While on vacay (vacation for those not forced to watch Legally Blonde ten to twelve times a week), I had a lot of free time to write jokes. I have mentioned this previously.
But I failed to mention how I wrote quite possibly the greatest joke in the history of organized comic timing. The key to writing a good joke is balancing both the broad and narrow aspects of it. A broad joke, as the name implies, is one that might be appreciated by everybody in the world. A narrow joke is one that might be appreciated by a much smaller crowd. The purest narrow joke would be an inside joke with only you and a few friends.
Generally, narrow jokes are the funniest and wittiest, because as you appeal to more and more people you have to de-witty and de-funny it to make sure all get it.
For example, if you were to go to another blog and write "This" after all the posts, they probably wouldn't find it funny. Ok, bad example, because even here, nobody finds that funny. Nobody. Ever. Not even HolmoePhobe and I'm pretty sure that guy is the biggest humor slut in the history of humor and sluts.
Every now and then something comes along (like Seinfeld) that can write broad and witty jokes and those people make a LOT of money. I am not one of those people.
But I did manage to write one joke that is unprecedented in both its broadness and absurd wit. It's like an onion, you unpeel it and unpeel it and each time you see the joke from a different angle. You can't just experience the joke once, you have to see it from all the different angles. Like a fine wine, you have to really let it sink in and settle and then appreciate it.
Ok, are you ready for this joke. One so amazing, so unbelievably, so broad, yet so witty? Are you ready for this joke, ready to unpeel it layer by layer to see all the different prisms of hilarity inside? If you, LET'S DO THIS THING:
Just grab another dudes boob and yell "HONK!" really loudly.
OH MAN, just thinking about it makes me el oh el. I mean, you'd need a team of 15 Daily Show writers to come up with witty, yet urbane stuff like that. I dont know how I did it. I dont know how I did it.
As a minor aside, make sure ONLY to perform this joke on dudes. No need to get sexual harrassment on your record, is there? You can perform it with women around, but just be careful not to do it on a woman.
This, of course, leads to the Air Honk. The Double Honk. The Double Air Honk. You can't lose with quality stuff like that. So witty. Yet so urbane!
So, feel free to use this joke. Try it out on your family, your friends, your co-workers at the nunnery.
And, hopefully, like an onion, it made you cry. From Hilarity!!! NAILED IT!
Rugby slaughters Lumberjacks:
BERKELEY - A dozen Golden Bears scored a total of 16 tries as California won its season opener over Humboldt State, 103-0, Saturday on Witter Rugby Field.
A sparkling day greeted fans in Strawberry Canyon to see the 2009 Bears take the field, and Cal did not disappoint, playing sound rugby against a Lumberjacks team that has been a perennial participant in the Division II postseason.
Lumberjacks head coach Alex Lundberg, a Humboldt State graduate who played on teams that advanced to the national quarterfinals in 2004, final in 2005, semifinals in 2006 and quarterfinals in 2007, said, "When we play Cal, they always look the same. It's just really good, solid rugby."
Humboldt State took a crack at a three-pointer for the posts out of a scrum to get onto the scoreboard from the Cal 25-meter line in minute 11, but the attempted dropkick was blocked by Eric Fry. The senior lock exited the match with a cut above his eye seven minutes later, but after the match said, "It looks like it could the beginning of a good year."
Mens Divers perform well:
LOS ANGELES, CALIF. - The No. 4-ranked Cal men's swimming and diving team had a strong performance from its divers Saturday, Jan. 10 at the Bruin Invitational in Los Angeles. The Golden Bears were led by sophomore Tom Henninger, the November and December Pac-10 Diver of the Month, who placed second in the one-meter event and third on the three-meter board.
Henninger, who has already qualified for the NCAA Zone meet in both the one and three-meter boards this season, narrowly missed winning the one-meter competition when he was edged out by Stanford's Dwight Dumais, 323.90 to 323.40. Cal has some other divers finish well on the one-meter board as freshman Joe Quattrocchi placed third (280.40), sophomore Taylor Dehn placed fourth (273.10) and freshman Bobby Sullivan was eighth (258.20).
Womens gymnastics opened season:
BERKELEY - The California Golden Bears women's gymnastics team opened its season Saturday, Jan. 10, with a 7 p.m. tri-meet, hosting Sacramento State and UC Davis at Haas Pavilion. Sacramento State, posting a team score of 191.975, edged UC Davis and Cal to win the team title.
Kelley, who placed fourth in the floor exercise with a 9.725 and fifth on the bars with another 9.725, finished third in the all-around. Junior Sophia Hocini was fourth in the all-around, followed by sophomore Stephanie Cheng in fifth who posted a personal best all-around score.
In all, the gymnasts had three personal bests in events, and both Cheng and Avery Gee had personal bests in the all-around.
Womens BBall wins:
BERKELEY, Calif. -- Senior forward Ashley Walker scored 14 of her 20 points in the first half and pulled down 10 rebounds and No. 13 California won its fifth straight game with a 62-34 victory over Washington on Sunday.
Walker, the Pac-10 leading scorer who moved up to second place on the Cal career scoring list during Thursday's 68-45 win over Washington State, shot 6-for-10 and was a perfect 7-7 from the freethrow line. It was the tenth time this season she scored 20 or more points in a game. The ten rebounds gave Walker her fifth double-double of the season and the 39th of her career.
Senior forward Devanei Hampton added 10 points and eight rebounds and junior guard Lauren Greif grabbed eight boards for the Golden Bears (13-2, 4-0 Pac-10), who were far from sharp in shooting just 41 percent and committing 21 turnovers.
Liz Lay scored 11 points to lead sloppy Washington (5-8, 1-2), which had to be happy to leave the Bay Area after a tough weekend that also included a record 77-point loss at No. 11 Stanford on Thursday night. The Huskies combined for 69 points in their two losses.
The Huskies committed 18 turnovers, were outrebounded 45-26 and fell behind big in a hurry and couldn't recover. Washington went 7:30 between its first and second field goals in the opening half and trailed 32-9 at the break. It was the lowest scoring first half in school history, beating the 12 points the Huskies scored in the first half of a 77-42 loss at Stanford last season. They shot 3-for-24 and went 0-of-12 from 3-point range.