There seem to be two types of Cal football teams. Good Cal generally shows up on gameday, but there seems to be a darker, maddening side that we haven't yet figured out. It's becoming a very tough
Here to shed some light is the face of Cal football, the Golden Bear.
Golden Bear: I'm the paragon for excellence. I believe in the ideal. I strive for maintaining high standards in all facets of life.
I think mistakes are natural as long as we learn from them. That if we simply do everything right, there is nothing to fear, and we will always come out on top in the game of life.
Unfortunately, sometimes this need to play flawless football can wear down on my team, and it demands that my darker alter-ego shows up on the field. Oh, dear, it seems he's coming now.
Zombie Bear: OH YEAH EASY FOR YOU TO TALK ABOUT VIRTUE MR. GOODY-TWO-PAWS. WE ALL GOTTA JUST LIVE LIKE MODERN-DAY PLATOS IN YOUR NEBULOUS WORLD OF MARBLE PILLARS AND HOT GREEK PHILOSOPHER-ON-MANSLAVE ACTION. WHO DO YOU THINK CAME UP WITH THE NAME "BEAR BACKER"?
SO YOUR FUNCTION IS TO BE THE GREAT GOLD HOPE. HERE'S MY FUNCTION. INFEST. PLAY LIKE A SAVAGE, BE A SAVAGE.
Golden Bear: How crude. I'm not sure if I share your ideals.
I believe in achieving the best football on the field, but not at the detriment of my followers losing sight of the important things--education, leadership, community service. We must provide a positive environment for constant long-term growth, a culture that builds something that extends beyond a football team.
Zombie Bear: OH THERE YOU GO AGAIN KLONDIKE BAR IT MUST BE NICE HANDING OUT YOUR VANILLA DOCTRINES BECAUSE VANILLA ONLY TASTES GOOD IN ROOT BEER THA. ONLY DUDES WHO STAY AT HOME AND WATCH REAL HOUSEWIVES BY THEMSELVES EAT VANILLA PLAIN AND I ASSUME YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE DRONES BUT I REGRESS.
YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE KEENAN ALLEN ZIG ZAG HIS WAY TO PASADENA, I WANT TO SEE HIM MARCH ALONG TELEGRAPH AVENUE CURING DRUG ADDICTS AND ISSUING PROCLAMATIONS OF THE NEXT GREAT SOCIETY. I'M SURE WHEN ALLEN STARTS A LAND WAR IN ASIA EVERYONE WILL BE SINGING HIS PRAISES TOO, BECAUSE HE MEANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING
AND SURE IT'S NOT LIKE ISI SOFELE NEEDS HIS OFFENSIVE LINE TO PLAY LIKE A GROUP OF BANES SCREW ALL THAT RUNNING THROUGH PROPER RUNNING LANES AND RUSHING FOR FORTY YARD TOUCHDOWNS WHEN YOU CAN SEE HIM RUMBLE AND STUMBLE HIS WAY FOR THE MOST EPIC TWO YARD GAIN EVER BECAUSE THE GUY MISSED ANOTHER BLOCK BECAUSE HE IS MY MINION IN MY KINGDOM.
Golden Bear: I don't believe this meets any ideal of any sort. This sounds like a promotion for stagnation. Are you sure you have a strong grasp on the ingredients for success?
Zombie Bear: OH YEAH LOOK DOWN ON ME LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF ABOMINATION. JUST PITY ME LIKE I'M A BROKEN VESSEL OF A TEDDY SEARCHING FOR CORPSE TO FILET MIGNON .
Golden Bear: This just doesn't seem proper.
To conclude, football is an exquisite combination of mechanics, motion and strategy. It is chess meets Go, randomness meets order, life's ultimate final exam of endurance and strength and ability. It is our duty as Bears to execute a sound and fundamental gameplan that showcases we can balance all these complex issues, transforming it into an artistic sporting work.
Zombie Bear: WELL EXCUSE ME MR "IF I DON'T STAND MAJESTICALLY AND KEEP MY LEGS SHOULDER WIDTH APART AND THROW A SPIRAL LIKE JOE ROTH THEN I'M AS USELESS AS A MIDGET AT A DUNK CONTEST". WHY HAVE I GOT TO THROW A FUCKING SLANT PATTERN TO PUT OUT A GREAT FOOTBALL GAME! WHY CAN'T I JUST LET IT FLY LIKE A PENGUIN IN ANTARCTIC WINTER. WHICH MEANS I DON'T MOVE AND GET FROZEN LIKE AN EGGO.
INSTEAD OF EXECUTING THE GAMEPLAN WHY DON'T YOU LET ME EXECUTE THE QUARTERBACK. IF I GET TO HIM CLOSE ENOUGH ALL IT TAKES IS ONE BITE. THEN HE'S DOWN FOR THE COUNT. HELL, I'M SURE ALLS Y'ALLS GOT A KICK OUT OF MY NEWEST CREATION. I GOT HIM WHILE NO ONE WAS WATCHING. THEN YOU GOT TO SEE HIM PLAY THE LONGEST FOUR FOOTBALL GAMES YOU EVER BARED WITNESS TO. NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE BEGGING FOR THE JOE AYOOB ERA DID YA???
JUST REMEMBER THIS. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER YOU SAW A REAL-LIFE ZOMBIE PLAY FOOTBALL. HE IS MY ULTIMATE CREATION. YOU WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT IS GLORIOUS AND MINDLESS AND INCREDIBLE. IT'S JUST NOT THE TYPE OF INCREDIBLE YOU EXPECT.
Golden Bear: I suppose it was remarkable in its own certain way. Perhaps you have a point.
Zombie Bear: PERHAPS YOU HAVEN'T LET ME FEAST ON YOUR FLESH.