FanPost

DBD 4/14/11: A Turnip Juice Story

Once upon a time, there was a young lady named Candy.  She was bubbly and energetic, but none too bright.  Naturally, she graduated with honors from stanfurd.  Having determined that money was important in order to obtain certain essentials such as shoes, clothing, and hair dryers, she determined that she would seek gainful employment.  The local career service center analyzed her skillset and referred her to the one profession where she would be ideally suited:  exotic dancing.

But on the day of her tryout, Candy was distraught to discover that she had forgotten her makeup.  "Alas!" she wailed, "Whatever shall I do?"  And then it dawned on her.  "I can use turnip juice like old women did before the time of Maybelline!"

So she walked down the street asking for turnip juice.  "Do you have turnip juice," she asked the kindly bum.  "Huh-wha?" said the kindly bum, and stumbled away.

"Do you have turnip juice," she asked the quivering meth addict.  "B-b-b-brains." said the quivering meth addict and ran away.

"Do you have turnip juice," she asked the dumpster hippie.  "Why, yes!  Here you go, dearie." said the dumpster hippie.

Candy was elated.  "I am saved," she said.  She quickly applied the turnip juice as makeup and went to her audition.  She danced like she had never danced before.  It was magical!  When she was finished, the owner said, "Your dancing is fantastic, but I'm afraid we can't hire you."

Candy couldn't believe it.  "Why not?"

"There's something just wrong about your face.  It looks like you have some sort of odd...disease.  Even dim lights and booze goggles can't help with that.  Good day now."

Poor Candy had made a simple, but common mistake.  Turnip juice is mostly clear with minimal brown pigmentation.  She needed beet juice for color.  Oh cruel Fate! 

Without any hope, any skills, any prospects, and honestly, lacking a fully functioning brain, Candy did the only thing that she could...

She applied to law school, was accepted, and was doomed to a miserable existence for the rest of her days.

The End

(*Disclaimer - This is totes Mr. F's fault for requesting a story about turnip juice.  It was going to fire up before our bball game against 'furd, but kept getting bumped by other vastly superior DBD's.  Until now, 'cuz today is always a good day to make fun of stanfurd!)

Okay, 'fess up CGB.  What's your favorite children's story, folktale, myth, or parable?  As Cal fans, we probably all have a soft spot for Sisyphus, but I also must confess a certain hankering for Paul Bunyan and his Blue ox.  Bonus points for cool stories behind the stories!  Show your work!!!

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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