It's OK if You're Into Beast-iality

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 5:31 AM PDT Comment 38 comments

It feels strange and totally wrong at first, but it feels oh so good. Unlike the other kind of Bestiality, this particular fetish is socially acceptable among Cal fans; the irrational love of the Beast that is Marshawn Lynch.

In this post Twist and I discuss the topic and try and understand our mutual perversion. Dude, it's going to be so cathartic!

And yes, we also have video...

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Beast-iality fetish: the epidemic appears to be spreading among Oakland youth.

So I'll go first...

1) He was our Beast first - Before the Bills fans dubbed him "Beast Mode"... we always knew him as just a total "Beast"... but we meant it in a more literal sense than they do. They guy would just power around defenders, run over defenders and punish those who stood in his way. He behaved like a wild animal on the field. It was a thrill to watch and it felt so good to be a fan. He dominated and embarrassed DBs so we felt like WE were actually dominating and embarrassing those DBs.

2) "Now they will fear you..." - Defenses truly feared Marshawn and with damn good reason. Defenders could be in perfect position to make a tackle and miss. The delayed blitz could be time perfectly, but Marshawn would still get away. The sort of chaos that Marshawn brought to bear made our play-action work, freed up the Hawk across the middle and ruined the marriages of countless Defensive coordinators.

3) He actually was a nice guy - A self professed 'momma's boy' he almost seemed shy on the sidelines and with the press. He hardly ever looked into the camera during interviews. He gave credit to his O-line and quarterback and he was great with the fans. Plus I always liked that he showed so much love to his family... "family first...yeah...you feel me?"
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So, that's why I love Marshawn... what say you Twist?

Danzig wanted me to write a long, flowing piece of amazing oratory to help prep you to enter the BEAST MODE state of mind. To that end, I have penned this Henry David Thoreau-esque poem:

Roses Are Red
Violets Are Blue
Shut up And Watch The Video

- TwistNHook

....what? I F* * *n hate you.

Marshawn Lynch College Highlights 1

Marshawn Lynch College Highlights 2

Marshawn Lynch College Highlights 3

Marshawn Lynch College Highlights 4

If any of the above videos aren't working, go directly to these links:
Marshawn Lynch Extended College Highlights 1
Marshawn Lynch Extended College Highlights 2
Marshawn Lynch Extended College Highlights 3
Marshawn Lynch Extended College Highlights 4

JUST FOR FUN
Our own Cosmo quiz to determine if you have a Beast-iality fetish:

BEAST-IALITY PERVERSION TEST
(get out a piece of paper and record your answers)

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PICTURE #1
A) Texas A&M 2006
B) Texas Tech 2004
C) Oklahoma 2005

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PICTURE #2
A) Washington 2005
B) Washington 2006
C) Washington 2007

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PICTURE #3
A) Oregon 2005
B) Oregon 2006
C) Oregon 2007

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PICTURE #4
A) BigGame 2005
B) BigGame 2006
C) BigGame 2007

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PICTURE #5
A) Portland State 2006
B) Sacramento State 2005
C) Oregon 2006

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PICTURE #6
A) Penn State 2005
B) BYU 2005
C) BYU 2006

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PICTURE #7
A) Air Force 2004
B) Illinois 2005
C) Texas Tech 2004

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PICTURE #8
A) BigGame 2004
B) Washington State 2006
C) BigGame 2005

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PICTURE #9
A) Washington State 2006
B) BigGame 2006
C) BigGame 2004

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PICTURE #10
A) Women's Huddle 2004
B) Fan Appreciation Day 2006
C) Pre-Game 2007

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PICTURE #11
A) Arizona 2005
B) Arizona 2006
C) Minnesota 2006

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PICTURE #12
A) USC 2005
B) USC 2006
C) Arizona 2005

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PICTURE #13
A) Oregon State 2006
B) Washington State 2005
C) Washington State 2006

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PICTURE #14
A) May 17th 2007
B) Feb 18th 2006
C) Jan 21st 2007

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PICTURE #15
A) Twist's Living room
B) Twist's Bed room
C) Twist's Porn Lair

ANSWERS:
1) A - Texas AM 2006
2) B - Washington 2006
3) B - Oregon 2006
4) A - BigGame 2005
5) C - Oregon 2006
6) B - BYU 2005
7) C - Texas Tech 2004
8) A - BigGame 2004
9) A - Washington State 2006
10) B - Fan Appreciation Day 2006
11) A - Arizona 2005
12) B - USC 2006
13) A - Oregon State 2006
14) A - May 17th 2007 (A's Game)
15) C - Twist's Porn Lair

WHAT YOUR RESULTS MEAN:
1-4: Get the f* * * off our blog Oregon fans!
5-8: Wow, you watch our games... that's cool man... good for you, really man, be proud.
9-12: Hello there Cal fan... you know your shit and you own a #10 jersey because you figured that you were getting two for the price of one.
13-14: Damn, you nasty! You frick'n know a shitload about Cal football. Plus you might be reaching a level of Beasti-ality that might warrant a restraining order.
15: Your knowledge of Cal football is **too** perfect... you got rejected from Cal and went to community college, but lie about going to Cal on your resume. You're terrified of being found out so you overcompensate by blogging incessantly at CGB. You've become obsessive about everything related to Cal and Marshawn. Mountebank thy name is Twist.

In Next Week's Issue:
Quiz - Does your boyfriend really love you?
Advice - 5 ways to get him to pop the question.
Products - 3 eye shadows that will change your life.

Poll

On a scale from 1 to 10, how unimaginably awesome is Marshawn?

Fourteen hundred gazillion plus another coupla billions on top of that

92 votes

92 votes | Poll has closed

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

3 recs | Comment 38 comments

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Comments

Danzig, a lot of people are called it, but you really are the man.

by Itchy25 on Aug 9, 2008 5:49 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Thanks man. Hope they’re as fun to watch as they are to make.

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 12:49 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Absolutely. They really get the adrenaline flowing…only 21 days ‘til church.

by Itchy25 on Aug 9, 2008 2:37 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

This is all great, Danzig, but I’d love to learn more about this eye shadow that changes ones life!

"Save The Oaks: Overthrow Capitalism" said Dumpster Muffin sanguinely

www.CaliforniaGoldenBlogs.com

by TwistNHook on Aug 9, 2008 7:11 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Guys

First off, Twist: your poetic command is so. . . is so. . . so. . . .urbane. In a twisted kinda way.
For the record, I scored a 6 (which is too bad, because my favorite number to say is 5. go ahead, say it, “5” . the whole “fff” and the “vvvv” with the “iiiii” in the middle. just something about it?).

Which brings me to this: Do you know how I know I’m going gay? #1- I just LOOOOOOVE that Nate with the SuperDong statue. I can’t stop looking at it! #2- I now find “bestiality” quite appealing. Go figure?

by BixBeiderbecke on Aug 9, 2008 7:27 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

The superdong statue? Is that what we’re calling it now? Haahaha.

How can you score a 6? I made sure you can answer all of them except one using logical deduction… that is if you know when we play road games vs home, jersey colors of opponents etc. Some of the frosh stuff is super hard though.

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 10:34 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Except that he only wore 24 his first year.

by OskiMonsta on Aug 9, 2008 10:37 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

I know… what is your exception referring to?

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 10:39 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

That makes it easy to identify photos from his frosh year, so not so tough.

by OskiMonsta on Aug 9, 2008 10:42 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

ah… good point.

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 10:43 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

And it was only today, nay- this morning. . .

. . .that I realized the Beast wore #10?

SuperDong
LongSchlong

whatever it takes?

by BixBeiderbecke on Aug 9, 2008 10:47 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

You can tell the writers of this blog are current Cal students...

...because they don’t know what it’s like to have a RB that doesn’t fumble all the time!

As a member of the class of 2000, trust me, it’s nice. And you should expect more from your RBs! For every amazing Beast Mode play, there was attempted beastery that ended up with a turnover or a net loss of yardage.

by markdash on Aug 9, 2008 10:08 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

I think three of those fumbles can be excused because he was playing with a broken pinky for four games… with a cast in two of them.

The other times were inexcusable, but it’s a tradeoff… you can ask Marshawn to not dance so much and keep going forward or go down and he will fumble less and have less negative runs… but that is suppressing his Beast instinct to never go down no matter what… and that’s the trait that made him so great.

In the end there was always more net positive yardage.

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 10:38 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Yet. . . .

. . .one MORE reason I know I’m going gay:

I’m newly becoming down with Marshawn, because ALL YOU GUYS are down with Marshawn. (oops, the soap just slipped outta my hands? no! lemme. i’ll bend down and get it.)

by BixBeiderbecke on Aug 9, 2008 10:56 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

I don’t know if this is disturbing or hilarious.

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 11:57 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

We'll need clarification on this, Twist?

Is “Bestiality” a state of being, disposition, or affliction?

Because. . . .1 outta 3 ain’t bad. For homosensuousness, that is.

(psssst. pick “hilarious” puh-leaze)

by BixBeiderbecke on Aug 9, 2008 12:08 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

hm

Do you mean you enrolled in 2000? Because if you did, then you didn’t see Marshawn play until your senior year…

Anyway, I’m a member of the class of 2004 and only remember Marshawn’s being a problem during one game where Marshawn fumbled twice in the first half and got benched for the second half. Forgot which game that was, though I remember we still won. And at any rate, only 2 fumbles in 298 touches last year as a member of the Bills means it isn’t much of an issue now, even if it was then.

I'm still wondering why the Nets didn't draft Leon Powe.

by yellow fever on Aug 9, 2008 11:47 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Class of 2004 meaning I was there for the 2001-2004 college football seasons.

I'm still wondering why the Nets didn't draft Leon Powe.

by yellow fever on Aug 9, 2008 11:48 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Big Game 2006 right?

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 11:54 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Ok, maybe we didn't win

God I hate Oregon State.

I'm still wondering why the Nets didn't draft Leon Powe.

by yellow fever on Aug 9, 2008 11:59 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Oh yeah!... I mean, oh yeah…

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 12:00 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

I am going to overlook the criticism of Marshawn to note that a)none of our writers have been Cal students for a few years now and b)I’ve been watching football (pro and college) since the mid 90s and I’ve never seen a RB as awesome as Marshawn and c)most importantly, he didn’t fumble a single time in 2006 apparently. I couldnt find stats for 2005 or 2004.

"Save The Oaks: Overthrow Capitalism" said Dumpster Muffin sanguinely

www.CaliforniaGoldenBlogs.com

by TwistNHook on Aug 9, 2008 1:21 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Marshawn is a fresh of breath air

Now there you have it.

Thanks for the great highlights once again!

by OskiMonsta on Aug 9, 2008 10:39 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

My second fav line in the lexicon of Marshawnisms… even tho he didn’t say it… he brings it out in people.

My fav is, “Who’s Beethoven?”

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 10:41 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

A big dog from a movie, right?

by OskiMonsta on Aug 9, 2008 10:46 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

haahaaa… what dreck. I seriously believe Marshawn is acting when he says those things to give the impression he’s stupid, but he’s really not. He got a wonderlick score of 42 and didn’t I hear one time that his GPA was 3.0?

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 11:14 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

yeah, about that 42

I’m not sure where it came from, or why my previous edit of Marshawn’s wikipedia got removed (I said he was related to Josh Johnson, which Wikipedia decided to remove for lack of sourcing, but they left Marshawn’s 42 up with a lack of sourcing) even though I found in my hometown paper that Marshawn actually scored a 14.

I'm still wondering why the Nets didn't draft Leon Powe.

by yellow fever on Aug 9, 2008 11:34 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Beethoven=dreck???

You can’t be serious!
New poll:

Is Beethoven the movie “dreck”?
A: NO!
B: Hell no!
C: Yes, but still better than Point Break! (a movie a number of posters seem to be mysteriously obsessed with – names withheld to protect the innocent)
D: WTF is dreck? (Don’t be afraid to admit it, I had to look it up and so did Marshawn.)

by OskiMonsta on Aug 9, 2008 3:29 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

I like the line from the Las Vegas bowl in 05. I forget the specifics but its like “I do it 7 days a week 365 days a week” or something like that. Classic!

"Save The Oaks: Overthrow Capitalism" said Dumpster Muffin sanguinely

www.CaliforniaGoldenBlogs.com

by TwistNHook on Aug 9, 2008 1:23 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Great job Danzig, as usual. At first I thought a new poll would be a good idea—

Which video is most BeastMode?
A) Yes

but then I thought about our running game last year, and I remembered those goal line situations where we came away with a field goal, and then my spirit was broken. Here’s hoping Jahvid turns into an every down back.

by sec119 on Aug 9, 2008 3:07 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Twist made that poll… can’t you tell by its scientific nature?

I like the second vid the best because it had the BYU game in it and he was def a Beast in that game.

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 7:07 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

13 out of 15

missed 11 – both Arizona 05 and Minn 06 were at home, so you have a 50/50 shot there.

13 – that looked like a road uni to me, so I went with WSU 06 (same jersey he’s wearing in number 9). Are you sure it’s not C? OSU 05 and WSU 06 were both home games.

www.californiagoldenblogs.com

by CBKWit on Aug 9, 2008 4:53 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

’#11: the clue was the helmet shades and the cast on the hand. He wore the helmet shades in 2005. He wore a cast twice in 2005, once it was white (UCLA) and once it was black (Arizona).

’#13:
http://www.mybearterritory.com/cal_bears_football_gallery/2006_cal_at_oregon_state/index.htm

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 7:14 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

ahhh

for some reason I thought it said OSU 2005, not 2006. My bad.

www.californiagoldenblogs.com

by CBKWit on Aug 10, 2008 12:19 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

BTW

Getting 13 out of 15 is astonishingly hard to do. You would first have to remember what games in 2007 were road vs home games and extrapolate backwards for each team…. then you would have to use the clues in the pictures (which are few).

by danzig on Aug 9, 2008 7:18 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs