FanPost

DBD The Hit Squad's Reign Of Terror Must End 7.12.11

When we created The Hit Squad, it all seemed like fun and games.  Mostly, Connect Four.  But also, it allowed the front page guys to focus on creating high quality front page content.  Sure, they had to ban a few people, but you can't make Chef Boyardee without breaking a few eggs.  Or so I've heard.  

But, as many of you are aware, recently they've gotten out of control.  When they were randomly and arbitrarily banning other non-me people, I didn't care.  Who would?

But recently, they *gasp* banned me briefly for my repeated and continued failures to spell "stanfurd" correctly.  Let me cut and paste the text of an email I received.

"Twist,

It has come to our attention that you continue to misspell stanfurd by using an offending vowel and a ridiculous capitalization.  Why do you do this?  Do you hate Cal and love stanfurd?  Are you really a stanfurd fan running a Cal site for no more reason than boredom and a place to spew your unbelievably insane views on pocket squares???

THIS.

ENDS.

NOW.

You are hereby banned for 6 hours for penance.  Everytime we see you misspelling stanfurd, you will be banned for 1 hour!  THERE WILL BE NO ADDITIONAL WARNING!

Hope your kids are all OK,

The Hit Squad."

 

Needless you to say, I was quite taken aback by this.  I see now that the very organization I helped set up is out of control.  WE MUST STOP THEM!!!!!!  But how?  First, we must learn more about our sworn enemies.  To understand them is to destroy them!

 



First up, you have Colonel Ohio Bear.  He's not a spring chicken anymore, but he still looks impressive in his military finery.  See for yourself:

Colonel-sanders-1_medium

via www.nndb.com

Looking good, Ohio Bear:

Colonel_medium

via abagond.files.wordpress.com

Ohio Bear is known for his harsh training tactics and extreme focus on detail.  Even being 1 minute late to a Hit Squad meeting can land somebody in the hole.  The hole, ironically, relates to an intricate spire constructed by Ohio Bear to house malcontents.  Puts em up there, lets em stew for a while in one of its flying buttresses.  They'll never be late ever again.  

Ohio Bear demands precision, he demands perfection.  He puts cleanliness next only to Ohioliness.  Each day at 7 AM, he rouses his troops for their morning revue.  Lined up perfectly, they endure Ohio Bear's slow march back and forth looking, searching, seeking, almost demanding imperfections for him to harp upon.  It's an almost unbearable existence, made only slightly better by his original recipe with over 13 different spices.  It's quite delicious.

Yes, Ohio Bear treats his friends well.  Don't get on his bad side.  OR ELSE!

Of course, OhioBear is a powerless figurehead prone more to huffing and puffing than actually accomplishing any real goals.

As any hardened Hit Squad watcher knows, Kodiak is the true puppet master here.  When Ohio Bear says, does, or thinks anything, it is only, completely, totally, and solely because Kodiak wants Ohio Bear to say, do, or think that.  Kodiak runs the Hit Squad with an iron fist covered in a lavender glove.  To the outside world, he is a compassionate lover of the arts.  A man hesitant to even warn people.  A scholar thrown in amongst rogues.  

It is all for show.  His Machivellian machinations would rival even El Diablo himself.  Pushing and pulling the Hit Squad levers every moment of every day is his focus.  He currently resides in an underground lair oddly called the Spire with the Flying Butresses.  It makes little sense, but that's just how he is.  

Atomsareenough is the Luca Brasi of the Hit Squad.  When Kodiak wants something done, he snaps his beautifully manicured fingers and Ohio Bear orders Atomsareenough to do it.  Doesn't matter what it is.  It happens.  Kneecaps broken?  Atomsareenough does it.  Widows mugged?  Atomsareenough does it.  Gorgeous thousand year old Buddha statues destroyed?  Atomsareenough does it and he LOVES TO DO IT!

There is no task that can't be solve with an "Atoms Does It!"  So, definitely stay on this guy's good side.  You don't want to end up blown up into clay shards like so many Buddha statues before you.  

CALumbus Bear has no real role.  He's kind of just a pretty boy.  All the guys wanna be and all the ladies wanna be with him.  I would say his #1 best asset is his eye lashes.  Just picture perfect eye lashes.  The sort of eye lashes you want to take home to your parents.  He flashes those bad boys at you, you just plain melt.  It's not even fair sometimes, yknow?  Why must so much beauty be in one man?  What did he do to deserve that?  Why not me, you might say!    

CALumbus Bear spends most of his day fawning over Ohio Bear.  Fanning him with giant palm leaves.  Feeding him grapes one at a time.  The usual stuff.  Ohio Bear keeps CALumbus Bear in the good stuff and he never lets CALumbus Bear forget that.  

Finally, there is LeonPowe.  Nothing is known about LeonPowe.  His story is lost to the mists of a Dickensian underworld unapproachable by all.  In the shadows of the shadows of the shadows, he is said to reside.  If you listen to the wind late at night, it is said you can hear it whisper "LEONPOWE!"  Few people have even laid eyes upon LeonPowe, so no real description of him is known.  They say he has a long scar down his face.  They say he looks vaguely like Simba from Lion King.  They say he has 3 arms.  Who can trust they?  

Should you see LeonPowe, please try to tell him I think I have his wallet.  I think he left it at a tailgate.  It doesn't have a lot of information in it.  Just his full legal name, Address,  Social Security number, and Mother Maiden's name.  Also, his first pet's name and the city he was born in.  Not sure what to do that.

Either way, these men must be stopped.  Their Reign Of Terror has to end!  They cannot continue to destroy the quiet beach side community!  This must stop!  

Who will join me in taking down these bloated power mongers?  Who will stand with TwistNHook! 

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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