FanPost

DBD 1/20/11: We Believe in Katster!

 

We all know that putting together a resume and/or curriculum vitae is a pain.  Even worse is the tentative groveling/begging/other-we-won't-ask-cuz-we-don't-want-to-know that goes on when pursuing letters of rec.


So, what better way to inspire our strappy young intern than by sharing some of the letters of rec previously hidden away in the CGB archives?

"CALumbus Bear is one of those employees who will instantly raise the morale of everyone in the building.  Seriously.  One look at him and you instantly feel better about yourself.  Listen to him talk?  Feel much better about yourself.  See him slumped over his desk in a drunken stupor at 9am?  It's like a choir of angels is serenading you everywhere you go."


"We have determined that Ohio Bear is a robot sent from the future.  At first we were impressed and slightly concerned with his uncanny and inhuman ability to remember obscure details from events long since past.  But since we subsequently determined that this is due to a chip in his head, it's all good.  He claims that he's not actually here to destroy the world, but do you really want that on your conscience?  Hire him already."

"LeonPowe has spent extensive time abroad in communist China.  This means that he has been exposed to every chemical, carcinogen, and drug known and unknown to man and is essentially unkillable.  Paying less in sick leave is just like increasing profits in this economy.  He also is used to considerable abuse and oppressive working conditions.  Please feel free to put a Glo-Brite, walkie-talkie, and folding chair in the janitor's closet and call it his office.  Be aware that he might start crying.  As an added bonus, LeonPowe will go to any lengths to close a deal, even if it involves bushes, elevators, lobbies, and quasi-creepy stalking."

"If you ever needed an influx of energy in the office, Atoms is your man.  Adrenaline has been conclusively proven to be the best legal stimulant, after all.  If you think being able to lift a car in an emergency is usefull, just wait until you see how productive everyone becomes when a berserk rage brought on by having their grammar and/or spelling corrected for the umpteenth time sweeps through the office.  Atoms also shows the most upside potential of anyone we've met;  five minutes with a razor and he could be instantly transformed from what-is-that-scraggly-thing to mostly human."

"We're very sorry for having bothered you or inconvenienced you.  Although we only recently were asked to write a letter of recommendation for Mr. Yellow Fever, it has come to our attention that you already interviewed him three months ago."


"We all know what the biggest problem facing America today is:  old people.  That's right.  They're wily, cranky, and take up more than their fair share of resources.  Unfortunately, most people find themselves overwhelmed by silly things like compassion and scruples.  Look no further, TwistNHook is your man.  He'll cut a swathe through greybeards and crones like prune juice through a nursing home.  He also puts off more dander than an alley cat in heat.  With the rise of allergies today, this means that no rival negotiator can stay in a room with him for more than a minute or two without becoming highly uncomfortable."

 

And last, but not least:

Dear Sir or Madam,

We are writing this letter in support of Ms. Katster.  She has been our colleague at CGB for the past two years, and has worked as our intern for the past year.  We have been most impressed with her quick wit;  she frequently exhibits the mental agility and presence of mind to adapt to evolving or unforeseen circumstances.  A complete team player, she has been willing to deliver coffee to Siberia, Venice, and even Venus.  She is also quite versatile;  her coffee can be quickly modified to serve as mustard gas in the event of riots, or as a paint thinner to clean grafitti. 
Her academic accomplishments are equally noteworthy.  Besides earning two degrees from the best public university in the country, she maintained a sense of balance by spending time working with Rally Com and campus tours.  We greatly respect her dedication to family, and admire her determination.  We have no doubt that she is the ideal hire for your company and can recommend her without any reservations.

Signed, The Hit Squad

PS.   If you do not offer her a position immediately, we will reach through this monitor and punch you in the face.

Okay, CGB - share your job application and interview stories!  Or, write some letters of rec for each other. (sorry - would have tried to do more, but ran out of time)  You may or may not be tested on this later.

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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