FanPost

DBD 6.6.12 The Return of "Fire Starkey: Ultimate Wingman"

Episode 7

When last we saw our intrepid heroes, they were spreading a figurative layer of Tiger Balm over the wounds left by the abrupt departure of solarise to the fleshpots of Taiwan. Tragedy abounds in this world but Rishi and Fire Starkey are showing no signs of letting misfortune beat them down. They formulate a plan to get back on track in… The Replacement.

Scene: Having posted an add on Craig’s List to replace solarise, Rishi and Fire Starkey open their special Ultimate Wingman e-mail mailbox to see how many applications have been submitted.

Fire Starkey: Suhhhhhhweeeeeeet! 63 e-mails! We’ll definitely find solarise’s replacement with that much traffic!

Rishi: No kidding! Read the first one!

Fire Starkey: Ok, lemme see, here we are "Hello, my name is Prince Abdul. I am a refugee from Nigeria…" No, that’s a fucking scam…

Rishi: Wait! What about "Horny singles in your area"? That sounds promising.

Fire Starkey: Dude, we’re looking for a promising young wingman for you, not a $200 an hour whore.

Rishi sighs in disappointment and the two love assassins continue to sift through the responses.

Fire Starkey: Well, 3 Nigerians Princes, 12 solicitations for prostitution, 7 dick length extension offers…

Rishi: Don’t delete those!

Fire Starkey: … 8 Groupon deals of the day…who the fuck signed us up for Groupon?

Rishi looks innocently at the ceiling, the wall, the chair while whistling softly…

Fire Starkey: …and 31 random offers ranging from hair extensions, job offers to work from home and Scientology ads. Oh and 1 order confirmation from Swedish Penis Pumps R Us. What the fuck? What does that leave us with?

Rishi, looking innocent: We got 1 applicant. Some dude calling himself TheScientist. I’ll call and set up the interview.

The next day, our two heroes wait patiently waiting for their interviewee. A knock comes on the door. The two jump up excitedly and open the door. They see a short Asian guy with glasses on.

TheScientist sighing heavily: Uhhhh, hi. I’m TheScientist.

Rishi tries to slam the door shut but Fire Starkey sticks his foot in the doorjam to prevent the door from closing. Fire Starkey ushers TheScientist into the room.

Fire Starkey: Now now, let’s give him a chance. So TheScientist, tell us about your most recent sexual conquest, be sure not to leave out details like location, successful lines you used, how many minutes from opening line to closing the deal, etc.

TheScientist looks confused: Wha? I haven’t had any of those before.

Rishi starts to scowl while Fire Starkey patiently continues to ask questions.

Fire Starkey: Ok, tell us about your last date.

TheScientist: Ummm, I can’t remember, it was a while ago.

Fire Starkey: How long ago?

TheScientist: Five years maybe? My mom set me up with the daughter of a work friend. She was pretty cute, even with all the head gear on. Never called me back though. TheScientist sighs again

Rishi, yelling: WHAT THE FUCK GOOD ARE YOU TO ME IF YOU…

Fire Starkey, holding Rishi back: Rishi! Let’s look at the positives here. TheScientist, are you prepared to do the work necessary to become a proper Love Assassin?

TheScientist in a tremulous voice: Yeeeesssssss? What do I have to do? Just so you guys know, I don’t drink.

Rishi makes a strangled noise as he lunges at TheScientist, obviously trying to inflict bodily harm. Fire Starkey holds him back and slaps his face.

Fire Starkey: Rishi! You’re not thinking this through! Think about it, if he doesn’t drink, he’ll spend his drinking money on you, right?

Abruptly relaxing, Rishi: Truuuuueeeeee

Fire Starkey: Plus, having him around is going to open up a whole new dynamic! You know how you and solarise always had to find a pair of hotties and how hard that was sometimes? And how many single hotties were paired up with undesirables?

Rishi: Yeeeessssssssss????

Fire Starkey: Now, he gets to pick off the undesirables! And you get the hottie! This is fucking great!

Our two heroes cheer, high five each other and go to Vegas to celebrate. TheScientist is hopping from one foot to the other with his hand raised, wanting to participate.

TheScientist despondent as he watches the 2 leave: Guys? Guys?!

TheScientist sighs and looks around Rishi’s apartment before sitting down and turning on the TV…

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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