FanPost

DBD 7/14/11: The Hit Squad Strikes Back

 

(Note:  If you haven't read Twist's slanderous manifesto, this will make zero sense.  Afterwards...perhaps a cent or two.)

 

Somewhere in a Spire with Flying Buttresses:

 

Kodiak:  (sighs heavily)

OhioBear:  The CGBers have been unruly of late.  It's time to remind them of their place.

(snaps fingers)

 

CALumbus Bear leaps up with scented oils.

 

OhioBear:  No!  Not now, CALumbus!  I meant that for atoms.

 

Atoms:  What is thy bidding, my master?

 

OhioBear:  Execute Operation Oski's Van

 

Atoms:  It shall be done.  Phase I:  Take down the leader of the resistance.

 

*     *     *

 

Twist:  Noooooooo!  Who did this?  Oh the inhumanity?!?!?!

 

Rishi:  Whoa...You look terrible.  Like seriously.  Who dressed you?  You look like a middle-aged dentist.

 

Twist:  My seersucker.  It's gone.  Vanished.  It was there last night.  And now, all I have are these horrible clothes.  (he curls into a fetal position, weeping)

 

Rishi:  How uncivilised!  Who would do such a thing?  He checks the tags.  They read, "Made in China."

 

 

(And the wind whispers...."L e o n.....P o w e."

 

 

*     *     *

 

Atoms:  Phase 2:  Unleash our mole.

 

sec119:  You r-r-r-r-ang?

 

OhioBear:  Excellent.  Agent 6.02 x...

 

sec119:  Please, use my code name.

 

OhioBear:  Very well, sec199.  What have you to report?

 

sec119:  I infiltrated the CGB resistance by saying that I would stand with their leader.  While inside, I subverted their past and present interns.  They have all the personnel data necessary to bring the rest of the operation to its knees.

 

CALumbus Bear:  I like the sound of that!

 

OhioBear:  How did you subvert the interns?  Meth?  Opiates?  

 

sec119:  We bought boomtho's loyalty with an automatic coffee machine and a pile of pre-season awards magazines.  katster came at a much higher price.  We had to get her lifetime passes to World Con and Corflu.

 

Atoms:  Phase 3:  Acquire suitable housing for confinement.

 

OhioBear:  How did you find anything within budget?  This isn't Ohio or Sacramento?, after all.  Where could you find something so wretched and cheap that we could afford it?

 

Cugel:  Okay, boss dudes.  Here's the keys you asked for.  Thanks for a making such a great deal.  You won't be sorry!  (leaves)

 

sec119:  We managed to swing a great deal in exchange for a great deal of previously unreleased Civil War-era porn.

 

CALumbus Bear:  HOW DARE YOU RELEASE THOSE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!??!?!

 

OhioBear:  Relax.  It was just a bunch of grainy black and white photos featuring exposed ankles.

 

Atoms:  Phase 4:  Lure the CGBers to their new "accommodations."

 

boomtho:  After extensive market research, I've developed keywords for our online advertising which will specifically target individual CGBer's.  Except for yellow fever.  For some reason, he moved in three months ago.

 

katster:  And I've tweaked the search engine optimization.  Here it goes.  Types "indoor plumbing,  cats welcome."

 

CalBear81:  How delightful!  We don't have anything like this in Sacramento!

 

boomtho:  Types "weed dispensary on premises."

 

zoonews:  We like!  We are most pleased!

 

katster:  Types "complimentary chicken n' waffles."

 

Mr. F:  GREAT SUCCESS!

 

boomtho:  Types "outliers welcome"

 

YWC:  One of us!  I've come home!!!

 

katster:  Puts up a picture of CALumbus Bear posing shirtless.  "Charles Tywritt:  Hell yes, you need a shirt."

 

Rishi:  Imma totes having a housewarming slumber party in my basement!!!

 

boomtho:  Types "includes driving range and golf course membership"

 

turkey:  Nailed it.

 

katster:  Types "girls girls girls, all weights listed."

 

carp:  I'm so torn.

 

BTown85:  I'm not.  This is what I'm talkin' about!!!

 

boomtho:  Types "Taiwanese stripper funeral available."

 

j.lee:  I didn't know this was possible!

 

boomtho:  Types "beer on tap, crafts included."

 

CruzinBears:  It's drink o'clock!

 

Goldblooded:  Hurray!  Hurray, beer!

 

Rocksanddirt:  Now you're talking.  

 

49er16:  Mmmm...Business is good.

 

katster:  Types "free online gaming, not boring, doesn't suck."

 

royrules22:  Legacy mode FTW!

 

Swamphunter:  You're all goin' down!!!

 

boomtho:  Types "pants optional, Stainmaster carpeting, pogo stick parking."

 

DC Trojan:  Bluidy fabulous!

 

Atoms:  This is taking too long.  Unleash the ballistas.

 

since1997:  ZOMG!  These places will be just perfect with solar panels.  XOXOXOXOXO.

 

Scootie:  And we can host happy hour on the roof!  XOXOXOXOXOXO.

 

FireStarkey:  Oh hell yes!

 

kolwave:  We can talk about getting this darn dress of mine tailored!

 

Harsha:  All the Bears are going...I guess I'd better copy them.

 

BearStage:  It is too full of the milk of human kindness to pass up.

 

 

*           *             *

 

 

Kodiak:  (blinks)

 

OhioBear:  You may wonder why we have carefully gathered you all here in this slum lord housing complex. (snaps fingers)

 

CALumbus Bear leaps up with scented oils.

 

OhioBear:  No!  Not now, CALumbus!  

 

Atoms:  (flicks a switch)  A giant monitor descends from the ceiling.

 

All:  Ooooh.  Ahhh.

 

Paleodan:  Oh!

 

Twist:  Oops, my bad.  I get excited easily.  Um.  That's not a shofar in my pants, btw.

 

The monitor flicks to life and an image of Chip Kelly striding across the grass comes into focus.

 

All:  Boooooooo!

 

Kodiak:  (scratches temple)

 

OhioBear:  It has taken extensive planning and more resources than you-

 

CALumbus Bear:  (raises hand)  You mean that time we all got drunk and started drawing crazy sh!t on the napkins?

 

OhioBear:  (sighs heavily)  Yes.  Now be a good man and go get me some grapes.  I'll give you a double scotch.

 

CALumbus Bear:  WOO!!! 

 

OhioBear:  Make it so, atoms.

 

Atoms:  (touches a headset)  Let the sleeper awaken.

 

On screen, Robo Duck comes running into the picture.  He tackles Chip Kelly and gives him a wedgie.  The force of the impact shreds fabric.

 

All:  YESSSS!!!

 

The camera zooms in.  A heart tattoo is present and can clearly be read, "Chippy K. Loves Willie L. Forevah"

 

Across the bottoms of the screen, the ESPN sports ticker starts to scroll, "Indisputable evidence found linking Chip Kelly to Willie Lyles.  NCAA has ruled that this is clearly a loss of institutional control.  Full sanctions to follow."

 

Twist:  Let's party like it's 2004!

 

Kodiak:  (coughs)

 

OhioBear:  Paleodan.  If you would be so kind.

 

Paleodan leaps up and starts dragging Twist away.  "Back to the salt mines, dude."

 

Twist:  Nooooooo!  I'll be back!  I'll escape!  As a freeeeeee elllllf!!!!

 

CalBear81:  Let's celebrate like it's 1920!  Or 1921!  Or 1922!  Or 1923!

 

All:  Hurray!  Wonder!  Team!  Wonder!  Team!  GO BEARS!!!  (Begin celebrating and partying wildly)

 

Off in the distance...somewhere...Robo Duck's costume is left in an unmarked dumpster.  As the head sags, a label sticks out, "Made in China."

 

And the wind whispers...."L e o n....P o w e."

 

End.

 

*************

 

Hmmm...Well, the paint fumes and sleep deprivation might have gotten to me.  Clearly, it's time we start looking for a replacement.  So, let's kick off the great Hit Squad recruiting class of 2011!

Tell us, oh clever CGBers, why we should extend you an offer.  Do you have SEC spe-e-e-e-d?  Are you strong like bull?  Do you have impeccable fashion sense and your breath smells like peach lotion?

And then tell us what it'll take for us to seal the deal with your recruitment.  Here's a hint - the Reggie Bush package is boring and it sucks.  Applications will be carefully considered based on creativity and just how far we can stretch the NCAA's tidy whiteys.  Where would you want to take your official and unofficial visits?  What should be in your accidentally-left swag baskets?  What type of "He Got Game"  outrageous pampering do you expect on your visits?

Or, unleash your inner Willie and pimp out a fellow CGBer.  Or a stable of CGBers.  What'll it take to get the 2011 CGB scouting package?

Recruiting season is open!  Go! 

 

 

 

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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