Do I have what it takes to get Cal to the Rose Bowl????
The Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity: Crisitunity! While there is a crisis right now in Cal football, there is also an opportunity: for us! My dream has always been to coach Cal football and the future is now!
Now, me, I'm definitely gonna apply for the position. I figure I have moxie, I have gumption, I've got elbow grease (I should really see a doctor about that). I've got what it takes. I'm gonna apply. And you should, too!
Why not? Why not reach for the moon? Although, if you miss, you'll end up among the stars, hundreds of thousands of miles away from your friends and family in the cold vacuum of space
The worst that Sandy Barbour could do is say no. And also apply for a restraining order to keep you at least 100 yards away from her. But what's the chance of that happening...again? Like 0.00%. Although considering I haven't taken a math class in this millennium, I might have carried the 1 there incorrectly or something.
So, I've put my cover letter together and I'm organizing my resume. I need help, people!!!! Which font do I put my resume in? Comic sans or wing dings? And should I really include "Wrote every Daily Bear Dump for 1.5 years straight" in there? Can't figure out if that is a plus or a minus. SO MANY QUESTIONS, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
We should all apply. Why not? What's the downside? By the law of averages, if we all apply, the chance of at least ONE of us becoming the head football coach for Cal is high. Now, keep in mind, you can trust me. Afterall, I did major in a science (political science), so I know what I'm talking about.
We can all work together. Tell us in the comments why you think you'd make a great Cal football coach. Write out your cover letter, like I have mine here. And tell me how I can improve my cover letter!
November 30, 2012
123 Cal St
California, CA. 12345
Re: California Football Job Opening
Dear Ms. Barbour:
From the website where I'm sure you turn for all of your Cal head coaching news, CaliforniaGoldenBlogs (only the best website in the world! A place where Cal fans get together to pump sunshine and praise 3rd and long draw plays), I learned about your need for a football coach for the California Golden Bears. I am very interested in this position with California, and believe that my education and employment background are appropriate for the position.
You indicate that a requirement for the position is a track record of success in football. I have done this. Prior to completion of high school and up until the point in which I sat down to write this cover letter, I have played a significant amount of Madden. Not just any standard amount of Madden, but "ignore your friends and family" levels of Madden. A Tedfordian level of Madden. I missed many of my friends' birthdays, my own wedding, and even the birth of my first child to play Madden. I even erected a cot in my game room, so I can sleep there at night and start playing as soon as I wake. This shows the level of dedication that I will bring to Cal!
And all that Madden was worth it! I won multiple Superbowls with the 49ers. Plus, I didn't kick a single time through any of these seasons! My coaching philosophy could be summed up as: no missed field goals ever! I would bring that aggressive no-kick attitude to the Golden Bears. This is JUST the attitude shift you need in Berkeley! Whether its 4th and goal on the 1 or 4th and 10 on your own 20, you don't get ahead by kicking. Just like you don't win friends with salad. I've seen Cal kick many times these last few years and Cal hasn't won a bowl game since the Bush Administration. If there's one thing I learned at Cal, it's causation equals correlation. Let's change some minds and heart at Berkeley!
But wait, there's more! I would bring more than just real world video game football experience to the Golden Bears. I would bring an in depth know how of many of the terms used in speaking about football. I mean I've read almost 50% of 35% of all of HydroTech's posts. OK, read is a strong word, but I definitely skimmed the first and last paragraphs of some of them. And it's mostly sunk in! I can definitely use terms like "nickel," "trips wide," and "defense." Forget winning the second half, really flying around out there, or being physical, in the TwistNHook Era, Cal would be trying to "throw" the "football" "forward." You can almost taste the winning!
Below are some Letters Of Recommendation from upstanding members of the Cal Community. They can provide to you all the information you need to make this important decision. Thank you very kindly for your consideration.
1 TwistNHook Street
Twistylvania, CA. 90210
Letters Of Recommendation:
NorCalNick: In my many years working with TwistNHook I have learned that he possesses an uncommon commitment to many values, values that arguably qualify him for certain things. I have no doubt that if an employer were to hire him, that many of those certain things would be impacted in ways. It is for this reason that I heartily recommend TwistNHook for [Coaching Position].
Avinash Kunnath: When I think of someone who could lead Cal football, I don't think of TwistNHook. But when I think of someone who Cal football could lead, TwistNHook is the first man who comes to mind.
This man has no shame. He will go for it on 1st and 10. He will punt on 1st and 10. Sometimes he will spike the football on 4th and 10. You just never know. That's what people want. To be entertained. Wins and losses aren't quite as exciting as TwistNHook trying to troll everyone and anyone at all times.
Finally, fashion. There has lately been a definite lack of decorum (ponchos, sweatpants, white helmets) that might have contributed to our team's overall decline. I have no doubt that TwistNHook will ensure that every player will be wearing their Sunday's best. I remember when he wore a black suit to a USC game. We lost by 27. We might lose games, but TwistNHook will make us look good doing so.
TwistNHook for Cal head coach. Because we will be there.
Dear Chair of the Cal Head Coach Search Committee,
It is my privilege to recommend with enthusiasm unknown to mankind that you strongly consider Twistian Nathaniel Hook as the next Cal head football coach.
In addition to having a keen eye for fashion, Mr. Hook's experience managing the CGB community has given him unrivaled preparation to lead the California Golden Bears. As the dear leader of our beloved community, he has picked up on several of the traits and qualities we have been looking for in the next coach:
More enthusiasm: no longer will we complain about a coach who stoically paces the sideline. Twist's emotional outbursts will inspire our team to greatness. In fact, he has vowed to drop-kick his headset twice per game.
Give the backup QB a chance: there's an old saying that the backup QB is the most popular player on the team. Under Twist he'll be so popular that he'll always start the next game! And as soon as he's made the starter, the new backup will start the next game! Just for the fun of it, he'll put both QBs on the field at the same time. And occasionally, he'll even have fans vote on which QB should start.
Cover the tight end: we've seen tight ends open in the middle of the field far too many times over the last few years. This comes to an end when Twist is named head coach. He'll triple-cover the TE on every play. Running play, passing play, 1 TE, 4TEs--he'll make sure those pests never catch another pass.
Coachspeak: How many times have our recent press conferences told us things we already know? We did some things right, we'll correct some things during practice, and, of course, we have to give credit to our opponents. No more: Twist will give the press meaningful insight and analysis. He'll call out his assistants, belittle the refs, blame his players for their mistakes. He'll even talk about the gameplan in excruciating detail, explaining which plays he likes to run in which situations and basically giving opposing coaches a complete gameplan for beating us.
Open practice: no one has been able to watch practice recently, so it's tough to know what's going on besides guys flying around and being physical. Twist will open practice to everyone, so we get a better sense of what's going on. Everyone will be welcome to watch, take notes, and film practice: reporters, fans, recruits, even opposing coaches.
I could go on indefinitely describing the revolutionary ideas Twist will bring to Cal football. But I hope these handful of examples are enough to convince you that Twist has everything we need in the next Cal head coach.
It would be a mistake not to consider him the leading candidate for the position. Don't let America down.
Period 7, Block f
I feel like I've got a shot! Are you going to apply, too???