"Clearly, Oscar was a math major at Cal!" via threemonthstime.files.wordpress.com
Like Sex And The City and Seinfeld before this, we've always strived at CGB to see the connections in the world. Whether it's UCLA reminding us of Kenny Bania or OSU as Miranda Hobbes, there are so many reminders of our Pac10 world in the media we consume. Goldblooded and I are big fans of The Office (British and American) and so we thought we should sit down and flesh that out a little bit. Hope you enjoy it. Leave your thoughts in the comments and GO BEARS!
Cal - Cal is most like Oscar. Now, before you start flagging me, hear me out.
Oscar is easily the smartest guy in the office. He's the rational one, keeping his wits about him when everyone else in the conference is deciding that it's a good idea to hide a blowgun in the toilet tank, or to grill their own foot in a convoluted attempt to wake up to the scent of bacon. Cal, like Oscar, is easily the most cerebral of the Pac 10 schools. "Wait!" You cry. "What about stanfurd?" People, stanfurd is not a difficult school, and you don't ACTUALLY need to try once you get in. And the admissions process is just posturing! The students at stanfurd are like Andy Bernard, who wears a sweater vest to look sharp, but is actually horrible at what he does! Besides, Cal students get more for less, a sign of frugality and excellent economic reasoning, just like we find in Cal students and athletes. And Oscar is an accountant! His frugality is off the charts!
Oscar is also very conservative in his demeanor, much like the conservative playcalling of Jeff Tedford. Beneath their stoic facades, both men harbor a wildly flamboyant personality, full of furious spanish insults, a wild hatred of posters of babies, and an affinity for calling the first-down first-play flea-flicker, just to shake things up! These two can get loose every once in a while, but most of the time they keep things straight-laced.
Stanford - Todd Packer.
"Is that Andrew Luck or is David Koechner slumming it?" via blog.rypple.com
Todd Packer? Who the hell is Todd Packer? I don't know a Todd Packer. Do you know a Todd Packer?
Oh wait, is he that one random dude who shows up every once in a LOOOOOOOONG while and annoys the ever loving milk out of every single person ever? Yes, that's him! Todd Packer! That guy! He's like the head extra boss. Or something. Nobody really knows why he's there, he shows up so rarely, and when he does, people want him to leave immediately.
Just like Stanford!
And Jim Harbaugh!
And the Stanford band.
And Condaleeza Rice.
So, yes, Todd Packer. Stanford. Like two peas in a pod.
USC - Clearly, the choice here is Dwight Schrute. And it's not just because Lane Kiffin has a wig for every Pac10 coach!
If there is one thing Dwight knows, it is personal gain. Whatever is solely in his best interest, he is all about it, but if it even ever so slightly inconveniences him and doesn't provide him personal gain, you might as well forget it. Like stealing leads from Staples to beat your own paper company's website! Or like putting the visiting fans seats at the Coliseum somewhere in southern San Diego!
If there's one thing you need to know about Lane Kiffin, it's that he is a family man. He hired his father to be defensive coordinator. He hired an Eastern European model to be his wife. And he hired his cousin, Mose Kiffin, to be the team's waterboy.
We all know that Mose is one of the more eccentric characters on The Office, and his performance on the USC sidelines is no different. He rarely bathes, is not aware of the magic powers of electricity, and is confused by the modern wonders of indoor plumbing. That said, Mose often cleans the well water that he pulls from the L.A. sewers by straining it through several layers of riced beets. This ever-so-delightful borscht concoction is then spoon-fed to the USC players, whom Mose has stated "Love it." There are questions abound surrounding Mose's hydro technician skills, yet Lane refuses to sacrifice his family for nothing but efficiency, health, and modernity.
There are a lot of rumors swirling about inappropriate benefits being provided to USC players. Certainly, USC denies this. But isn't it odd that Matt Barkley's parents have a brand new beet farm? Isn't that a little too coincidental?
Of course, Lane Kiffin isn't radically altering the USC landscape. It was exactly like this before. I mean, who could forget when Pete Carroll bought Heritage Hall and then supplied it solely with hand-unrolled-then-re-rolled half-ply toilet paper? So evil, that Carroll!
And you know that Lane Kiffin has killed at least one cat by putting it into a freezer, if not several more!
UCLA - Ryan Howard -
If there is one thing we know about Ryan Howard it is that he feels that he is much more important than the rest of the Office characters. He was made super big boss man early in his career. But has been unable to maintain anything close to that level of success since. Nonetheless, he yearns to return to those halcyon days and seems to believe it is his god given right to do so.
Yet despite his seeming arrogance, he is too lazy to ever pull it off. No matter how much he steals the ideas of others (Kelly Kapoor had the idea for WUPHF all along!), he can't execute enough of a plan to make it work. And now he works in a broom closet in the back of the office. Just like Rick Neuheisal!
Further, Ryan is so focused on being trendy. He always seems to be changing his hair style and clothes to try to match what he believes is in "in" at that moment. If he isn't trying to be a character on the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, then I don't know what trying to be a character on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is.
And I tried to be a character on the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! They chose Camille Grammar, instead. Hey, if all you have to do to be a character is divorce Kelsey Grammar, I'm 20 steps ahead of you!
You thought we had to use real human characters on the show? Well, you thought wrong. Staples is everything that is wrong with the paper business in America today. Instead of providing a warm-hearted atmosphere and personalized experience for its clientele, it just spreads out massive amounts of paper with a cold efficiency. They might not have that personalized experience, but they have one thing more than anybody else:
Uniform combinations that sear the eyes, like a slab of salmon sizzling on a skillet.
"Uncle Phil says, Looking good, just need wings on the shoulders!" via www.marketwire.com
With a financial advantage this impressive, it is difficult to stop them.
The only way to stop Staples is, of course, to slip and fall inside their store, and sue them for all they're worth. It doesn't even have to be a real injury! Get a lawyer good enough and even a fake slip and fall can stop them! Be careful, though. If Staples finds out you are faking these sort of things, they'll send their thugs after you. They'll try to steal that laptop out of your shopping cart, land a haymaker on you as you check out, or show you yet another one of their green on neon yellow on black uniform combos. The worst part? Staples can get away with these acts of villany.
Because of all their dubloons!
Oregon State - Toby -
When it comes to boring white people whose sole purpose appears to be annoying you, you'd best be thinking of the Oregon State Beavers. Quick! Say the first thing about Corvallis that pops into your head!
Yes, that's right, you didn't say anything. But Corvallis is a place where nothing happened, nothing continues to happen, and nothing will ever happen. Except for the Bears losing, of course. Triple le sigh.
Toby works in some back room that keeps him far, far away from all of the other office workers, which is just the way they like it. Being near Toby or his desk saps the will to live from any normal person, just like the back-country ennui brought on by any time spent in or near the Corvallis area. TOSUby is so boring that his wife spurned him for another man and left him alone to covet other conference-mates players, especially all of those hot, hot RBs from California. Toby will never get his hands on any kind of talent due to his horrible location, but he manages to make do by making other peoples' lives miserable by occasionally spoiling their BCS hopes. It's a vicious cycle of schadenfreude that will only be stopped when Mike Riley leaves and Toby is forced to commit suicide or return to the seminary.
Washington - Stanley -
U Dub has had heart trouble as of late, they've attempted to get back into the groove of things by starting an affair with a younger, more attractive (and succesful!) coach, and their success is mostly limited to in-state games. They even show flashes of their former brilliance once in a while! But for now, they'll just sit there doing their crosswords puzzles near the bottom of the conference. Moping around Seattle every day is bound to give one a dour outlook on life, just like Stanley's big droopy eyes, laconic remarks, and desire to end it all, every hour of every day.
Stanley and UW also look forward to the end of the work day (season) as soon as it begins. They get their hopes up: "We might go places this season!" "Maybe today will be Pretzel Day!" Then, inevitably, the unthinkable happens. They get upset by BYU or, it is in fact not Pretzel Day, and suddenly, the strong desire for the end of the current season returns.
Sure, every once in a while Stanley will nail a big sale, but his successes are marred by injury and all anyone can remember is having their overworked hearts broken by his performances.
WSU - Kevin.
Ok, you gotta admit, this one is pretty easy. Paul Wulff is fat and has a huge head. Just like Kevin. Paul Wulff also likes to play the game "How many M&Ms can I fit in my mouth?" Just like Kevin!
Wazzu is not an attractive place to try and lure a coach, or, "wife". The Cougs and Kevin share this difficulty in lassoing a mate; coupled with their shared foot odor, getting a coach to come to WSU or even hang out for a season is close to impossbile! And, like Kevin, WSU had to propose to four different coaches before finally getting one to say yes!
Actually, here's a little known fact. The football team that we see masquerading as the Washington State Cougars is actually not the Washington State Cougars. It's the Washington State Cougars II. Paul Wulff was the coach of the Washington State Cougars, but then got in a big fight with AD Bill Moos. So, he created Washington State Cougars II. Now, we don't hear so much about those original Washington State Cougars anymore, do we? Mentioning the original Washington State Cougars would be like inviting everyone over to your house for a night of video games, then busting out the Sega Genesis and playing Mortal Kombat! It's simply not done.
Arizona - Meredith.
Has there ever been a more accurate description of Arizona students past, Arizona students present, and Arizona students future? If there is a single Arizona student who hasn't been divorced twice, and doesn't have genital herpes, a drinking problem, or a pornography addiction that person should be given a US Medal Of Honor. That person should be elected for 20 consecutive terms as a US Representative, while also being a NASA astronaut. That person should be the Ryder Team Captain, US Curling Team Olympian, and, most importantly, our national representative at the Global Words With Friends tournament! That person is the, by far, the world's most impressive person for making it out of Arizona without debilitating problems and a knack for getting hit by cars.
Despite the difficulties caused by Meredith and Arizona's thirst. they both have a legit reason to attempt to drown themselves in sweet, sweet booze. Arizona, like Meredith, is an arid wasteland (of a person, in Meredith's case) wracked by scorching temperatures during the day and absolutely nothing to do at night! In order to stave off the ever-tempting desire to flee West to be eaten by piranha in Lake Havasu or to climb a saguaro and harness the awesome power of the cacti, Arizonans need to maintain a constant BAC of 0.25. "Near-lethal", you say? That is the tightrope that all U of A must walk!
ASU - Creed.
If there is one Pac10 coach who confuses us all with his Buddhist Koan-style comments and teeters perilously on the edge of homelessness, it is definitely Dennis Erickson.
In fact, Creed and Dennis Erickson are SO similar that it is nigh impossible to tell the two apart. Try to figure out who said the following statements:
1. I've been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader.
2. The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man.
3. Hey brah, I been meanin' to ask you... can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride ride the Bull, am I right? Later, skater.
4. I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's I made love to many, many women - often outdoors in the mud and the rain - and it's possible that a man slipped in. There'd be no way of knowing.
Ha! It's a trick question! Creed said all of those things. But admit it. You could see Dennis Erickson saying everything single one, right? Every. Single. One. Especially the one about Red Bull.