DBD 3.5.14 - Crimea River

I am not sure we should be making light of the situation — we are talking about a potential World War III here, but in looking at this situation there are certainly things that seem to lighten my heart.

According to Uncyclopedia:

The Crimea River is a negligible, scenic river in the Ukraine, which commands a significant historical drainage basin. It flows 230 miles through the densely forested region of Timba Land before discharging its silt into Britanny Bay. Its source is the remote Timber Lake, a popular vacation spot for many Europans, which are not to be confused with Europeans. The surrounding area is notable for both the Yalta Conference and the town of Simferopol, the place where more tears are shed per capita than anywhere else in the world.

This got me thinking.

What do people think about this? is there a call to action here? is there a call to inaction?

Facebook might tell me something useful like:

Anybody else notice this whole Crimean conflict is basically just the Crimean War from the 1850s, with Russia saying this time they're protecting ethnic minorities instead of religious ones?... And we're supposed to be... who? Napoleon? I mean... that's kind of the argument Putin's making, right?

or it might direct me to potentially less useful talking points like:

‘The similarities with Hitler and the Sudetenland/Anschluss/Peter the Great/ Stalin and the Tartars/Genghis Khan are striking.’ Historical analogies are invaluable to the experienced bluffer, but the amateur must tread carefully. It is terribly easy to become unstuck in the past. When in doubt, hedge: ‘I am not saying that Putin is Hitler, but …’ or ‘it’s easy to get carried away with these comparisons, but …’ Try to look pained, as if contemplating both the complexity and the imminent possibility of human suffering.


‘It all comes down to the energy markets.’ No one will dare contradict you here. Link the crisis to the ‘shale gas revolution’. Refer obliquely to deals between the oligarchs, the Kremlin and Gazprom, and throw in the words ‘Glasnost’ and ‘Perestroika’, ideally in an ironically proficient Russian accent, for good measure.


‘It’s simplistic to think in terms of east versus west in today’s global, multi-polar world.’ A classic this: the phrase can be adapted and used in just about any serious conversation about anything. Say it early in the discussion, before anyone else can.

thus concludes my late night work break. someone industrious will have to do the linking.

Also, in no way was this all a ploy to note that USA plays Ukraine in a match of solidarity soccer today.

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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