FanPost

DBD 5.4.10 - It's Stalk-O'Clock!

For those of you scoring at home, LeonPowe informed us six days ago that once his crazy work scheduled calmed down he'd be able to devote all his resources to the Stalking Annie Project.

It's your time, LeonPowe.  I just want you to know - we're all counting on you.

Ah spring.  That magical time when hearts young and old turn to gettin' freaky finding love.  But wuv, twue wuv, is an ephemeral thing that does not come easy.  (unlike carp and the other fap-meisters of CGB)  When you see that special someone...that dulcet darling with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face...you simply must meet them.  Persistence is to praised.  Determination lauded.  But stalking is an art in and of itself;  there's a fine line between Twue Wuv(TW) and a Restraining Order.(RO)

For example, in "The Bodyguard," Whitney Houston's stalker breaks into her bedroom and leaves a sample of special sauce on her bed.  It is not certain whether this was bottled or...um...prepared on-site.  Because this did not take place in San Mateo, it was considered perverted and the stalker ended up in jail. 

But none of us are here at a DBD because we want real life examples.  So instead, let's look to the happiest place on Earth...No, it's not Sacramento, because we don't count the opinion of meth-heads as reliable data and all of the other surveys simply said, "eat more chikin."  Ohio was briefly considered thanks to a generous donation from the Motorized Bar Stool Riders League, but was disqualified after we received a letter from an unhappy administrative assistant.  Without going into the more sordid details, we can only summarize that there were complaints regarding her scotch-soused boss and that his colleague's "action(s)" have resulted in a permanent limp.  That, and it's friggin' Ohio for crying out loud.

No, we're talking about practice Disney, master of "Happily Ever After." 

Pocahontas

Disney says:  Suave older man woos exotic savage beauty and sweeps her away to a life of enlightenment.
We say:  Tired of jumping the "mates" after a loooong voyage, the gnarly-toothed and balding DC Trojan Jude Law wannabe goes after the first female with legs that crosses his path.  After gifting her tribe with mysteries they've never seen before, like smallpox, he takes her back to England.  Whereupon, he is ostracized for taking advantage of an 11-year old and dies, homeless and penniless, from syphilis.  TW or RO?  RO!

Sleeping Beauty

Disney says:  Prince endures travails then slays a dragon to wake his chosen love from her magical slumber with a kiss.  Love conquers all!

We say:  Risking everything to get with a girl described as the "hottest thing evair" sight unseen is a little like the medieval version of a mail-order bride.  Buyer beware takes on a whole new meaning when the Prince finds that years of sleep has given Princess "Aura" Aurora a case of morning breath that probably could have slain the dragon on its own.  Repulsed by her unholy halitosis, and frightened by her kinky obsession with spindles, he eventually runs away with Rolf the Stableboy.  With a name like Charming, don't tell me that you're surprised.  You know he has cardigans and pink shirts in his closet to go with his tights.  TW or RO?  RO!

The Little Mermaid

Disney says:  Beautiful mermaid seduces prince with her voice and gets him to marry her.  As she moves into the palace, cougars everywhere high-five.

We say:  The shoe is on the other foot with our first female applicant to the stalker hall of fame.  Unfortunately, the transition to the surface world doesn't go well.  Accustomed to her previous diet of kelp and seafood, her body gets supersized by the surface menu featuring fatty red meat at every meal.  In an attempt to keep her ballooning weight under control, she starts brushing her teeth with a bottle of jack and takes up smoking which has the unfortunate side-effect of ruining her voice.  When Prince starts nailing chambermaids, she snaps and gets locked in a tower where she spends the rest of her days crooning raspy lounge songs to her imaginary friend, Bobo the Sea Monkey.  TW or RO?  RO!

Cinderella

Disney says:  Prince finds his true love with a magic slipper.  Slipper available in our gift shop for 99.99.

We say:  Throw a big party to meet a girl?  Heeey, that shows promise.  But years of working with lye soap has roughened Cinderella's hands to point where she could sharpen swords with her bare hands.  (Not those swords, you sickos)  No wonder she was wearing gloves at the ball.  And, a chronic over-exposure to soot and ash has given her chimney sweep's lung.  After waking up with his skin nearly flayed off, and greeted by the ghastly sight of his new bride horking up a blackened phlegm ball the size of a small puppy, Prince F. Starkey (couldn't remember the prince's name, didn't want to re-read the fairy tale, so chose a name comPLETEly at random) starts looking into other options.  The step-mother turned mother-in-law suddenly seems more misunderstood than evil...TW or RO?  The guy doesn't exactly get the girl, but he gets a girl.  We'll allow it - TW!

Aladdin

Disney says:  Street-urchin uses a magic lamp to marry a princess and become sultan.

We say:  So the guy uses elaborate props, lies about his profession, pretends to be wealthy, all to impress a girl?  Sounds healthy to us!  Rishi Aladdin may not get to keep the lamp, but earns the hand of the princess as a consolation prize.  The marriage takes a turn for the awesome with one simple revelation.  "What?  I get a harem?"  GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL!!!
TW or RO?  TW!  We have our winner!

But screw Disney and their corporate overlordship anyway.  No one really finds those animated vixens all that hawt.  Fortunately, we have the collective failures wisdom of CGB to draw upon.

Let's look at some stalker diary entries from our members.  In honor of standardized test season, we'll allow our readers to match the entries with the posters.  As always, we assiduously followed the Carolyn Jones standard for journalism to ensure complete accuracy. (I know I missed some people and apologize.  Feel free to submit stalker entries for yourself or on behalf of another poster)

Oh crap!  What does this blue line mean?

I told her I'd show her my corn if she'd show me her tomatoes.  I think the half cask made that sound better than it did.

sup girl.  SUP girl.  sup GIRL.  SUP GIRL.  Yeaaaaaah, that's the fa-shizzle.

GodDAMNit Tosh.

Entry 43:  Pheromone research proving to be too expensive.  Ether or chloroform produce better results for less cost.  Added bonus, memory loss + less conversation = Win!

OMG!  OMG!  Pink shirt, cartier watch, grey suit, 290 lbs, dopey/sulky expression.  It's like he's Christian Russell.  I haven't been this stimulated since I was at the Maine Institute of Technology!  XOXOXO

C-batteries?  Who uses C-batteries anymore?  I hate batteries.  They suck!  You'd think a sex-bot, robotic companion would at least come with NiCads or an adapter.

Even though he goes to a crappy school, he does have some BAM appeal.  Plus, his dad's pretty high-ranked in the army - I keep hearing his friends refer to the guy as "The General."  This is exciting.  There's no way I could possibly regret this for the rest of my life.

So she won't give the time of day, eh?  Fine - I'm going to build a high-rise right there and be able to look into her window whenever I want.

She doesn't even know I'm around.  No one does.  It's like I'm always under the radar.  But, I'm cool with that.

Where am I?  Who the hell put this ring on my finger?  What happened to my pants? (Written in crayon on a napkin)

That date didn't go as planned.  But it's not Longshore's anyone's fault.  Sometimes the plan is sound and it's just execution.

We were hitting it off.  Had a nice discussion about the perils of invading Russia in the winter.  Then she asked me what I do.  Told her I study math and run a blog.  She laughed and left.  Damn.  I'm going to go fluff my pillow.

I don't no why she wouldn't talk with me.  I just offered an opinion on her book. I told her, "hay, I have a job which needs me to write and read good.  Why can't I way in on your literary palette?"

Damn.  She's hawt.  I think I may fill two bottles tonight...maybe three.

So I'm telling her how I used to be really good at Where in the World is Carmen San Diego.  Then I go to show her my map tattoo.  She screams and runs away.  Guess I should have pulled up, not down...

So unfair.  I'm just here to provide some happiness and get paid.  They get to live a fantasy.  And now they're shutting me down.  I guess I need to go pimp myself at another beach.

Note to self:  Girls don't like being told that your grandmother thinks they're too pretty to be smart.

She's playing it coy, always refilling coffee and making those copies.  But I know what she's doing.  Next time I give her a limp, it won't be an accident.

I told her "I start w/ a dry rub.  Then u will be beggin' 4 my meat."  She didn't go 4 it.  FML.

Bluidy hell.  I have to remember next time to turn out the lights before she sees my teeth.

When the moment is right, my *ss.  I read that these little blue pills are just a placebo.  If only I had stayed ignorant...that could have been two awesome minutes, maybe even three!
Oh crap!  What does this blue line mean?

Possible answers:  Rags, Missing Barry, DC, solarise, Ohio Bear, yellow fever, Yes We Cannon, atoms, Goldblooded, Cruzinbears, Avinash, Hydrotech, Twist, turkey, Cugel, Scootie, Royrules, since1997, sec119, carp, Rishi, CALumbus Bear, AndBears


So what crazy things have you done in the name of love?  Was it worth it?  Would you do it again?  What moves have you pulled, successful and otherwise?

Now you know, LeonPowe, and knowing is half the battle.  Good luck and have fun storming the castle!






The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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