DBD 3.4.2010 CGB Investigative Reports

By all accounts it was a sad and strange event.  It's grown to be the stuff of myths and legends.  There's been rumor, innuendo and much speculation.  So after several requests, the CGB Investigative Reports team decided it was finally time to tell you the True CGB Story of what really happened... on Twist’s Wedding Night.

Twist could not be reached directly for comment so the CGB IR team has had to rely on public quotes and interviews with Twist’s closest friends, coworkers, acquaintances, humans who have interacted with Twist.  We filled in holes where we could not stomach delving further into this pit of despair.   After the jump is a reenactment of that fateful night...

It probably started out with the normal nervous anticipation.  The new Mr & Mrs N. Hook went to a classy hotel filled to the brim with excitement about what was finally going to happen that evening... this most auspicious Wedding Night.

Unfortunately the hotel room itself was not what they expected. According to a bystander (who calls himself BearStage to maintain his anonymity), apparently the hotel room

"[was] steamy and oniony" Just like Twist's wedding night!
by BearStage on Feb 12, 2010 11:14 AM PST on DBD 2.12.2010

Already things started to go wrong.  At this point we imagine Twist was likely starting to panic a bit. Thoughts started swirling through his mind. Here, we gain insight into his fragile psyche.

Similar to my wedding night, I have no idea what's going on here and I'm fairly scared.
by TwistNHook on Jan 27, 2010 1:06 PM PST on DBD 1.27.10

So the attorney that he is, Twist thinks that maybe he should just TALK his way through it. They engage in:

Five minutes of interesting animated conversation then two minutes of ABSOLUTE SILENCE Sounds like my wedding night!
by TwistNHook on Feb 10, 2010 12:00 PM PST on DBD 2.10.10

[Editors note: I'm narrating this and I just gotta say. Dude Twist... Awkward...]

Anyhoo back to the story. I would have given up. Any normal human being faced with such daunting circumstances and a woefully inadequate Baseline Attractiveness Minimum score would have thrown in the towel!! But to his credit Twist puts a smile on his face for his beautiful bride and bravely forges ahead. Maybe, Twist thinks, the best strategy is to just get it over with. Excitement in Twist builds and build...

I'll see where I can stick it in. .............JUST LIKE MY WEDDING NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by TwistNHook on Jan 29, 2010 8:07 AM PST on DBD 1.28.10

His thoughts spur him on. He thinks just like Fabio in every romance novel of the 1990s, he will ravish his princess and take his reward!!!

   Mousepad_shot_fabio via

But then....things take a turn for the Oregon. Twist throws off his plaid seer sucker double breasted blazer and rips his ruffled white silk shirt off his bronzed and ripped abs semi-toned torso? milky white moobs and hairy gut. He then proceeds to throw his new bride to the bed and....

 What happens next was censored to protect the innocent. But according to Twist:

Just imagine screaming, yelling, blood, sweat, tearing, defecating, exhaustion, long hours, crying, all rolled up into one. So, it'll be just like Mrs. TwistNHook's wedding night again.
by TwistNHook on May 4, 2009 10:04 PM PDT on DBD 5.4.09

Later on, we also realize that in the ensuing tussle:

[Twist] twisted the same ankle three times and broke a toe once. Sounds like my wedding night!
by TwistNHook on Mar 3, 2010 8:06 AM PST on DBD 3.3.10

Ouch! Atomsareenough sums it best when he says sadly that Twist just ended up:

embarrassing [him]self and ruining [his] clothes on [his] wedding night.
by atomsareenough on Feb 10, 2010 8:35 PM PST on DBD 2.10.10


Is it a misnomer to even call it a Wedding Night? Next time you see Twist, will you look at him with pity or will you throw your half empty beer, point and laugh at him as you would with any freak that passes you on the street? My friends, these are questions for you to ponder....



Other Discussion Topics:

  • Top 6 Things Not Said on Twist's Wedding Night
  • Top 6 Members of the 2010 Pac-10 Champion Cal Men's Basketball Starting Lineup with Greater BAM Scores than Twist
  • Top 6 Cleaning Products Mrs TnH Can Use to Wash Off the Stench of Shame and Horror


The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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