FanPost

DBD 4/19/13 - Enter Mrs. Kod: Setting the Record Straight

Despite the many entreaties for me to join this illustrious interesting community over the past few weeks, I resisted because I felt like my presence might cast a chilling effect on the free and easy banter. Instead, I lurked because I find much of what Kodiak says to be hilarious. I just can't get enough of the guy--yes, it's true love. <pause for you to go, "Awwwww."> But after reading through his DBD of our Disneyland trip, which I have to admit is only a slight exaggeration of what actually happened, I felt like I had to step forward to defend my honor.

So without further ado, I make my debut on CGB with my very own DBD before the big meet-up on Sunday. How audacious, I know! Proper Internet etiquette would suggest that I post an innocuous remark or two before daring to do a DBD, but hey, I'm Mrs. Periodic Table. That's how we roll....

Mistaken assumption #1: Kodiak is the hapless, laid-back husband who is dragged along on crazy adventures by his OCD wife.

Reality: Oh CGB'ers, you are victims of a cruel jest: Kod is actually 100 times MORE OCD than me. Seriously. We are talking about a man who has his fishing gear organized in individual drawers, who made his own lead weights (stuff that costs $1 or so at Walmart) so he could calibrate it more precisely, a man who fished every single weekend in rain, snow, and ice from the time we found out I was pregnant with Little K until about 2 weeks beforehand. This is also the man who spent hours, yes HOURS, putting on the little green mat in the garage. He is more obsessive about things than me. Really. Thankfully, he knows when to turn off his OCD nature when it comes to things I care about.

Mistaken assumption #2: Kod is a snarky ass.

Reality: Well, this is mostly true, BUT you should know that most people never get to see his snarky ass side. Really, he's in "dental mode" 90% of the time, which means he's often perceived to be a mild-mannered nice guy with a polite laugh. But watch out--it's like Clark Kent suddenly turns into Denis Leary.

Mistaken assumption #3: Kod is a fragile Mr. Glass, having hurt himself stepping off a curb and necessitating a second surgery.

Reality: Well, let's just say that those hips don't lie....Not a euphemism.

Mistaken assumption #4: PTB is a crazy child.

Reality: Well, she is exactly like Kod in the morning: cranky, slow-moving, cranky (yes, I did say that twice). But other than in the mornings, she is a feisty stubborn girl who is generally happy. She is not a psycho. She has most of her teeth now. Bay Area folks: come meet her on Sunday and judge for yourself! For people outside the Bay Area: my apologies--it sure sucks to be somewhere else, like Columbus, OH. LOL. No really, I'd like to give a shout-out to my fellow lawyers and my Asian American sistah in OH.

Mistaken assumption #5: Little K is a Daddy's girl.

Reality: Yeah, yeah, she adores her father, but seriously, this girl wakes up at 6 am every morning (without an alarm!) because she wants to say goodbye to me before I leave the house. <cue awwwwws> I know she is the spitting image of her dad, goes to all these Cal games with him, but really--she loves me, too and is known to whisper in my ear, "Go Bruins!" Don't worry, she knows she's not allowed to say it out loud.

Mistaken assumption #6: I actually give an aardvark's ass about Cal athletics.

Reality: Look, having gone to law school at Boalt does not mean I'm a huge Cal fan. I am ALL ABOUT my undergrad alma mater < GO BRUINS!> but I'm also not a watcher--I prefer to play on the court than to watch a game. Yes, Kod has posted photos of me in Cal gear but the reality is, we have an abundance of free Cal crap around the house (Grandpa and Grandma Kod are super generous and buy us lots of Cal stuff) and I often grab the nearest hat/shirt/jacket with a huge Cal logo on it. Yes, our girls have a ton of Cal gear. I'm just too cheap to buy a commensurate amount of Bruin gear.

Mistaken assumption #7: Kodiak has no fashion sense at all.

Reality: Well, this one is true. As you all know, he likes khakis with New Balance running shoes. He wears Cal gear EVERYWHERE if I don't request a specific outfit. Kod has this butt-ugly blue plaid shirt I detest with a passion but he won't let me get rid of it. He keeps it just to taunt me, but I refuse to go anywhere with him if he wears it so it sits in his closet.

I have tried upgrading his wardrobe. I bought him a pair of black leather Cole Haan Nike Air dress shoes but was met with complaints ("These make my feet and knees hurt..."). I bought him a navy blue Ralph Lauren casual windbreaker jacket ("The sleeves don't fit quite right") and a classic Ralph Lauren navy blue polo shirt ("The collar is itchy"), and then I just gave up. Thus, I will be eternally thankful that CGB'ers somehow convinced him to upgrade to the slim-fit Charles Tyrwhitt shirts--a huge improvement over the billowy Macy's dress shirts he was wearing over the past decade. For this alone, I am forever in CGB's debt.

Mistaken assumption #8: Now that I've debuted on CGB, I'll become a regular.

Reality: Unlike some people <ahem, Kodiak>, I actually have to get some work done so I can't hang out here all day. Plus, I have to say that the one huge long thread is a painful format. I much prefer message boards that have individual threads so I don't have to Z past the ones that don't interest me at all. So we'll have to see whether I actually post with any frequency.

All right, that's all the myth de-bunking I can think of at the moment. Fire away with more questions about Kod and I'll see what I can answer without getting punted to the couch.

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"Don't mess with Mrs. Kod or Little K. We mean business!"

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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