Ever since the coaching position become open at Cal, people have been asking us here at CGB, "Who do you handsome, intelligent, father-and-mother honoring guys think Sandy Barbour should hire as head coach?" Firstly, we're not all guys, we actually have a female on staff now, you heteronormative regressive!
Secondly, great question. While many other Pac-12 schools have taken their teams to that next level, Cal's football program has become stagnant. Cal football's academic progress has stalled and even dangerously declined to sub-ASU levels (I KNOW, I KNOW). We haven't beaten Stanford in 3 years. We haven't had a big win in the same period of time. We've had two losing seasons in 3 years, winning only 3 games last year. We've gotten blown out more times than I can count (although, to be fair, the only thing I learned from Sesame Street was to love sexy vampires and not, in fact, to count). We haven't won a bowl game since the Bush Adminstration (BOOO OBAMA RE-ELECTION!).
Point is, it was time for a change. We knew it. Sandy knew it. The Panoramic Hill Assocation even knew it. So, now there is this head coaching job and there are many suitors for Sandy's hand. Who do we think should be the next head coach? Who is the one person that can remake the downtrodden Cal program in his image?
Well, we've done the numbers, we've crunched the numbers, we've run the numbers, we've contacted the numbers, and we also interviewed all the numbers. Long story short, we might have a tiny crush on numbers. And the numbers say one thing: Cal needs a coach who will bring back the glory days to a disillusioned fanbase. Cal needs a coach who has dignity and class. Cal needs a coach who knows what its like to win and can bring consistent winning to Berkeley.
We don't take this decision lightly. When we make our official selection, our party line as it were, for Cal head coach, we want it to be a heavily researched, well thought out analysis. You don't come to CGB for the knee jerk sensationalism. You come here for in depth and thoughtful posts on Cal. Also, the DBD. Here are some of the criteria we look for in a head coach prospect:
Experience as a coach: We want a coach who has vast experience either as a head coach or an elite level assistant coach
Wins. Obviously, winning is better than losing. Herm Edwards 101.
Success At Recruiting. You need somebody who can bring in those big classes to get pipelines going to Cal.
Wins In Rivalry Games. Winning the big games matters a lot.
Conference Championships. We want a coach who has won championships.
Sending Players To The NFL. We want a coach who can get players to the next level
Changing the atmosphere to one of dignity and class. We want a coach who will carry themselves and the program with dignity and class.
So, those are our factors. After all the discussion, all the analysis, we feel comfortable in making our selection now. There is one man who seems head and shoulders® better than the other candidates for head coach. One man who can pick up the pieces and start pushing Cal back towards what it used to be and what it once again can be. That's why it is my pleasure to present our official CGB selection for head coach:
Jeff Tedford is the complete package. He can bring everything I listed above and more. Let's look at his head coaching resume from his previous stint as a head coach:
-11 years experience as a head coach: Many of those candidates seem nice, but they don't seem to have any experience coaching at a big school. Jeff Tedford has eleven years of winning at a school that has had historic trouble winning big-time.
-7 Wins Against Arch Rival In 8 Years: We've had our trouble with this the past three years. This guy seems to know how to get it done. Let's get that Axe back.
-82 victories in those 11 years. That's an average of seven to eight wins a year! We only won three times last year! This seems like a marked improvement! And if I have my math correct, that means we'll win like 15 games next year to even things out!
-Many High Ranking Recruiting Classes. We've had some recruiting troubles recently with prized recruiters leaving for opposing teams. Tedford might be the guy to clean the slate.
-Conference Championship. Hey, that's as many as Stanfurd has in the past dozen or so years. We definitely have to top these guys, I think we only have one of those!
-Over 30 Players In The NFL. One of these players is Aaron Rodgers. I'd like to see a guy like Aaron Rodgers at Cal. Seems like Tedford is the guy to do it!
-Totally resurrecting a football atmosphere: Our stadium looks beautiful, but we need a guy who can win and win quickly. This Tedford guy needed only three years to turn things around and get his team to a near national title berth. I'm a big fan of this!"
He did all this at a school with poor, outdated facilities. He even had to play one year outside of his normal stadium (going 4-1!). Here at Cal, with our new impressive facilities, I bet he could do even better!
Now, we're realistic here at CGB. There are some downsides to hiring Coach Tedford for the vacant head coaching position. He doesn't appear to have a strong understanding of "cyberspace." I suspect he gets concerned that when people call his office, it may kick him off the internet. And he uses hashtags on Facebook, which is ALWAYS SO AWKWARD, WHY SO AWKWARD, SOOOO AWKWARD!
If there's one thing we know here at CGB, it's that we know everything. So, trust us when we say that Jeff Tedford is just the coach that Cal needs to pick up the pieces from its previous coaching regime and take things to the next level.
And I hear he is available!
What do you think? Is Jeff Tedford the man that Cal needs to get to the Rose Bowl???