People have often wondered about this story and many don’t believe it ever happened. But I know different. I conducted numerous first person interviews, hired actors to participate in critical scene re-enactments and completed voluminous and exhaustive research to show all of CGB the truth. What truth you say? Read on to uncover The Truth…Revealed!
Scene: A hospital room where three men, dressed in the height of late 80’s hair metal fashion, surround a hospital bed occupied by a man in a full body cast. Kodiak, Zoonews and OhioBear are scowling down at TwistNHook, who is groggily emerging from unconsciousness.
Twist: Ooooooooh, what happened?
OhioBear: You happened, that’s what! What were you thinking? We are Pozeur, the best White Lion cover band in the world!
Twist: But that name makes us seem like fakers! I wanted a name that expressed our devotion and love for the greatest band in history!
OhioBear: Whyte Pryde??? Seriously??? You renamed the band Whyte fucking Pryde??? What’s with all the damned “y”s in the name?
Twist: What’s wrong with that? It’s cool. At least I didn’t add a “u” like Rishi or some dumb British guy would have. Besides, I got us a gig! Our first gig!
OhioBear: It was a skinhead bar, Twist.
Twist: I didn’t know it was a skinhead bar, they had a last second cancellation and called me up to get us to perform, no questions asked. No one else was letting us play.
Kodiak: Whyte Pryde at a skinhead bar. Way to go dude. What will my mother think?
Zoonews is looking around the room for something and gives a surprised grunt of pleasure when he sees a potted plant in the corner. He walks over, unzips his faux leather pants and begins noisily urinating in it.
OhioBear: Ill conceived from the beginning, I’m surprised we got through 3 songs. They sure as hell didn’t like “When the Children Cry”. Hey, after they started throwing beer bottles at us, why did you start going into convulsions?
Twist: Those weren’t convulsions, that was my interpretive dance attempting to bridge the gap of hate between our two groups.
Kodiak: Didn’t work, we escaped just in time.
Twist: I didn’t! Who tripped me?
Zoonews raises his hand, belching loudly as he continues to fertilize the plant.
Zoonews: Dude, someone had to take one for the team. It was your turn.
Twist: My turn? This is the first time anything like this has ever happened.
Zoonews: Right. Your turn then.
OhioBear: No kidding! I for one am sick of your shit, Twist. Besides, I’m not in this for the music. I’m in it for the bitches!
Zoonews and Kodiak using falsetto voices and doing some hardcore air guitar: The bitchhhhhhesssssss!
Kodiak: Sorry Twist, you’re out of the band. We’ve already talked to Ragnarok and he’s agreed to front Pozeur. Kodiak mimes cutting his throat. You suck! Kodiak OUT!
Twist: Noooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Zoonews picks up Twist’s blonde Mike Tramp wig and throws it out the window. The three remaining members of Pozeur stalk out of the room while Twist sobs.
Scene: Many months later, we see Twist aimlessly wandering the streets of an unidentified town. Zooming into a close up of his face, the audience sees his face scrunched up into a rictus of loneliness and despair. Suddenly, he breaks into song. Hear the depth of Twist’s despair.
Realizing his need for companionship, Twist decides to try to make some new friends.
First, he tries to learns king fu. That didn’t end well.
Next, he takes to the soccer pitch. FAIL.
Then he tries to hang out with the cool guys, gets drunk and pays the price. Now we know why he doesn’t drink.
Finally, he tries internet dating. Man, you find some weirdos on the net!
Thoroughly discouraged, we see a depressed Twist walking through a park when he spies a young woman sitting on a park bench, sobbing into her hands. She seems familiar for some reason and Twist quickly realizes that she is the girl Whyte Pryde hired to star in their demo video.
Twist: Hello, pretty girl! Remember me? I’m Twist, from the greatest White Lion cover band ever, Whyte Pryde!
Pretty girl, with a heavily accented voice and tears streaming down her face: Go away, Twist.
Twist: That wouldn’t be neighborly! Let’s hang out!
Pretty girl: I have troubles, I do not want to hang out. I am being deported back to motherland Russia next week unless I find someone to marry me. In Russia, I am wanted by bad peoples and they will kill me if I go back.
Twist, gasping with delight: Really?!?! I’ll marry you! But before we do, we have to go out on a date. My absolute favoritest movie ever is called The Runner and the way the two main characters fall in love…it’s the way love should be!
Pretty girl: You would marry me? You don’t like the dirty, filthy sex do you?
Twist: Sex? Ewwwwwwww! No, I just want someone to hang out with me. But we HAVE to reenact their first date from The Runner. No matter what I do, just don’t run away! I won’t touch you or anything!
Pretty girl: oooooooooooookay, I guess so.
The two “lovebirds” get into Twist’s car and start driving. Neither of them say anything although the pretty girl keeps glancing nervously at Twist who is humming happily and bobbing his head to music only he can hear. Suddenly…
Twist: Ohhhh, I don’t feel so good. Must be something I ate.
Twist continues groaning while the Pretty Girl continues to look at him with increasing alarm. The car is starting to swerve into adjacent lanes of traffic, with cars in both directions honking their horns at them.
Twist: Ohhhh, ohhhhh, OHHHHH! I’m shit…I’m shitting, I’M SHITTING!!! I’M SHITTING!!!
Twist is bouncing up and down in his seat while the girl looks on in horror. Abruptly, Twist slams on the breaks.
Twist: Ok, see you tomorrow. Make sure you bring me a teddy bear that is wearing a diaper.
Pretty girl: What? That is it? Did you mess yourself?
Twist shushes her and whispers: No, of course not. Remember! Like the movie!
Pretty Girl: You want me to bring teddy bear with diaper?
Twist: Yup. That’s how I’ll know our love is meant to be. Ok? Get out now, please. I have to go to practice. My new band, Cyrcle, is jamming.
Twist whips out a long haired Brunette wig and starts putting it on. The girl gets out of the car, gives Twist a confused look and starts to walk away.
Twist: Rememmmmmmber, tomorrow, at the park bench!
Cyrcle in action. Rock it, Twist!
The next day Twist is sitting on the same bench waiting for the girl. He’s been there 3 hours and is starting to wonder if he’s been stood up…again. The previous 11 women he went on first dates with never showed up the next day to give him the diaper wearing teddy bear. Suddenly he sees her walking over the hill. It looks like, yes, she has a teddy bear in hand! Twist is ecstatic. He doesn’t notice her hair is blonde today after being brunette yesterday.
Twist: You came! You came!
Pretty girl: I have no choice, I don’t want to die.
Twist: You won’t regret it! Anyway, let’s tell the WORLD! This is SOOOOO exciting!
Pretty girl: Why? People will think you are strange and I may get murdered.
Twist: Who cares what they say?!? Let’s dance!!!
And so they lived happily ever after or something. And that, my friends, is the truth of it all.