FanPost

DBD 5.6.09 Say Your Vitamins and Eat Your Prayers

 

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"Suburban Commando was a terrible movie!" via www.htzfm.com

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside, ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide, Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride, I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide, I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

I feel strong about right and wrong, And I don't take trouble for very long, I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free, I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Well you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride, I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide, I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life! I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

 

Notwithstanding my love of professional wrestling, that is not a song I often heard growing up.  I mean c'mon, I'm not from Sarah Palin's real America.  I was born in the Democratic Republic of Berkeley.  My parents are the hippiest hippies to ever hippie (so many stories I can't even tell here).  I'm 2 parts Cindy Sheehan and 3 parts Markos Moulaghoagih.

But I've always wanted to be a real American.  I've always wanted to say my vitamins and eat my prayers (I've heard they taste like cotton candy mixed with unicorn).  Enter:  Mrs. TwistNHook.  She's from South Carolina.  South Cack! 

That's gotta be real America.  The realest America.  An America SO real they don't care about educating their students or helping their unemployed.  Now THATS some hot America right there.

Everytime I go there, I always try to just drink in the America.  Whether its the strip clubs RIGHT NEXT to the churchs (no joke).  Or the gas stations that sell fried chicken 24/7 (NO FUCKING JOKE).

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"You haven't lived until you've scarfed down a 6 piece spicy chicken meal at 6 AM on January 1st, you havent FUCKING LIVED until that."  via astroluxe.com

 

But I guess it doesnt matter how many times Ive been eating chicken sandwiches and filling up my car tank in the middle of the night on January 1st.  Although, to be fair, it has been a lot. 

Because I dont know if theres anything that can inject enough AMERICA into to me to overcome my roots.  Well, if Dodge's Fried Chicken isn't enough, I know there is at least one moment in my life that might be enough to stop my Pelosification. 

It was December 24.  I was getting ready to celebrate XMas.  I hadnt really practiced that particular holiday growing up.  Im MOT.  A Heeb.  Christian holidays are all about celebrating somebodys birth or death or something.  Jewish holidays are about getting a great deal on oil.  "We bought 1 days worth and it lasted 8 days!  Unbelievable!"  (Credit:  Jon Stewart)  My dad would bring us out, wed light a candle, say something resembling baruch anoidoi melasomething or other and then Id return to Final Fantasy III.  I think we were supposed to do that more than one night, but we were lazy.  So very lazy.

As it were, I was a bit new to this foreign concept.  I remember the first year I had XMas with my (at that time future) in-laws.  I bought XMas cards and affixed them to all the gifts I bought.  Apparently, you dont buy individual cards for each present.  My father in law spent most of that day mocking me for that XMas faux paux. Toads awk.

So, I was ready the next year.  I had it all good to go.  But apparently my efficient focus was not shared by my brother in law.  It was 12.24 and he hadnt finished his shopping.  And it was about 5:45.  In the PM. 

Now, theres generally one main place to go in South Cack to get stuff.  Wal-Mart.  Need clothes?  Wal-Mart.  Camping supplies?  Wal-Mart.  Medical Care?  Wal-Mart. 

Im not even sure if theres a Wally World in the Yay.  I hadnt encountered it until I got to South Cack.  Its a magic(k)al place where you can get both diamond rings, auto parts, and "organic" produce all for less than 30 bucks total.  And on XMas Eve, its about the only place thats open.  But, apparently, even Wal-Mart's capitalism bows to its Christianity. 

Because when we got to Wal-Mart (at about 550 or so) we were told that we had 10 minutes and it closed at 6.  So, we started sprinting FLAT OUT SPRINTING through this South Carolinan Wal-Mart on XMas Eve surrounded by all these really fat people in NASCAR clothes or Pittsburg Steelers jerseys (the Steelers are popular everywhere, no idea why).  I'm bouncing off of people my hands full of shit, trying not to drop anything anywhere.  Those clerks might have judged me, but hey it wasn't me who screwed up their shopping.  And I'm the XMas rook, my brother in law had like 2 decades of experience by that point!

Such was the moment when I was showered with Americana.  When I was able to put my crazzzy hippe dirty Jew life behind me and accept the crass Christianity comercialism that is Real America.  At some point when I was sprinting back and forth down the gun aisles to see if my brother in law wanted any more ammo to give to his father, I knew that I was only 1 bad platinum blonde dye job away from being a Real American.

SING IT WITH ME, PEOPLE:

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside, ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide, Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride, I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide, I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

I feel strong about right and wrong, And I don't take trouble for very long, I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free, I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Well you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride, I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide, I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life! I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

 

 

Baseball beats UC Davis:

BERKELEY, CALIF. - The California baseball team rebounded from a 3-0 deficit to defeat UC Davis, 6-5, Tuesday at Evans Diamond. The Golden Bears had trailed 3-1 before scoring four runs in the bottom of the sixth inning, highlighted by a lead-off home run by junior second baseman Jeff Kobernus and doubles by Blake Smith, Danny Oh and Dwight Tanaka. Cal improved to 20-26 overall, while the Aggies dropped to 7-36.

The winning pitcher for Cal was freshman right-hander Logan Scott, who picked up his first collegiate victory in relief, entering the game in the third inning and throwing 4.0 innings with four hits, two earned runs, no walks and three strikeouts. Freshman right-hander Dixon Anderson pitched the ninth inning (one hit, one strikeout) to earn his second save of the season. The losing pitcher for UC Davis was starter Tom Briner (0-5), who threw 5.1 innings with seven hits, four runs, two walks and one strikeout.

The Aggies had grabbed the early lead when first baseman Ty Kelly hit a three-run homer to left field off of Scott in the top of the third inning. The Bears were able to come back with a run in the bottom of the third off of Briner when sophomore first baseman Mark Canha hit a two-out single to score junior center fielder Brett Jackson, who hit a double to the right center field gap.

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The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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