“Ok kids, time to go to sleep” said Kodiak to his two little daughters while tucking them in. After his family of four consuming a large spread of food probably meant for a family of ten, he was naturally feeling a bit sleepy. Or amorous, but more likely sleepy. He is married, after all.

“Dada can you tell us a bed time story?” asked Little K, the older of the two girls.

“Ok. Once upon a time, there was this boy…” he began.

“Nooooooo DADA a PRINCESS STORY!” blurts out PTB, the younger daughter cried out.

“And can it be a love poem?” asks Little K.

“How does she know what a poem is?” ponders the young father. “Must be the literacy that comes with such strong Bruin blood. And a poem? This is going to be a challenge.”

But the man is no ordinary father. He is the one known to many as the champion of CGB, with many great victories under his belt. A legend, known to those who know, as Dr. Periodic Table. So he summons his elements and takes a deep breath, and begins…

Let me tell you a story, it gets kinda kissy

A boy we all know, calls himself Gaurav

So get some snacks

Sit back and relax

And listen about Indians of Software and Squishee

“DADA Gaurav doesn’t rhyme with anything!” exclaimed Little K.

“Well honey, this is a song about Indians. And there is no Indian name ever that rhymes with kissy, squishee, or fishy,” explained the good doctor patiently.

“IM HUNGEE! I WANT SNACKS!” shouted the recently toothed one.

“Do you two want to hear the story? Or keep chiming in with editorialization?” asked Kodiak.

“Well if you had any editorial integrity, this wouldn’t be an issue” mumbled Little K under her breath. Thankfully for this story and for her, her father couldn’t hear her.

Let me tell you a story, it gets kinda kissy

A boy we all know, calls himself Gaurav

So get some snacks

Sit back and relax

And listen about Indians of Software and Squishee

So our hero has a friend, a girl from his class

Like a brother he was to her, this beautiful lass

Then along came a dude

And without being rude

He was making plans to tap that

“KODIAK!!!!” shouts his wife

“Maple tree! He was going to tap that maple tree!” Kodiak defends himself. “Let me finish my story!”

This fellow courted Gaurav’s good friend

And if you read his posts and could follow a trend

This was more than a fling

And he presented a ring

She said yes, but that’s not the end

“DADA is she the princess? Does she have a crown?” asked PTB.

“Not quite… ”

She planned for a wedding, inviting everyone they know

Picking bridesmaids and groomsmen for her and her beaux

Getting rid of the slough

Was difficult and tough,

But our bride- to-be chose, including the boy who was like her bro

But the groom knew our hero, dating back a few years

Starting from some a night that had too many beers

This dude had a Tree sister

And Gaurav did diss her

To all of the Cal alumni and friend cheers

The groom disliked this choice and protested

A compromise was discussed and finally suggested

That if Gaurav said sorry

And dressed less fancy than a saari

That perhaps between the bride and the groom it wouldn’t be contested

Gaurav’s not happy with this turn of events

He tries to make it right by putting in his two cents

“Ok she isn’t as flat as Stanford’s campus,

When I said it I wasn’t using my hippocampus”

So his best attempts still made him seem dense.

The bride was upset – “Try being sweet like candy,

And during the wedding, please try not to dress like a dandy”

Try to be nice

Smooth like ice

And perhaps everything will work out grandly.

So Gaurav gets some drinks, feeling a little dirty

“Maybe you’re not so bad, maybe even a little purdy”

But like all CalBandGreat plots

Those drinks turned into shots

And that’s how Gaurav’s in bed with a Furdie.

“So they had a sleepover?” interrupts Little K.

“Uh… sort of,” stuttered our storyteller, hoping his wife didn’t hear this latest part of the story. “Let’s just move on.”

“YOU PROMISED US A PRINCESS STORY!!!!” shouted PTB.

It’s the morning of a wedding and our hero is chagrined

Started by an unnecessary apology from a girl thin-skinned

An inappropriate joke

Led to a poke

And now a Cardinal this Bear has pinned

But he needs to get ready and shower

So he hops in for at least an hour

Singing songs of his alma mater

Until there is no more hot water

And then he blow dries his hair with wind power

You’d think he was done, but you’d be in for a surprise

Gaurav now needs to get out all his beauty supplies

He powders himself pink

Until he has broken the sink

And he gets dressed while still debating amongst his ties.

“Gaurav is the princess?” Little K says dejectedly.

“Well, I was going to let you decide who was the princess at the end of it,” explained Dr. Kod

“YOU PROMISED US A PRINCESS STORY!!!!” shouted PTB, clearly demonstrating that the author of this story was getting tired of coming up with new lines and merely copied and pasted the last thing she said.

You’d think that getting dressed is easy, but you would be wrong

He ponders this decision listening to Ke$ha’s latest song

For if he picks right

Then maybe for tonight

His appearance and clothing just might compensate for his schlong.

He exits her room, but to his greatest dismay

All his friends are hanging around the hotel entry way

Ducking behind a wall,

Then sprints down a hall,

Despite regretting this mistake, he just might have gotten away

He rejoins his friends, after a close scrape

They’re watching TV, unaware of his close escape

But before he could talk

He finds himself in shock,

As everybody is watching what happened last night, all caught on tape

He feels like he’s ill, a quiver in his colon

A private embarrassment, exposed and stolen

What happens next?

It’s going to be complex

But I’m done telling you this story, cuz I actually iz Dolan

"MOOOOOOOOOOM! CAN WE GET A REAAAAAALLLL STORY?"