I kept asking myself that. Am I really this dumb? As I grabbed my keys. As I turned on my car. As I hurriedly scoured the menu to make my selection.
And when I walked up to the woman behind the counter, requesting the 4 piece meal, I knew then and there, that I was nowhere near as smart as I like to believe. I know how you guys view me on this board. That Twist is so smart, you say. He's so intelligent, you breathlessly utter after reading one of my Tweedledamn-esque masterpieces. He really shows off a smart intelligence with those smartly intelligent comments he always makes about, yknow.....stuff. Like every work ever written by Thomas Acquinas. Except for when he wrote the screenplay for "Confessions Of A Shopaholic 2: Return Of The King."
But the truth is, ultimately, yes, yes, I am that stupid.
Perhaps I should back up, gentle reader. It was sunday morning when this all went down. The evening before had been the aftermath of the Cal-EWU game. Afterwards, I had headed to the Band Alumni Reception for, what else, FREE FOOD. I am 2 things in this world:
1. A lawyer
So, when it comes to getting free stuff, I'm like an idiot savant. I'm like the rain man of mooching. Ask my friends. Hell, back in law school I used to wait in the hallway outside the class rooms to see which student groups would have free food. Then, I'd just walk in, grab a slice of pizza or four and walk out the back. Sure, I always wondered what happened during the rest of the Asian Law Students Association meeting, but I just wanted to each my slices in peace.
I have a nose that can smell free food at least 4 parsecs away. So, when I heard that there would be free food at the Alumni Band Reception afterwards, I swallowed the bile, forced on a smile, pretended to care about the high step and headed over to the Alumni House. I had thoughts of delightful lasagna. Steaming meats (I often think of steaming meats). Salads. Filling meals.
Instead, they just had brownies. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of brownies. And, even if it wasn't exactly what I anticipated, I was more than happy to oblige. I'm a child of 2 hippies. Deep, dirty hippies. When I was growing up, chocolate was NOT cheap and plentiful. It would be so funny if it wasn't so horrifically tragic(k). No, we were a carob family. Carob this. Carob that. GOD, CAROB ANGERS ME SO MUCH! I HATE CAROB SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!
I think my parents must have invested in the Tigermilk company the way they were force-feeding me those over anything remotely tasty. So, of course, as soon as I reached the age of majority, I was all over chocolate. I have a sweet tooth of unrivaled proportions.
"Twist In Heaven" via mono.whatevz.net
Of course, when you scarf down a shitload of brownies at like 630 or so, it tends to ruin your appetite for dinner. Finally, my parents were right about something! So, I didnt really eat anything substantive saturday night. And considering my only other meal was from the afternoon tailgate, saturday wasn't a shining moment for the TwistNHook Finishing School For Ladies And Healthy Eaters.
Flash forward to sunday morning. I haven't eaten anything yet that morning. So, it's been like well over 12 hours since I last had a meal. I'm absolutely starving. Watching the Ohio-oriented suckfests in the NFL that morning, when, out of the blue, a commercial for Kentucky Fried Chicken comes on. I can barely understand what they are saying, the giant novelty sized chicken pieces dancing on the screen have captivated my attention. My heart beats with a syncopation that screams only "chicken. chicken." All of my worldly worries have melted away in the all-encompassing obsession that is Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I've always tried to resist advertising. To succumb to the inane jingles and scantily clad women seemed to be so........plebeian. But right then, right there, I knew no matter what, no matter how, I needed KFC in me and I needed it in me now (yes, I'm well aware that a That's What She Said joke would work there, but, unlike the Maharg, I'm not an imbecile).
This is not something I'm necessarily proud of. This isn't something that makes me happy to admit. It's not a Twist N. Hook that I love. But it's something that I have to admit. No matter how much I try to deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, when I was chowing down that side of cornbread, it was perhaps the greatest moment of my life. After, of course, watching this youtube video.
HIT IT LIP-SYNCING, PIANO-PLAYING GORILLA:
Clearly, all signs point to "I am that stupid." Clearly.
This Week in Cal Women's Soccer
The No. 7 California women's soccer will play just one game this week, taking on Saint Mary's on Friday, Sept. 18, in Moraga at 4 p.m. Cal owns a 14-8-3 series advantage over the Gaels and has won the past four meetings. The Golden Bears are ranked in the top-10 in all four national polls.
Last Week in Cal Women's Soccer
Cal added two more victories to its win column over the weekend in the Saint Mary's Fall Soccer Classic with a 1-0 blanking of Portland State in Berkeley and then routing SMU, 4-2, on Sunday. The Bears outshot PSU, 27-1 en route to the 1-0 win with sophomore midfielder Katrin Omarsdottir scoring the lone goal. Cal kicked off its 4-2 victory over SMU on Sunday afternoon scoring 2:22 into the match before tacking on three more goals to overpower the Mustangs. Cal had four players named to the all-tournament team: Megan Jesolva, Alex Morgan, Katie Oakes and Omarsdottir.
Q&A With the Golden Bears
All season, CalBears.com will be running a Q&A with one of the women's soccer student-athletes, and this week's participant is sophomore midfielder Zulma Munoz. Munoz joined the California women's soccer team this year after playing her freshman season on the Cal club team. A native of Berkeley, Munoz did not have to go very far to find her dream school in Cal. Munoz, who is the first person in her family to go to college, is a well-rounded student-athlete who also gives back to her community. CalBears.com sat down with Munoz to find out more about the newcomer.