FanPost

[Official] Treesitter Removal Ideas, Theories, Truths, and Consequences

From: First Officer and Official of Officious Officiousness Spazzy McGee

To: All CaliforniaGoldenBlogs Purveyors, Partakers, Perusers, and ... Picnickers?

It has come to my attention that the time for removing the Photosynthetically-Enhanced Societally-Challenged Dwellers draws nigh.  In this thread we shall participate in a think tank wherein all possibilities of their immediate and/or gradual removal shall be considered without remonstrance or chastisement.  The rules are thus: as long as no one dies, all methods are kosher. 

Engage. 

From: Cpt. Spazzy McGee,
To: Deputy UCPD Chief Mitch Celaya, UC Spokesman Dan Mogulof, Athletic Director Sandy Barbour, Head Football Coach Jeff Tedford

Command Protocol for Extraction of Upper Bough Layer Arboreal (Sub)Human Presences.    


1. Attempt parlay via smoke signal, Papuan interpretive dances about recycling, or Nelson Mandela, whichever makes the most sense to whoever wins a leg-wrestling derby between Zachary Runningwolf, Ayr, Dumpster Muffin, and George Wendt.  (Negotiate.)

2.  If negotiation fails, instigate full police presence around the perimeter to prevent climb-ups, hop-ons, hop-offs, drop-offs, and any outbreaks of disorderly odiferous nincompoopery.  (Contain).

3.  Ensure Chlorophyllic Intruders stay in their redwood by chopping down surrounding limbs from oaks. (Isolate.)

4. Immediately string up netting underneath the redwood to prevent deaths from any sporadic and spontaneous Gravity Protests.  (Secure.)

5. Remove, in the most gratuitously violent chainsaw trunk-hackery, all surrounding trees in full, to further isolate Altitudally Elevated Gymnospermal Offenders.  (Chainsaw Commencement Phase I).  

6. Use any and all extraction techniques possible: ninjas, zombies, expert climbers, cherry pickers, cranes, SWAT teams, hook n' ladders, pepper spray, pepperjack, pickled peppers, NINJA ZOMBIES. (Final, Complete Future Frightened-Inmate-Number-Two Removal).

7.  Remove last trees.  "Accidentally" remove 50 more, for good measure.  (Chainsaw Commencement Phase II).

8.  Spray down area with 100% Ethanol with Diclofenac, DDT, and New-Car-Smellicules in solution in order to remove all traces of veganism, projectile feces, and bong resin.  (Sterilize).

9.  Initiate construction sequence.  (SAHPC built).

10.  National Championship. (Celebrate).

11.  If all previous methods fail, as I have mentioned before: Nuke From Orbit, Then Kill It With Fire.  (Spite.)

12.  Any questions or random gibberish to spew on about for hours, please contact me directly at the Tree-Sitters Ground Support Hotline. 

 

 

Sincerely yours,

Spaznitius Marshawnian McGee Jr, III

 

The opinions expressed in a FanPost are, in every way, reflective of the opinions of every California Golden Blogs Marshawnthusiast. Moreover, they are reflective of every employee of SBNation, including Tyler "Blez" Bleszinski.

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