FanPost

DBD 7.31.13: Bad, Bygone, Bear Broadway Parodies

I was looking through all of the random things that I stuffed into the SBN story editor function over the last few years. It's mostly a collection of half-baked story ideas and things that never came to fruition for one reason or another. But there was one idea I had that didn't get published in part because there was too much going on that week, and it was shelved for, you know, actual posts with analysis and information and what not.

It seems amusing to me now, about a year and a half later. Context: This was written in the middle of Tosh-Gate, with a great deal of uncertainty going into signing day. It's easy to laugh at now, right? So without further ado, for your DBD amusement:

Signing day is near, and that means everybody is nervous and tensions are high. What better way to relieve those tensions than with musical theater! This post was inspired by a brilliant comment from CalBear81.


Scene: We open upon a group of shockingly spry internet nerds snapping in unison while discussing recruiting at secret CGB headquarters. The Jeffs are discussing strategies to respond to a new street gang known as the Sarks, who are trying to steal Jeff territory.

MANBEARCAL: (spoken) Against the Sarks we need every man we got.
AVI: Tosh don't belong any more.
MANBEARCAL: But Tosh made the Jeffs!
AVI: Well, he acts like he don't wanna belong.
SOLARISE: Who wouldn't wanna belong to the Jeffs?!
AVI: Tosh ain't been with us for over a month.
KODIAK: What about the day we clobbered the Cardinal?
NORCALNICK: Which we couldn't have done without Tosh.
SOLARISE: He sacked their ever-lovin' quarterback!
MANBEARCAL: He always came through for us but he’s gone now.

(Sings)

When you're a Jeff,
You're a Jeff all the way
From your first Bear’s Lair beer
To your final Big Game.

When you're a Jeff,
If the Dooom hits the fans,
You got brothers around,
You're a #calfamily man!

You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
Memorial’s your home:
When company's expected,
QBs are protected!

Then you are set
With a capital J,
Which you'll never forget
Till Marshawn carts you away.
When you're a Jeff,
You stay a Jeff!

(Spoken) I thought I knew Tosh like I know me. I thought we could’ve counted him in.

AVI: In, out, let's get crackin'.
NORCALNICK: Where you gonna find the Huskies?
MANBEARCAL: At the conference tonight at Larry’s place.
TWISTNHOOK: But conference HQ is neutral territory.
MANBEARCAL: (Innocently) I'm gonna make nice there! I'm only gonna challenge him.
NORCALNICK: Great, Daddy-O!
MANBEARCAL: So everybody dress up sweet and sharp.

ALL (Sing)
Oh, when the Jeffs wear gold pants at new memorial’s debut,
We'll be the sweetest dressin' #calgang in town!
And when the chicks dig us in our Jeff blue helmets,
They're gonna flip, gonna flop, gonna drop like flies!

MANBEARCAL: (Spoken) Hey. Cool. Easy. Sweet. Meet me at the SAHPC. And walk tall!
NORCALNICK: We always walk tall!
SOLARISE: We're Jeffs!
AVI: The greatest!

AVI and SOLARISE (Sing)
When you're a Jeff,
You're the top Bear in town,
You're the gold wearing kid
With the academic crown!

NORCALNICK, AVI, TWISTNHOOK
When you're a Jeff,
You're the swingin'est thing:
Little cub, you're a bear;
Little bear, a grizzly!

ALL
The Jeffs are in gear,
New facilities are clickin'!
The Sarks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Husky’s a lousy chicken!

Here come the Jeffs
4.3 speed out of hell.
Someone gets in our way,
Someone don't feel so well!

Here come the Jeffs:
West Coach teams, step aside!
Better go underground,
Better run, better hide!

We're drawin' the line,
So keep your coaches hidden!
We're hangin' a sign,
Says "recruit poaching forbidden"
And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the Jeffs,
Yeah! And we're gonna beat
Ev'ry last buggin' team
In the whole buggin' conference!
In the whole!
Ever!
Mother!
Lovin'!
Pac-12!
Yeah!

End Scene

* * * * *

Shaq Thompson! I've just met a recruit named Shaq Thompson . . .

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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