First off, where the hell is everybody?  The week after we lose (again) to U$C (sucks) everyone suddenly has all sorts of "work" they should be doing?  "Oh yes, we're all very busy.  These TPS reports won't file themselves.  The paperwork I have been procrastinating all fall must be completed now."  Do you really expect me to believe that?  I think you all might be avoiding Cal football.  What, a 34 point loss got you down?  BOO-FUCKING-HOO.  Kids these days don't have any balls. 

The first sign of adversity:  the first fumble on the goalline, the first own-goal touchdown, the first ill-advised run toward the endzone, the first seven pick-sixes...everyone is ready to throw in the towel.  "We might as well give up, play the back-up quarterback, and watch DVRed episodes of Gossip Girl."  Well, get used to the suffering, jackasses.  We're fans of Cal football, not some namby-pamby program like U$C that always gets purchases what it wants.  In fact, with the forecast of rain in Berkeley on Saturday, I expect attendance at the game to be abysmal.  There have already been two emails to the Cal Band Alumni listserve advertising "surplus" tickets.  Oh, I'm sure, something JUST came up that keeps you from going to the game.  I'll be there in my raingear cheering.  Will you?

Oh, as for the shorts thing...it's really for everyones protection.  If I wore shorts, I would look like Christopher Mintz-Plasse on a pair of white stilts.  The last time I wore shorts outdoors it turned into a scene reminiscent of the ark-opening scene in the Raiders of the Lost Ark.  Except instead of Nazis' faces melting, Oakland hipsters were shrieking clawing at their eyes.  So it's a lot like Twist and his low-cut tops, except I have the decency to cover up.  I don't think Twist's Jew-sweater has killed anyone, but it's only a matter of time.