I think there are people here who think I don't feel. That I don't hurt. That just because I lack the requisite insecurities to avoid becoming a comedic pinata, that somehow I'm not a human being.
Well, that's just whack. Like crack. Because I can hurt. I can feel pain. And recently, there was something that hurt me.
See, we donate as much of our meager earnings here to the Cal Marching Band as we can. We have to take some out for taxes and business expenses (hooker and cocaine ain't cheap), but the rest we donate. Every penny we can get to them, we try. We know they are hurting and all those hookers and cocaine we send can only do so much! And in the past when we've donated money in honor of somebody, we got a sweet letter. To wit:
Starting tomorrow, all the Tournaments begin, Pac10 or otherwise. It becomes crunch time! Which is why, TedfordIsGod, we have a LOT of Screen Pass-related posts coming.
But before we get to all those in depth discussions of the screen pass, we thought we might have a little fun. So, we had our post on the CDT. And now, this bad boy on some rather random hilarity that fell into our lap the other day. Another thing that fell into our lap, recently, was some money. Just a small bit. Not a lot, really. We decided not to split it 5 ways, because we are all full of spite and rage against Yellow Fever. If you need to ask why, you clearly don't know Yellow Fever!
So, we sent the money off as a donation to the Cal Band. Then, we got this letter. Make sure to read it in its entirety:
So, my question is, what was Bob thinking as he signed this one? What could have been going through his mind about this epic stupidity???
Firstly, I had totally forgotten when TedfordIsGod got all pissed about that post on Screen Passes. That ranks up there about the time when Beastmode flipped his shit over the AtQ post on Ludwig.
Secondly, we get a sweet letter back, thanking the California Golden Blogs for their gift in honor of Danzig. Sweet! A gift in honor of Danzig. Ya! On official letterhead. With Robert Calonico's original signature! That might be worth something some day!
So, recently, we came into a bit more money and decided to make another donation to the California Marching Band. And I know now was my chance. My chance to live the dream.
To live the dream of having an original letter of Cal Band Letterhead with Robert Calonico's signature thanking the California Golden Blogs for their gift in honor of..............Penis Vaginersson.
Now, I went back and forth on that. Vagina Penisson? Vagina Penistein? Penis Vaggecchio? MarPenis Lynch? There were so many different permutations, but Penis Vaginersson seemed to the best bet. So, with no small amount of trepidation about the historic step I was understanding, I made the move. BAM!
Every day after wards, I waited by the mail just hoping, dreaming, waiting for the day. The day when that letter would come. And finally, the other day it was there. YES ! YUS! YES! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!?!?
But wait, no, what's this, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The sentence thanking the Golden Blogs for their gift was CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT.
As the tears burned my cheeks and my body collapsed towards the ground, I knew I was crushed. Emotionally. The band. The very institution that had nurtured me from my Cal infancy to the immature toddler I am today had done this to me. They had cut me. They had hurt me. And I bled. Oh, how I bled. In my anger, in my RAGE, I sent this email off to their Executive Committee.
Hey we just donated some CGB money to the band. In honor of Penis Vaginerson. Normally when we get the letter, there's a sentence like "Thank you for your gift in honor of danzig." But this time that sentence was taken out. THAT'S THE VERY REASON I DONATED IT IN HONOR OF PENIS VAGINERSON!!! SO I COULD POST UP A SCAN OF THE LETTER THAT BOB SIGNED THANKING US FOR THE GIFT IN HONOR OF PENIS VAGINERSON. BUT IT WASN'T THERE?!??!
WHOSE DICK DO I HAVE TO SUCK TO GET AN ORIGINAL LETTER SIGNED BY BOB THANKING THE CALIFORNIA GOLDEN BLOGS FOR THEIR GIFT IN HONOR OF PENIS VAGINERSON. Because, honestly, I've been feeling too fucking professional lately. And if I can't get that letter, I mean why even manage this blog? What's the point, yknow?
Hope all is well!
I'm told they are working on something. Working on something. WORKING ON SOMETHING?!?! That better be building a fucking time machine and then getting into that fucking time machine and going back in time to write a better letter for Bob to sign.
And to think that the Cal band would be upended by another Cal institution. Although I of course can't post the email here, I did receive an email from somebody working deep in the Cal underbelly, whose job is to process these gifts. This person told us that the gift literally brightened their morning and felt moved to email us about it. See, marching band and other nay-sayers, I'm helping people.
I'M TOUCHING THE LIVES OF PEOPLE ALL AROUND ME! I am an inspiration for Americans. I'm a true American hero. And, besides saying nay, what have you done lately? Engage in in depth sports-related analysis? Discuss the deep political issues of the day? Fuck that shit. I donated several hundred bucks to the marching band in the name Penis Vaginersson. Hey, Obama give me some of that Nobel medal.
Bear Bites: The No. 2-ranked California men's water polo team (13-4, 1-1), winners of five of its last six matches, continues its MPSF slate with a 11 a.m. contest versus No. 5 Pepperdine (7-8, 1-2) on Saturday, Oct. 24 at Spieker Aquatics Complex. Last week, the Golden Bears won a key 7-6 MPSF match at No. 4 UCLA before upending No. 16 Santa Clara, 13-9, at Spieker Aquatics Complex. Cal had finished 3-1 the week before at the UCI Invitational with victories over Pacific (14-6), Loyola Marymount (9-8) and previously unbeaten and top-ranked Stanford (10-8), before falling to USC, 7-6, in the title match. Three of the Bears' four losses this season have come in he hands of the defending national champion Trojans. Against UCLA, Cal was led by sophomore attacker Ivan Rackov's three goals and sophomore goalie Wil Toppen, who earned the Oct. 19 MPSF Co-Player of the Week honor after talling nine saves and two steals versus the Bruins. It was the Bears' third MPSF Player of the Week accolade this season.
Cal Standouts: Head coach Kirk Everist's troops feature several key returnees from last season, including senior captains Spencer Warden and Mike Sample, and juniors Brian Dudley and Zach White - all members of the Bears' 2007 NCAA championship team. Warden and Dudley notched scores during the 8-6 win over USC in the `07 final. Warden, a three-time All-American, garnered second-team All-America honors last year after leading Cal with 40 goals and 68 steals; while Dudley was an honorable mention All-American after scoring 28 goals, including a match-winning shot in overtime at Long Beach State. The Bears also feature sophomore attacker Cory Nasoff, who earned this season's first MPSF Player of the Week honor when he notched 11 goals in three Navy Open matches. Cal's other MPSF Players of the Week this season are Toppen and junior center White, who was the Oct. 12 honoree after talling four goals apiece in both the LMU and Stanford wins, and had nine ejections earned in three UCI Invitational matches.