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DBD 8.25.14 It's Game Week! But it's also...

The return of Rishi's Secret Diary of a Love Assassin!

Nov. 3

This is getting ridiculous, I can’t remember the last time I got laid! I cannot figure out what is going on. No matter where I go and who I go with, I cannot get a number from anyone! Perhaps the Lemon Drop Gods are angry at me for loving the Flaming Dr. Pepper? After all, I have been only drinking Lemon Drops and my special Rishi drink of lime juice and vodka ever since I can remember. Arun says it is not the Lemon Drop Gods but instead, it is my impossibly high standards that are the problem. That is ridiculous, I do not have impossibly high standards, I just want my girl to be a New Dehli 8.0 or above! Is that too much to ask for? It’s not like she has to be a 9.0 or even a perfect 10. But I am definitely not going after any of those awful Pune 6.1’s that Arun settles for. That is disgusting.

Nov. 4

Yesterday, Twist said a club had a late cancellation and wants his band to play so he invited me to go see them perform on Saturday. He says they are a White Lion tribute band, I don’t know what that means but he says there are always lots of women at his shows so I said I would think about going. He says sometimes the women who come to his shows throw their panties at him. I asked him if he kept any to wear for himself because he is kind of girly. He said yes very enthusiastically, I don’t think he knew I was joking, I didn’t really want to know if he wears women’s panties.

After he left, I thought about it for a while and decided to go to the show. If it is true that lots of women will be there then maybe there will be a decent looking desi girl there (New Dehli 8.0+ of course). If not, maybe I can drink enough to get the courage to find me a slumpbuster. That will be disgusting and I will feel dirty after but sometimes a man just needs a little bump to get his mojo back on track. Maybe I should find out what kind of music this White Lion plays, I wonder if it is all New Agey or Kenny G-ish? Nah, too much effort, how bad can it be? FEELING GOOD ABOUT SATURDAYYYYYYY! GOINNNGGGG TO GET LAAAIIIIDDDDDD!!!!!

Nov. 6

Why do these things happen to me? After last night, I am convinced that the Lemon Drop Gods hate me. If things don’t change I may never drink another Lemon Drop ever again. Before he left for the show, Twist gave me the address and told me to get there around 10. I invited Raj and Kumar (I knew Arun would be banging his Pune toad so didn’t bother asking him) but they said they were going to some bar for Desi College Night. No thank you, I have been to those and the girls always think they know more than me. Silly girls, that is not possible.

I decided to wear my best grey Armani suit so I could impress the ladies. I added an electric blue pocket square and matching tie to complete a devastating look (I checked myself out in the mirror and confirmed I looked devastating). I should’ve known something wasn’t right when the taxi dropped me off in front of the club. It was not a very good neighborhood and was very dark outside, no shiny lights or anything. The name of the club was Blitzkreig which I thought was strange also. I saw a few people going in the front door (dressed very poorly, smh) and I noticed a lighted sign that said "White Pride Playing tonight only". I was not feeling good about this evening but I had promised Twist that I would be there and the idea that I might be leaving some hotties that needed a little Rishi was very distressing. Or maybe I should say, a big Rishi. I am an outlier, haha.

Going inside was a big mistake. As soon as I entered, the whole crowd went silent and was staring at me. At first, I thought they were in awe of my amazing suit. Then I realized that they were all wearing mostly black t-shirts and leather jackets and had no hair. I had a bad flashback to that time when Raj bet me he could drink more Lemon Drops than me and I drank 27 Lemon Drops and almost OD’d. I woke up in a bed with a man who was wearing nothing but buttless chaps and a helmet with a spike on it. It was a good thing I ripped that ball gag out of my mouth and ran like hell before anything bad happened. Anyway, this place reminded me of that man except there were forty or fifty of that buttless chaps guy all looking at me. It was a good thing I noticed that there were lots of women in there too otherwise I would have left right away. Some were fat and old but there were some hotties too if I could look past the blonde hair and leather pants. Slumpbusters it is, I thought to myself, and decided to stay.

I looked around and there was a banner hanging on the wall above the stage that said "White Pryde World Domination Tour" and I thought that was funny because whoever did that banner misspelled Pride. I saw Twist on the stage setting up (he had a long curly blonde wig on with a leather vest and leather pants but no shirt, shudder) and he waved at me as I walked up to the bar. The bartender just scowled at me when I ordered a Lemon Drop. Since no Lemon Drop was forthcoming, I tried to explain how to make my signature Rishi drink but he just leaned over and said they didn’t like my kind here so I said you mean ridiculously handsome men with killer suits? He didn’t think that was funny (I did) and I decided to write a bad review about this bar’s customer service on Yelp. It was a good thing the band started playing otherwise I would’ve gotten really mad.

That music wasn’t what I thought it was. Lots of guitars screeching and Twist can’t sing for shit. It was awful, I think he was singing about wanting someone to wait or something. The crowd didn’t like it either and started yelling things at the stage. The second song didn’t go much better and the boos and catcalls got worse. By the third song, Twist was singing some slow song about children crying and someone threw a bottle at him. That encouraged others to do the same and next thing I knew, bottles were flying everywhere. The band scattered off the stage and then I realized they were throwing things at me too and shouting things like "Kill the Mexican". I tried to correct them that although I kind of look Mexican, I am in fact the product of the finest genes to be found in New Dehli but no one was listening. Sad face. So I ran.

Do you know how hard it is to run in $500 patent leather Italian shoes? Very hard. I saw Twist running in front of me with one of his band members so I tried to catch up to them. Then I saw the other guy trip Twist on purpose shouting that he was sorry but someone had to take one for the team and Twist fell down. The crowd wasn’t far behind us so I picked him up and we ran around the corner and jumped into a dumpster to hide. The crowd didn’t find us but my suit is ruined! Stupid Twist! I told him he was getting a bill from me for a new suit and he tried to shush me. I also told him he needs to get a new banner with "Pride" spelled correctly but he said it was on purpose, they were a White Lion tribute band, pride of lions except spelled with a y did I get it? I did and told him it was very clever and he probably didn’t need a new banner after all. Still, what a terrible night. I am not going to see Twist’s shows anymore.

Be nice. You can find the original CGB team at WriteForCalifornia.com.

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