Well, we did this with Sex And The City and thought, "If that van's a rockin' let's keep a knockin!" And so, Spazzy McGee and I decided to hunker down in our underground Seinfeld bunker (aka TBS Headquarters) and see what we could come up with. What follows is the definitive (and I mean definitive!) list of Pac10-Seinfeld relationships. Leave your thoughts in the comments and GO BEARS!
1. California Golden Bears - Jerry
Of course, Cal is going to be Jerry. Did you expect anything else? Jerry is the center of the universe. His witticisms power the entirety of the show and the entire reality of Seinfeld is based almost exclusively on Jerry.
Just like Cal! Cal students are the kind who of people who would repeatedly turn down the Bloomingdale's Executive Manager Program to try to make their own way in the world. They are not some carbon copy suit ready to dole out the same tired and trite tripe or platitudes. They are driving cars into lawns after attempting to poison Mr. Pitt. They are renting houses in Tuscany, Italy out of pure spite. Pure, delightful spite!
And none of them wanna be a pirate! Who would?
So, put aside your man crush on Keith Hernandez for a moment here and read on about the rest of the Pac10.
2. Stanford Cardinal - Jackie Chiles
Hmmmm, explosively ostentatious? Vacuously verbal? Yep, Jackie Chiles! I mean Jim Harbaugh. Or did I mean Jackie Chiles all along??? I got them confused there for a second. Don't deny it! You know it's true. Who could forget his classic post-game discussion after the 2009 Big Game with Andrew Luck;
Harbaugh: You threw a ball to Mohamed? Who told you to throw a ball to Mohamed? I didn't tell you to throw a ball to Mohamed! Why'd you throw a ball to Mohamed? You haven't even been to see the Gerhart. If your gonna screw up the end of the Big Game, let a Gerhart do it.
Luck: I guess I screwed up huh Jimmie?
Harbaugh: Your damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that play call anyway?
Luck: The Maestro.
Harbaugh: The who? What are you talking about Maestro?
Luck: My offensive coordinator, he's a conductor.
Harbaugh: Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to threw a ball to Mohamed and you do it?
Luck: Well my stomach was burning.
Harbaugh: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.
Luck: Well I didn't know Mohamed was gonna catch the ball.
Harbaugh: Do you know what Mike Mohamed is? Have you ever seen Mike Mohamed play? Didn't you read the instructions?
Luck: Well I ...
Harbaugh: (interrupts) No one can tell what a Mohamed gonna do. He's unpredictable.
Luck: I'm sorry Jimmie.
For Big Game 2009 was the most public of all his humiliations.
3. UCLA Bruins - Kenny Bania
The song is Big C.
The musicians play Big C.
They should just call it Big C.
Kenny Bania is the knock off clone of Jerry Seinfeld who is an embarrassment in almost every conceivable sense. His life is bad, his mentor, HIS MENTOR!, is George Constanza. That's the equivalent of having Karl Dorrell as your head coach.
Yet, somehow, inexplicably he manages to succeed, getting the interest of TV executives. He managed to succeed despite himself. Whether it's that risk management material that's gold, Jerry, gold or the potential TV show despite a opener with hackneyed suspenders and a variety of cancer-related jokes that just don't work, it's perplexing that UCLA manages to succeed.
I bet it's having that Karl Dorrell as a coach.
4. USC Trojans - Newman
I've looked into USC's eyes. It's pure evil. You might think there's more to meets the eye here. But, really, there's less. There's always less. There's perhaps no grand scheme for world domination, just the simply impulses of evil. Pure. Evil.
The thing that is interesting about USC is how everything must be perfect for them. They will not accept anything less than what's fit for a king. They aren't big on creeds like neither rain nor sleet nor snow. Play a game in the rain and they lose to Notre Dame. Notre Dame!
Of course, the enmity between USC and Cal stems from USC's jealousy that Cal is a famous and successful comedian. Really, who wouldn't be jealous of that!
Who could forget the time that USC tried that insane scheme, that crazy plan that nobody thought it could be done. The numbers had been crunched every which way. People said, don't even try it, just drop it. They said it could never happen. They said Lane Kiffin could never spend two consecutive years coaching the same team. Could USC pull it off?
On the upside, if there is any person you need to assassinate a dog, Lane Kiffin is your man!
In conclusion, JAMBALAYA!
5. Arizona St. Sun Devils - Frank Costanza
ASU has a short fuse. When other teams in the conference get the better of them, ASU always loses their temper and commits too many personal fouls. And let's not forget the stubborn, aging leadership. ASU's always picking fights at the Pac 10 conference meetings, usually involving back support for men. (Stoops still says Manziere!). It's always the time for the airing of grievances!
This quick temper is why ASU has such a rocky relationship with Arizona -- now that they're better, they've stolen all the TV coverage! They stole ASU's TV guide!! They are not welcome in ASU's house! But ASU hasn't been too lucky with bowls either. Sometimes they think they might get there after being separated for so long, but then they HOoh--Stop short! and end up back with the crappier bowl. Plus, with all the hot weather and sweaty shoes, lets just say most of the team has, aaaa bit of a foot odor problem. But this isn't the only problem with the program. Steven Threet has complained about weird playcalls involving a hen, a rooster, and a chicken, but something's always missing.
Just like ASU's teams that get close to the top of the conference, they never seem to seal the deal: something's missin alright.
In conclusion, SERENITY NOW!
6. Arizona Wildcats - Estelle Costanza
7. Oregon St. Beavers - Kramer
Here's the thing about Kramer. Nobody understands him. Nobody knows how he ticks. He has a massive Manhattan apartment with levels right next to one of the most alluring Manhattan locales, a Kenny Rogers roasters! Yet, he has no discernible income and has been on strike for the better part of the last 10 years!
Similarly, OSU manages to succeed despite overcoming the fact that they all live in Corvallis. Corvallis! That's the geographic equivalent of installing a Clarkman disposal in your shower to cook dinner. That's the geographic equivalent of setting your hair on fire and looking like the leather of a catcher's mitt. Nobody gets it. Nobody knows it. And we're reasonably certain that Coach Mike Riley can run from here to Newman's apartment under 30 seconds.
Is that good? Nobody knows!
Nobody knows how OSU keeps doing this??? Riley must have the kavorka!
8. Oregon Ducks - Peterman?
And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of our search. The Long Tom River market, fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Masoli laptop. Sizes S, M, and L. Price? Free!
Because if there's one Pac10 school that would purchase a 40 year old cake for no real purpose, it's definitely Oregon. Just put it on Phil's card. If there is one Pac10 school that has an unending supply of Mandarin collar shirts, it's definitely Oregon. There's no way Chip Kelly's neck can handle a regular, American collar! Just put it on Uncie Phil's card.
Plus, when it comes to white poet warlords in our Pac10 neighborhood, you know there is only one: Mr. Chip Kelly himself.
9. Washington Huskies - Morty Seinfeld
Long retired and removed from his glory days, Morty Seinfeld relaxes in retirement in Florida, still proud as ever of his previous glory. Just like Washington: even though they haven't been to a bowl in years, their days as Pac 10 champs went straight to their heads. They hang up the phone by saying "Number one, signing off!"
Plus it rains so much in Seattle they ended up selling raincoats for 40 years, with Harry Fleming. Morty once even invented a new kind of beltless trenchcoat that's coming back in vogue, like Washington's idea for a new trackless stadium. Recently, UW tried to retake the Pac 10, but their coach had gambling and bribery problems. It's almost as bad as if they were running for Condo Board President of Del Boca Vista and handed out cheap stolen Wizard organizers. Boy did that ever fail. Everyone ended up voting for the crappier candidate and look where it got them.
With Ty Willingham as coach!
10. Washington St. Cougars - George
George is a loser. He's always been a loser. He always will be a loser. His dream is to eat a whole block of cheese. And even when he finally has some success, like, say, going to the Rose Bowl in 2001, he decides to suck for the next decade or so by calling the Summer Of Wulff!
It's the Summer Of Wulff!
I mean just listen to what Wulff said to Bill Moos, AD for the WSU Cougars.
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past nine years, you have caused myself, and the city of Pullman, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Cougars and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.