The "It" girl of the 80s!
If there's one thing I've learned in my day, everybody ever has watched Sex And The City. A lot of guys will be loathe to admit it. But if they were married, engaged, went out with, or even knew a woman, they watched a lot of the episodes. Especially if they have TBS on their TV. Or a TV.
So, when it came to writing a piece with since1997, comparing the Pac10 teams to various sources of entertainment, this was one of the first that jumped out at us. Sex And The City had a long run with many different characters. After the jump, we take a look at each Pac10 team and see which SATC character best represents that team. Many thanks for since1997 for helping with this post. She wrote large portions. Try to guess who wrote what!
And if you have any ideas for future posts comparing Pac10 teams to entertainment sources, don't hesitate to post it in the comments. GO BEARS!
1. Cal is the Pac-10 Carrie Bradshaw.
Carrie is probably the most 3-dimensional and "real" of all the characters. Carrie is oftentimes BOTH a triumph and a hot dirty mess—all in one episode. Like the time Carrie struts down the runway in her fabulous D&G bejeweled pantaloons…only to trip flat on her face. Because, of course, whenever Cal gets into the limelight, they always manage to fall flat on their face. To her credit, Carrie picks her ass up and high-fives all 6 feet 13 inches of Project Runway gorgeousness, Heidi Klum.
Like Carrie, Cal doesn’t fall into any extremes or have any really cartoony traits. Cal is neither a glitzy Hollywood-factory nor a crunchy brikenstock. Neither blonde-ily vacuous or cerebrally lame—really losers? a tree? Cal will take a U$C pounding on ESPN one week, then light up ASU for 15,678 yards of offense.
And like Carrie, Cal feels that the world revolves around her. And like Carrie, Cal is right!
2. Stanford – Trey MacDougal.
It’s minutes before Charlotte’s dream wedding but before she walks down the aisle to become Mrs.-Dr.-Charlotte-York-
Charlotte: I have to tell you something.
Carrie: Right now?
Charlotte: Yeah. Trey can't get it up.
Charlotte: Last night… TREY COULDN’T GET IT UP.
Flaccid, impotent, limp… need I say more? No wait, we’re making fun of the Furd. OF COURSE we can say more.
If Jim Harbaugh isn't impotent and self-aggrandizing, I can't judge male erectile dysfunction the way I used to. And believe me, I used to be a judge for the World Erectile Dysfunction Championships. ESPN2, here we come!
See, Stanford is what everybody thinks they want. Stanford is the upper east side WASP of schools. Everybody thinks they want it. But once you get there, you realize it's not all it is cracked up to be. Unless you love taking baths with your mother at the age of 45. Because, then you are pretty much Jim Harbaugh already.
3. UCLA is the Pac-10 Stanford Blatch.
Stanny is best described as Carrie’s gay little brother. He’s also boring and totally blah(tch). So yeah, UCLA: like Cal’s annoying baby sib. Baby Bear. Baby Blue. And you know how siblings are often fighting each other over toys, food, keys to the family mini-van??? Well Ucla-- STOP STEALING MY F’ING FIGHT SONG, BITCH.
Honestly, Stanford isn’t known for much in the series. He rarely gets moments to shine. His one true moment is when he finds out his boyfriend has a really creepy doll collection. And if there is one thing we know about Rick Neuheisal (one thing!), it is that he has the world’s most creepy doll collection. Like this one, which Neuheezy calls Ole Ironsides::
Or this one, which he calls Kristallnacht:
4. If the Pac-10 had a school that was arrogant, wealthy, entitled, and also a condescending motherfucker, that school would be Charlotte. Oh wait, we do! Lady and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the Charlotte to Cal’s Carrie… your University of $outhern California Trojans.
Charlotte is the bluest of all blue bloods. She is the upperest east side to ever upper east side. Even though she’s "friends" with all the other girls, she is really several social strata higher than them. She always looks down on them for flitting around as if they have lives anywhere as meaningful as she does, what with her important marriage and her art galleries.
But the reality is that all that glitters is not gold. Underneath that seemingly perfect exterior, Charlotte’s marriage is breaking up. There are major problems and she’s about to get punished. By marrying her sweaty, fat, bald divorce lawyer. I wouldn’t wish it on my third worst enemy.
Plus, she has that really weird relationship with Stanford/Trey, including this real Sex and the City dialogue:
Trey: What’s your deal?
Charlotte: What’s YOUR deal?
5. Oregon is Big.
When it comes to a team that would be pretty much nothing without its billions and billions of dollars, it means we’ve come to John "Big" Preston. Were it not for his Viagra-like wealth, Big would be some random old dude who couldn’t even finish a complete sentence. Oh yeah. Just like Chip Kelly. Nobody would much care about Captain Visor if it weren’t for the billions of dollars at his disposal.
Big is Carrie’s on-again off-again love interest who is responsible for much of Carrie’s emo moments. Then in the last episode, Big decides he actually loves Carrie and flies to Paris to tell her "she’s the one" and they live happily ever after. Of course, just when you thought that Carrie finally tamed the Big beast (see Cal wins: 2004, 2006-2008), Big turns around and 42-3s her at their perfect New York wedding. NOBODY saw that coming. NOBODY!
6. Oregon State: Miranda Hobbes.
Which one is Miranda again? Oh yeah the really annoying one that makes you think, hmm, how the hell did those girls decide they were gonna be friends with that thing? Nobody in the audience cares about her, she annoys the fuck out of you every time you see her, and yet she continues to be part of everything no matter how much you scream "FUCK YOU JAQCUIZZ RODGERS, WHY HAVEN'T YOU GRADUATED YET, HAVEN'T YOU BEEN HERE SINCE SOMETIME IN THE MID-80s?!?!?"
Yet, despite all that baggage, she’s a super successful attorney and manages to overcome the crippling condition known as "Moving To Brooklyn." She even manages to fit into her skinny jeans again. GOD, I HATE HER SO MUCH NOW!!!!
7. Washington - Aleksandr Petrovsky
So in the final season of SATC, Carrie meets talented, successful and dashing Aleksandr Petrovsky, this old sculptor guy who used to be really famous in the 1900s. And you actually think that when Carrie decides to move to Paris with Aleks that she may ACTUALLY end up with him, due to his swoon-worthy voulez-vouz-coucher-avec-moi’s and HUGE…light installations.
In typical SATC jingoism, Miranda tells Big to go to Paris to "bring our girl back" and of course Carrie chooses Big because she’s a dumb American and can’t speak French or wear 14-inch heels on Parisian cobblestones. And so goes the story of Washington’s Huskies. This season and last, they were POISED to crack the top tier of the Pac-10, riding Jake Locker’s arm and Steve Sarkisian’s stolen USC playbook. Buuuut……. no. Like Aleksandr Petrovsky, UW is still clinging to those vestiges of yesteryear when they were good. Oh ya, oh ya, you were the 1927 National Champion, we totally believe you. You’re still not gonna get the girl. So close, but, really, you’re still UDub.
8. Washington State –
Steve Brady is this womp womp bartender who marries Miranda, lives in Brooklyn, owns like one suit from 1976, and whose mother then gets Alzheimer’s and starts eating pizza out of trash cans. Oh my god so sads!!! We wish none of these horrors on you Cougars (especially that Brooklyn part) so yeah we’ll make you Bitsy Von Muffling, the old decrepit cougar who had to do acupuncture to get pregnant because she’s like 4,000 years old.
I guess the real bottom line is, it doesn’t matter who is WSU. Because nobody cares. Lets make WSU some random bit character nobody’s heard of. Rollerskater #2 on episode 85.
9. Arizona State.
So on our last visit to ASU, the things we noticed while on campus: HOT blonde cheerleaders. (schwing!) Hot student bodies (amirite?). Big boobs. Wild parties. Girls gone wild. (HIGH-FIVE BRUH!!) Sundevils. Yay! Alcohol! (FUN!!) Random hookups!!! (Oh so much win!!)
But……. then we also saw: A bevy of hot and pregnant 18 y/o girls. Planned Parenthood centers on every street corner like a condom-dispensing Starbucks. And of course, our personal favorite… the random frat party we went to where a dude got slapped by DoubleD’s because apparently, as she so eloquently put it, "you gave me crabs when we hit it after last week’s forma!!"
So, basically, Samantha Jones, the sexy vamp of SATC, is ASU insomuch as she has the exact same amount of STIs as the ASU student body. Did you expect anybody else? And Sammy Jones is approximately 400 years old, just like Denny E!
10. Arizona –
Mike Stoops is the bi-polar screaming banshee of the conference. You know how Tedford sometimes gets mad and then will throw his playbook/board/poster thing down onto the turf? Well that’s Mike Stoops, except he’s like that like ALL THE TIME apparently. Remember Lexi Featherson, the "It" girl of the 80s (nobody tell Samantha I said that). She seems so normal sometimes and then just goes crazy at parties, screaming out "I’M SO BORED, I COULD DIE" right before she falls out of the window of a NYC skyscraper.
And let’s be honest here, if there’s one Pac10 coach who is most likely to have cocained his way through the 80s before falling to his death in the middle of an irate rage, it’s Mike Stoops. So, people, if you see Mike Stoops, keep him away from all open windows!
Oh yeah, I forgot to write. SPOILER ALERT.