Are you like me? Are you just outraged endlessly by the odious machinations of your grandparents? If you are anything like me, you've screamed some of the following lines too many times to count:
"No, I don't want any more of the hard candy. Stop feeding me Werther's Original. Take that RIESEN away from me now! LET ME EAT MY DOUBLE BACON CHEESE-BURGER IN PEACE, WOMAN!"
"I get it, pops. You fought the Japanese. You won. You liberated millions from evil. Greatest generation, I know, I know. You want a medal or something.....besides the 3 you already have? Look, I'm on All-Madden here, so your stories about the long lost lover Akiko Kobashi are going to have to wait until halftime."
And, of course, the increasingly more popular:
"No, President Obama is not a secret Muslim. No, President Obama is not a radical Christian. No, President Obama is not a Kenyan citizen. No, President Obama is not a racist. No, President Obama is not a Facist Socialist. Or even a Socialist Facist. Or even a Socialfacist. And again, no he's not an alien from the Planet Hussein sent here to assassinate the Pope."
But worry no longer, because we've something to take care of that nasty "annoying grandparent" problem.
Yes, that's right, Obama Death Panels (not to be confused with UCLA QB Kevin Craft's newest musical adventure of the same name) are on their way! Ready to rid you of those never-ending epson salt baths and all that time you have to spend in the retirement homes. Oy, with the wanting to see their grandchildren. You'll never have to endure another story about how their only got 5 cents to split with their 8 siblings when they went to the ice cream store and you get like 20 bucks and that only gets you half a comic book these days.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL!
Buy now and you can get an additional set of Obama Death Panels for decorational purposes! Obama Death Panels are also a great way to decorate your house. Exposed brick is so 1980s. And the 80s are so last year. The Interior Designer In Chief recommends Death Paneling. It can make ANY room pop! You can trust me, I saw it all on HGTV's Design Star.
"Obama Death Paneling really bring a rustic charm to this Lake Tahoe cabin" via www.buffalo-lumber.com
PLUS! Call in the next 20 minutes and you will receive an entire set of Obama Death Tile for that bathroom floor. Concerned about old, cracking tile in your bathroom? WORRY NO LONGER! You can expect Obama Death Tiles NEVER to change. Ever! They'll stay in the same high top quality forever.
How much does this cost? Merely the very America you grew up in! Make 3 easy payments of your childhood, your adolescence, and your future as a free-thinking American and you'll have the 2 sets of the Obama Death Panels and the FREE grout-free Obama Death Tiles within 4 to 6 weeks. This is an offer you CANNOT pass up!
Due to construction of the Student-Athlete High Performance Center adjacent to Memorial Stadium, the University of California Athletic Department has instituted several changes to assist fans with access in and around the facility during football games this fall.
Excavation for the SAHPC, a 142,000-square-foot building that will house offices, locker rooms and other training facilities for 13 intercollegiate sports at Cal, was completed in early August. As a result, several of the gates used by patrons, especially on the west side, have been moved and expanded, while others have been eliminated. In addition, two engineered elevated walkways have been built to help fans enter and exit Memorial Stadium above the construction site.
Because of these modifications, fans are encouraged to arrive early to ensure they are able to be seated prior to the start of games. Gates will open two hours before kickoff.
A three-color diagram of Memorial Stadium has been created to make it easier for fans to find their correct gate. Patrons are requested to enter and exit through the gates that correspond with their section color.