The Pac-12 Family: UCLA

This is the third in a twelve part series on the mythical origin of each Pac-12 school . . . up next: the UCLA Bruin. (Part 1: USC, Part 2: ASU/UA)

For quite some time, there were only three great beings in what is now known as the state of California: the noble and all-knowing California Golden Bear, the evil and dark Stanfurd Indian, and the ruthless and cunning Southern California Trojan. Knowing that he was outnumbered 2-1, the Golden Bear decided to recruit an ally to try and counter the darkness that was gaining power in California. At first, the Golden Bear sought the help of a local Spartan from the small town of San Jose to try and set up shop in Los Angeles. While this worked for a few years, the Golden Bear knew that he needed a more permanent presence in the south to keep the darkness at bay. The Golden Bear then began negotiating with a local Triton to bring his power just a few miles away in what is now known as San Diego.

When the Indian and the Trojan got word that the Golden Bear was recruiting the Triton, they became worried that their power would soon be threatened by this new, great alliance. The two evil beings then began to discuss how they could foil the Golden Bear's plans. The Trojan and the Indian seemingly tried EVERYTHING: curses, great battles, unlimited amounts of offshore money, magic potions, and even sabotage, but nothing seemed to deter the Golden Bear. Then, the Trojan in a stroke of evil genius tried one last thing: a magic potion that would put the Golden Bear in a great deal of pain. The Trojan hoped, that while the Golden Bear was in such excruciating pain, he would be able to destroy the Triton and foil the Californian's plan. One night, the Trojan broke into the Golden Bear's lair and put the potion into a glass of water that was next to where the great Bear was sleeping. The Southern Californian then ran out of the room trying to contain his wicked glee. On his way out, the Trojan carelessly slammed the door behind him and the Golden Bear quickly arose from his slumber, but it was too late, the Trojan had already escaped and the unknowing Bear took a drink of the poisoned water before drifting back to sleep.

When the Golden Bear woke the next morning, he realized that something was horribly wrong: the potion that the Trojan had given the Golden Bear the previous night created a large, painful boil on the Golden Bear's posterior. He quickly had it removed and disposed of it not far from the Spartan's old outpost in Southern California. Then, something magical happened, the growth that was removed from the Golden Bear fused with the Spartan's left over magic to create a small clone of the Golden Bear! This new creature was not quite as intelligent, or functional as the Golden Bear, but because of the bond between the two, it was granted a great deal of power. This new bear-like creature was almost identical to the Golden Bear in every way except for one thing: for whatever reason, the Southern Bear did not have any organs of reproduction, which led to this new creature being called the BRUIN.


Golden Bear Boil + Spartan Magic = Small Dickless Bear Bruin?

Because of the new Bruin creature, the Golden Bear had to abandon his plans with the Triton to try and figure out what to do with this disturbing being. The Triton eventually gained some prominence on his own, but never was able to get the power that was originally promised to him by the Golden Bear. For a while, the Golden Bear thought it wise just to put the Bruin out of its misery, but eventually decided to spare its life, thinking that it could be the counter to the Trojan's power that he was looking for—this would go on to be one of the Golden Bear's greatest mistakes. The Bruin soon grew very jealous of the Golden Bear's great power and intellect and decided that in order to gain prestige on his own, he should begin to mimic everything that his northern counterpart would do. First, the Bruin began to use the same battle flag, colors, and script as the Golden Bear. The Californian was slightly irritated with the Bruin's mimicry, but he felt like it was not that big of a deal because even though the Bruin was stealing the Golden Bear's symbols, he was using them all wrong. One excellent example of this was the fact that the Bruin was using a horrible, infantile shade of blue instead of the proud, navy (Yale) blue that was (and still is) on the Golden Bear's banner. The Bruin, however, took things too far when he began to use one of the Golden Bear's favorite anthems in battle. This infuriated the Golden Bear because it made many to believe that the Californian and the bumbling Bruin were allies on the field of battle—and that could not be further from the truth. Unfortunately for the Golden Bear, it was too late to stop the Bruin and his ridiculous versions of the Golden Bear's traditions. To this day, out of jealousy, the Bruin still uses the Golden Bear's colors, anthem, war chant, and ceremonial ritual . . . all of them, of course, nothing more than a watered down and superficial copy of the original, much like the empty-headed Bruin.


Despite being a know-nothing Bruin, he was able to establish the southern extension of the University of California and was able to find success while riding on the coattails of the all-powerful and all-knowing Golden Bear. However, like the superficial versions of the Golden Bear's rituals, everything that the Bruin did could never be done quite right. Even the Bruin's powerful (false) prophet Wooden, could not hold a candle to the greatness of the Golden Bear's own fearless leader: Newell the Great. Newell had beaten the great false prophet 8 straight times on the court of wood, and the Bruin realized that the only way to gain dominance was for the Golden Bear to lose his great leader. Fortunately for the Bruin, the great leader Newell had to resign his post as counsel to the Golden Bear . . . Wooden was then able to use his false message to gain power in the whole of California. Even though the Golden Bear had dominated the southern extension Bruin for most of its 50 years in existence, the next half century was one to forget for the Californian. Even though the Bruin found a way to defeat the Golden Bear in battle for many, many years, the Golden Bear recently began to build up strength and began to defeat the annoying gnat Bruin. The Golden Bear has seen a great deal of success against his southern foe in recent years on the fields of battle and California's faithful want nothing more than for that success to continue. No matter what happens this Saturday on the field of battle, true Californians know these simple facts: WE HAVE OUR OWN COLORS, OUR OWN FIGHT SONG, AND WE HAVE A REAL DAMN BEAR.

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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