGB: Oh ANDY BUH-OY, the pipes the pipes are CAL-ling. From glen to glen and down the mountain side. The fall is gone and all the flowr's are dy-ing. 'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide. Come ye NOT back when spring's in the mea-dow or when the valley's hushed and white with snow. 'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in sha-dow. Oh ANDY BUH-OY, oh ANDY BUH-OY, now you must go.

The Campus Report: First and foremost, I liked Tedford. Cal goes 1-10 the year before Tedford and Cal goes 1-11 the year after Tedford. He deserves a statue on this campus for what he did for Cal football because clearly no one else has even come close to his accomplishments since I have been born (I am pretty young---still a student). But turning to the here and now. I like Dykes; I think he is committed to not taking shortcuts and favoring instant gratification despite the clamoring from misunderstood fans. His demeanor, personality, and visionary qualities lead me to believe he is a good leader. What comes into question is his staff. Player development has been NEGATIVE. The schemes are all wrong, the mis-matches are all wrong, the fundamental skills (tackling, blocking, play recognition), the strength/condition is all wrong. Coach Dykes admits "that falls on him" but in reality that falls on his staff. He has to take the blame, but he has to cut some of these scrub coaches or set them straight with clear goals that if not fulfilled means that they get fired.

OVERALL PERFORMANCE

The townie: Worst. Team. Ever. I tuned out at half time. I feel bad for the kids.

Yosemite Golden Bear: What I really liked about this year was that the players always played hard.

SoCal Oski: Alas, the extended winter of our discontent is continuing with no end in sight despite that Sonny of Dykes. 1. The idea to pooch-kick every kickoff? F*CKING STUPID 2. How can an alleged "offensive guru" not be able to teach our receivers anything about separation? 3. I finally understand Buh's strategy, and it's complete insane genius. Where our opponent will obviously expect our defense to double their best player, Buh zigs at that expected zag, and offers NO coverage of their best player (i.e. Richardson last week, Montgomery this week). 4. I guess our offense f*cking sucks regardless of whether Goff or Kline are in. 5. F*ck Stanfurd. Next year better be an improvement.

Unhappy Blue: I will not renew my season tix until the entire coaching staff is fired! The football team is an embarrassment and does not deserve support with the current regime. Sandy Barbour needs to go too.

42Calbear: Tom Holmoe is a happy man tonight. He is finally off the hook for being the worst coach in the University Of California's history. Old Tom was bad but he was not a complete embarrassment. The biggest problem with CAL has been the Athletic Directors. Maggard (the egomaniac) fires Mike White and two years later Illinois is in the Rose Bowl. Then the criminal Bockrath blows out Bruce Snyder and a couple of years later Arizona State is in the Rose Bowl. Get the pattern? Now Sandy must deal with the repo man coming for Memorial Stadium! WHAT A F****** MESS. LETS DROP PAC-12 FOOTBALL AND GO TO DIVISION III, WHERE WE CAN AT LEAST COMPETE!!!

Unwatchable: Unwatchable. Feel bad for this year's players, they may have tried, may have been dealt a bad hand, whatever. Just sad they go down in history as this awful a team. With no signs of improvement on the field, where is the optimism going to come from next season: Spring ball, Fall practice, that's where they're going to think they have fixed things? what if Cal loses its opener at N'western, then what do they start working on during the season? Just a mess. Surprising as heck that this year, not last, has been rock-bottom.

Old Bear 71: I don't where else to vent this as we have no category for refereeing. PAC 12 refs were beyond incompetent for the non-call of spearing on Goff by shame scumbag skov. LEFT HIS FEET in order to crack him with a HELMET TO HELMET blow. Refs saw nothing? Goff was not the same after that cowardly (even below the low standards of furdian sportsmanship) piece of thuggery. But since he didn't get flagged or suspended shame remained in the game for his next act. Emboldened by the Refs lack of interest in his crimes, shame scov finished the job and took Goff off the field with a legal, but unnecessary pounding into the turf. Probably got his bounty in booze credits. Kline was no better however, and I am left to wonder why we have not had a qb who can hit receivers consistently since Longshore 1.0. I nearly cried each time Hogan hit T. M. And then their back up came in and kept it up. Our cupboard is bare indeed. Next year! Go Bears! Play basketball!!!

Thanks again to everyone that has taken the time to fill these out all season long. You all really are the best! GO BEARS!
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