FanPost

DBD 4/12/10: A Chemical Adventure

So, Mr. Anderson...(Boom!  Neo'd!)  It occurs to me that spending time within a legal DBD or with lawyers themselves is a lot like associating with a fungus.  There's a funny stench, a pervasive black mold which attempts to take over all facets of your life, and after all the itching/scaling/burning you're left wishing that you had more cream.

Cream made me think of Oreos which made me think of Twinkies which made me think of Rishi saying "stfu fatty."
And so we're back to the topic of cream.  Poultice.  Ointment.  Salve.  Part solid, part liquid - all chemical goodness.  And happy-happy chemicals lead us pay homage to another segment of the CGB Venn.  Hail to the megalomaniacal crazy scientists Chemist.

Denizens of Sacramento and Modesto, you can stop reading right here.  There will be no mention of crack nor meth, so you really don't have much to relate to.

Residents of Texas, perhaps you could get a kindergartner from say New Mexico to read this to you?  I'll try to use small words, but still have to use occasional nouns and verbs...and I didn't want to get crayon on my monitor.
(Just kidding, big guy.  Don't be mad - Happy thoughts.  Mother in law.  Brothels.  Mother in law working at a brothel.  Woo-sa.)

Disclaimer #1:  It's been over a decade since I took pharmacology, so some of the facts (I'm just pulling out of my *ss) may be a little rusty.  Please take with a grain of garam masala.  (Boom! Indian'd!  Boom! Chef'd!  Double Venn Points!)

Disclaimer #2:  Yes, I have a DEA license, but cannot prescribe schedule 2 narcotics (aka the good stuff).  Sorry, Avi - I cannot provide you with the Connect. (Boom!  Wire'd!)  Stay in school, knowing is half the battle, that's one to grow on, and sit ubu sit.  I'm sure Math will open wonderful doors in the days to come.  Just don't start making mail-bombs.(X marks the spot?)

Disclaimer #3:  Please do not take the following as actual medical advice.  If you're stupid enough to use a DBD post in lieu of your personal physician...well, I guess that means you fit in just fine 'round here and Twist is your King.  (Boom! Lawyer'd!)

And so our chemical adventure begins...

I recently had an un-fun discussion with a (overcompensated plumber) gastro-enterologist.  Helpful translation from doctor-speak is provided at no additional charge.  

MD:  Your lab findings are inconclusive.  (We have no idea what's wrong with you.)
However, I still have some concerns.  (You're screwed.)
At this point, the most reasonable course of action is to proceed with a double endoscope.(I'm below quota this month and want to play with the new toys)

Me:  You want to stick a tube where exactly?  (FML)
MD:  Down your throat and up your....well, PSoCYA. (I'm going to pretend you're a dead Pharoah)
Me:  Any other good news?  (FML x1000)
MD:  Well, you have to fast for 24 hours, take these 4 elephant-strength laxative tablets, and chug this gallon of cleansing powder. (Hahahahaha)

With my fragile mortality staring me straight in the (*ss) face, I did what any good Cal man would do...and decided to write a DBD. 

Foremost on my thoughts would be the wonderful chemicals that control pain.  Our chief players among the over the counter variety are aspirin (acetylsalicylic acid), tylenol (acetaminophen), and advil (ibuprofen).  Yes there are more, but some of you are falling asleep already.

Aspirin and advil are both NSAIDs(non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs).  They work by limiting the production of prostaglandins which are chemicals whose effect is to produce pain, fever and inflammation.  However, both have side effects.  In addition to suppressing the prostaglandin production (a COX-2 effect), they also suppress production of the chemicals which protect the lining of your stomach (COX-1) which is why you can get a severely upset stomach with excessive use.  Aspirin has the added bonus of reducing the ability of your blood to clot which is why it is sometimes prescribed in low doses to reduce the risk of stroke and heart attack.  Yes, there are next gen NSAIDS which only target COX-2 and not COX-1 so that there is less of an effect on the stomach.  But at least one of them got pulled because they might kill you.  1  FDA phail.

Tylenol is a little different.  Rather than addressing pain control downstream (near the site of injury/inflammation), it addresses the pain by reducing the signal at the source. (central nervous system)  Consequently, it does not have the same side effects of blood thinning and upset stomach.  However, tylenol is a bit like that crazy girl at work - when combined with alcohol it becomes toxic with a particular affinity for destroying your (life) liver.

Let's try some real life scenarios:

Royrules OD's on Mountain Dew, flies into a rage because he got pwned playing Lightsaber Wars on his Wii and punches his hand through the tv.  In pain, he grabs and downs half a bottle of aspirin before calling for the paramedics.  Although they try to stop the bleeding, they are unsuccessful because aspirin is an anti-coagulant.  They're forced to amputate his hand and turn him into some bizarre Borg-like creature...which he actually likes.  "Show me on the picture where the bad robot touched you?"

CalBears81 has a big case and the stress is getting to her.  Years of repressed angst from living in Cowtown has created a nasty ulcer.  To deal with the pain in her stomach, she downs a triple dose of Vitamin I. (Ibuprofen)  Unfortunately, the little NSAIDS strip the remaining lining of her stomach and it parts like the Red Sea.  (Boom! Moses'd!)  They move her to the best hospital in Sacramento, where a 96-year old granny applies leeches and starts burning cow dung incense.  This can only end well.

The (horror) joy of living in Ohio has finally gotten to CALumbus Bear and he's downing scotch like there's no tomorrow.  He overdid it on the corn and tomatoes and took a nasty fall from his motorized stool earlier in the day.  To ease his aches and pains, he grabs some extra-strength tylenol and goes to town.  We'll fast forward a bit...Tylenol + scotchy scotch = liver failure...transplant needed...and next thing you know, Ohio Bear wakes up in a bath tub full of ice with a note, "Sorry, dude."  Sads.  Maybe having a wonder twin isn't so peachy after all.

Fortunately for me, I'm going to have conscious sedation for the double scope.  With any luck, I'll go to sleep and the Bad Man with the Big Tube(s) will just be a bad dream.  My other experiences with non OTC drugs:

1)  Nitrous in dental school.  The oral surgeon in charge of my surgical rotation thought we should all try it.  No, you don't typically laugh like you see in the movies - it works like several stiff drinks to relax you and release inhibitions.  One girl decided that she was a potato farmer and that we were all potatoes.  Then she started shedding layers of clothing.  Unfortunately, the prof stopped the gas at that point.  When it was my turn, he got called away to an emergency and forgot about me. I just felt like I was flying and blacking out.  From a loooong way away I heard "Holy sh!!!  How long has he been hooked up?"  No big.  I'm fine.  I can't pronounce certain soundz, but perfict diction ith overwated anyway.

2)  Wisdom teeth.  Smelled pine.  Passed out.  Woke up.  Felt fine.  Competed in a bass tournament the next day.  Yes, that was dumb as hell.  But, we won the State Championship by 3 ounces...so what if I couldn't open my mouth for the next week.  Mrs. Kod appreciated that.  They probably used ketamines, a dissociative narcotic which is a bit like a rufie on 'roids.  You're technically awake, but not aware of what's going on.  Kind of like your freshman year.  (Boom!  Freshman More Wood'D!)

3)  The knee surgery.  Pretty trippy to have the surgeon make you sign the knee he's working on next to his initials.  I remember being really cold.  Then warm.  Then waking up pretty groggy.  And then, happy juice!  I'll tell you right now, Morphine feels really good.  It's an opioid narcotic;  derived from the poppy flower, it binds to receptors in the central nervous system to reduce the perception of pain whilst simultaneously providing euphoria.  It doesn't surprise me that Dorothy woke up in a poppy field and thought she was being attacked by flying monkeys.  Not in Kansas anymore, indeed - you now belong to Northern Iowa.  (Boom! Cinderella'd!) 


The downside of morphine and all opioids is that the effect wears off fast and requires more frequent and higher subsequent doses to get the same effect.  Opiods are also highly addictive because they will actually change your body at the cellular level to make you physically need more juice.  I remember sweet-talking the nurse, "Ma'am, you're suuuch a Nice Lady.  I really appreciate you taking care of me.  I'm just worried because I have such a loooong drive home.  We have to cross the bridge and I'm really afraid I won't make it to the pharmacy and my ice in time."  I must have been suitably (pathetic) convincing because she laughed and gave me another dose.  Who's smooth now, atoms?  

So, CGB, 'fess up.  What are your experiences with chemicals of all varieties?  We demand sordid, juicy details.  For the sake of conversation, we'll allow caffeine and alcohol as chemicals for this discussion.  See you on the other side...I hope.

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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