Not sure you noticed, but recently things got a bit real up in Oregon. Oregon footballer Cliff Harris got pulled over doing 118. It was a thing of myth and legend. Until now. A TV station up in Eugene got ahold of the police dashboard camera, revealing video of the legendary event. Patrolman David Stallsworth pulls the car over early in the morning and hijinks ensue!
Finally, we are able to get a deeper insight into what happened on that fateful June 12 night, including this "instant classic" exchange:
Patrolman: "Who's got the marijuana in the car?"
Harris: "We smoked it all."
Of course, the best part is that they try to cast the blame elsewhere:
Who's been smoking dope?" Stallsworth asks without waiting for an answer to the previous question. The response, although it's not clear from whom, blames the passengers in the back seat for smoking pot.
"They're not football players, they've just graduated," someone says. "One's graduated, one's not a football player" someone in the car answers.
And the cop tries to be lenient with them, trying to figure out whether he should ticket them or not:
"Is that necessarily reckless, going 118? I don't know," Stallsworth tells the caller. He later says he might call his supervisor for guidance as he ponders the possible infractions.
Well, I took the time to go through the unedited video. I've written out a transcript of what it stated on the tape. This is a literal word for word translation of all the interactions. You can trust me. I'm part of the media! And many thanks to Redonkulous Bear for helping with this project! GO BEARS!
Harris: "What seems to be the problem officer?"
Officer: "How fast do you think you were driving back there?"
Harris: "We Oregon Ducks. We don't drive fast, we fly low!"
Officer: "Don't play dumb with me kid. You were going 118. What's your name."
Harris: "Uh, call me, Hiff Clarris. Yes, that's my name."
Unidentified voice from car: "My name is Darron Thomas, I am the star quarterback for YOUR University of Oregon Ducks. You might remember me from such pull-overs as Jeremiah Masoli and Eddie Pleasant."
Officer: "Wait, Darron Thomas? From the football team?"
Harris: "Yes! That's me! You might remember me from throwing many, many interceptions in the National Championship game!"
Officer: "Are there other football players back there?"
Unidentified voice: "Hey, I'm Patrick Chung. I used to play for the Ducks."
Officer: "What? No. Really?"
Chung: "Yes, of course. I'm Patrick Chung. I play for the Patriots now."
Officer: "Don't piss on my leg and say it's raining. You don't look like a Chung."
Chung: "I get that all the time. I know where you are coming from. It was Chungstein in the old country. Got changed at Ellis Island. So, I could see why you would think I don't look like a Chung."
Officer: "Well, I remember back in basic training, whenever we got smacked in the face, it was called getting "Chunged." I always wondered where that came from."
Chung: "I don't want to talk about it."
Unidentified voice: "Hey, this is Jeremiah Masoli."
Officer: "Weren't you kicked off the team?"
Masoli: "Ya, but I couldn't let an Oregon duck player violate the law without my expert guidance. They call me the Duck Whisperer. So, I flew back into town to help Cliff out."
Harris: "He means Hiff! Hiff! That's me, Hiff!"
Officer: "Wait a second, I recognize you, you are Cliff Harris. Another footballer! Who else is back there, let me look in here. Wait a second, that can't be right, is that Phil Knight???"
Unidentified voice from car: "You got me! It's world billionare Phil Knight. I'm taking a break from my busy schedule of putting life size art pieces of myself in women's bathrooms all around Oregon to ride dirty with my boys!"
Officer: "Who else is back there? Who are all those additional people?"
Harris: "That's the entire editorial team from SBNation website Addicted To Quack. They come along to live tweet every moment of this adventure."
Unidentified voice from the car: "THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST TAKO TUESDAY EVER!!!!! I COULD GET UPWARDS OF 4 COMMENTS!"
Officer: "Do any of you have ID?"
Chorus of voices: "No."
Officer: "I can smell pot. Who has the pot in the car?"
Harris: "We smoked it all."
Officer: "All of you smoked it or you smoked all of it."
Harris: "Woah, slow down there, egghead, we didn't get into Berkeley now. Also, we're all incredibly high, what are you asking?"
Officer: "Which ones of you smoked the pot?
Harris: "Uh, it was all these people in the back. Some who graduated. They aren't football players. Masoli is high on a variety of substances, including vampire blood, which only exists in the fictional HBO show True Blood. They've done all the illegal drugs. Us current Oregon footballers we've just been here doing nothing. Except for our homework. I've been doing problem sets during this entire trip."
Officer: "You've been doing homework, while driving 118 miles per hour?"
Harris: "Well, I mean, ok, maybe not the entire time. All I'm trying to say is its these other people in the back of the car. The back car people. Get them!"
Officer: "What is that bag there? Let me look at that. This bag is full of empty syringes and instructions on how to use steroids. And the word STEROIDS is written repeatedly on the side of the bag. Do you have steroids?"
Harris: "No, we used it all. We injected each other with illegal performance enhancing drugs in direct contravention of a variety of NCAA violations. I mean I didn't. All those people in the back did. The ones who graduated or aren't footballers. Look at how buff they are now."
Unidentified voice from car: "JTLIGHT SMASH!"
Officer: "I think this is probable cause. I'm going to search the car."
Officer opens trunk, staggers back a few feet and runs back to the driver's side of the car.
Officer: "There are multiple dead bodies in your trunk. And they are dressed up like clowns! There are multiple dead clowns in your trunk! WHY ARE THERE MULTIPLE DEAD CLOWNS IN YOUR TRUNK??!? And where is the smaller one's head? Why is there a headless clown in your trunk? And is that Roboduck in there???????"
Harris: "We killed them all. First, we pre-meditated the plan with malice aforethought. Then, we murdered them. That's how we got this car!"
Officer: "Well, that would explain how you were able to fit the entire staff of ATQ in this car."
Unidentified voice from car: "No, no, no, it was these people in the back who constructed a complex plan to murder a variety of clowns. Some have graduated. Others aren't even football players."
Officer: "Hmmm, what do you think Chip Kelly would say if I called him up and told him that his star football players had murdered a bunch of circus clowns?"
Harris: "Probably that I should rough them first before I go in for the kill. He told me that I should make them really hurt before I end it. Especially for Roboduck! Then, he screamed a lot of stuff that I didn't understand and excused himself to go call somebody named Willie."
Officer: "OK, I need to talk this over with my central command."
Officer steps away from the car and speaks into his walkie talkie.
Officer: "Ya, ya, there were driving 118 mph. They didn't have any ID. Ya. Ya. No, all of AddictedToQuack. Also, JShufelt, who isn't actually a moderator, but acts like one all the time. Ya. Ya. Total power trip, that guy. Anyway, they had illegal steroids on them. They had murdered several people. But is that really reckless? Murdering clowns? Clowns don't have families or souls. Roboduck definitely doesn't have a soul. And it's not technically against the law to use steroids. Ya. Hmmm. Uh-huh. OK, I guess we'll let them slide, just give them a ticket for the 118."
Officer turns around, walks up confusedly to the car.
Officer: "I'm sorry, but I had pulled over a car here with some people in it. It was a green and gold car. But this appears to be a white car with silver trim and wings on the edges. Do you know where that other car went?"
Unidentified voice from the car: "No, sorry, must have been another car."
Officer: "Oh, ok, well, I guess then I'll look for that car. Have a great day, folks."
Officer walks away from the car, very confused, and it speeds away.
Harris: "Thanks, Phil, we needed that. Always handy to have you around!"