The other day, our esteem presidential candidates tried their hands at stand up comedy at this big fancy shmancy dinner.  Ya, not just fancy.  Shmancy!  They even wore white ties!

And the two candidates roasted each other.  You can easily find the videos on youtube, if you are so inclined.  Search for the Alfred Smith Dinner and either McCain or Obama.

The candidates had clearly top notch writers helping them on this.  Lord knows HOW many hours Bruce Villach spent writing this material! 

So, it was on to them to deliver it well.  McCain actually did a pretty decent job.  But Obama was bad.  HILARIOUSLY bad.  The material was SO good that he was still funny, but you knew it could have been a billion times better.  The problem is Obama's always so serious speaking style.

Obama's speaking style seems to be this sort of avant guarde haiku.  He breaks everything down into little chunks of information, making it easier for Barack SixPack to understand what he's saying.

I'll tell you, Joe

The Plumber Under My

New Tax Plan Your

Fine Would Actually Be

Zero

And he brought this same choppy speaking style to an event that required more flow.  More flow!  We get bits like:

Where are those

greek columns that

I requested for my

speech

OR

I share the

ears of Alfred

E.

Neuman

See, he's too serious.  He has to be serious all the time, so when he tries to do comedy, even with world class material, it can fall flat.  That's why I could never run for president.  You have to be so serious ALL the time.  People come and tell you their sob stories and you have to pretend to care and tell them how you'll help them out.

People would come to me and be all "My grandmother was just evicted!  HALP!"  My only response would be "This is a problem, how?  Let me guess, it took them like 2 hearings to get her evicted.  Amateur hour.  Amateur hour!" 

That might not go over well.  Lord knows we'd also have something like this:

Presidential Assistant:  "President T. Nathanial Hook, we are being attacked by the radical Jewish Russo-Chinese!  What do we do???"

President Hook:  "RELEASE THE STEGOSAURUS!  PERRY SHALL SAVE US!"

Assistant Dude:  "Sir, all Stegosauruses, Perry or otherwise, died in an asteroid related extinction millenia ago."

President Hook:  "Nailed.......it?"

Assistant:  "You've nailed NOTHING!"

So, clearly, Obama should leave the stand up to trained professionals.  You don't see me going to his place of business and knocking the health care plan of out his hands!

Plus, thanks to this website I can never EVER run for president.  The headlines would be like this:

"T. Nathanial Hook announces presidential campaign.  Allegedly watched Gossip Girl.  More on this breaking news at 11!"

"T. Nathanial Hook put his wedding during a Cal game.  Can you trust this man?"

Damn you, California Golden Blogs!  Ruining my dreams for the 2nd straight year.

PS Of course, one last reason I can't run for president?  HydroTech is a domestic terrorist.

Men's Water Polo has a trio of games this weekend:

Bear Bites

The No. 3-ranked Cal men's water polo team (11-4, 0-1), the defending 2006 and 2007 national champions, return to Spieker Aquatics Complex this weekend for three matches when the Golden Bears host No. 4 UCLA Saturday, Oct. 18 at 10 a.m. in an MPSF conference match and No. 13 Santa Clara at 12 p.m. and UC Santa Cruz at 3 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 19. In the Bears only other home match this season, they defeated Pacific, 16-4, on Oct. 4. Cal last defeated No. 11 UC Davis, 11-2, Saturday, Oct. 18 in Davis. Against the Aggies, seven different players scored, led by junior Mike Sample with three goals and sophomore goalie Jacob McIntosh with eight saves. Cal has now won five of its last six matches after suffering two losses at the NorCal Open and a loss in an MPSF match at Pepperdine; its first three match losing streak since 2004.

Field Hockey takes on Stanford in what I can only assume is called the Big Stick:

This Week
The No. 15 California field hockey team (11-3, 5-0 NorPac) hosts rival Stanford (4-9, 2-2 NorPac) in the Golden Bears' final home game of the season at 1:30 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 24, at Maxwell Family Field. The Bears will also honor their 10 seniors prior to the non-conference game as part of Senior Day.

Cal will play its conference game against the Cardinal on Nov. 1 in Stanford, Calif.

Bears Steady in STX/NFHCA National Rankings
Cal remained at No. 15 in the latest STX/National Field Hockey Coaches Association poll. The Bears did garner 294 points this week compared to 242 last week.

Cal in the National Stats
Cal is ranked in the top 10 of several national statistical categories, including assists per game (3rd, 3.29), goals-against average (7th, 1.02), points per game (7th, 10.14), goals per game (8th, 3.43), scoring margin (8th, 2.25), scoring average (9th, 3.28), penalty corners per game (9th, 8.79), shutouts per game (11th, 0.36), winning percentage (13th, 0.786) and save percentage (0.766).

Individually, senior defender Rachel Moffitt ranks seventh in assists per game (0.93) and senior goalkeeper Kelly Knoche is eighth in GAA (1.09). Knoche is ranked in save percentage (17th, 0.767), senior midfielder/forward Ashley Glosz is ranked in goals per game (27th, 0.79) and points per game (44th, 1.71), senior forward Kellie York is 35th in assists per game (0.57) and senior midfielder/forward Andrea Lo is 48th in assists per game (0.50).

Carli Lloyd gets mad honors:

California volleyball sophomore setter Carli Lloyd was named the Sports Imports/AVCA Division I National Player of the Week today by the American Volleyball Coaches Association. The Bonsall, Calif. native also received Pac-10 Player of the Week honors for the second time this season. In addition, Lloyd was named the Cal Muscle Milk Student-Athlete of the Week.

This is the third time an athlete from Cal has earned the Sports Imports/AVCA Division National Player of the Week award. The last Golden Bear to earn the award was Mia Jerkov on Oct. 12, 2003. Lloyd was also named Pac-10 Player of the Week to open the season Sept. 2, making her second award the 24th such honor for a Cal player. The last Bear to earn Pac-10 Player of the Week more than once in a season was also Jerkov in 2003.

Lloyd directed the Bears (ranked No. 5 at the time) to a 3-1 victory over then No. 4-ranked Stanford. It was Cal's first win at Stanford since Nov. 15, 1979. In the match, she scored her fourth double-double of the season, as she dished out 55 assists en route to leading the Bears to a .260 hitting percentage while also recording 12 digs. In addition, she had three blocks in the upset win. At 17-1, the Bears are off to their best start in program history and have matched a school record with a 7-0 streak to open Pac-10 play.

Women's soccer to host Arizona:

Cal Continues Conference Campaign
The No. 22 California women's soccer team (9-5-0 overall and 2-2-0 in the Pac-10) will take on Arizona State (7-4-3, 1-2-0 Pac-10) on Friday, Oct. 24 at 3:30 p.m. and Arizona (8-6, 1-2 in conference play) on Sunday, Oct. 26 at 1 p.m. The Golden Bears are currently in fourth place in the competitive Pac-10, which has four teams ranked in the top 25. Cal won last seasons' meetings with Arizona State (3-1 on Oct. 26) and Arizona (2-0 on Oct. 28).

Bears Suffer Defeat in the Northwest
Cal lost two close matches on last weekend's road trip to the state of Washington. The Bears' lone goal in Oct. 17's 2-1 loss to Washington State came from senior forward Valerie Barnes. Cal outshot the Cougars, 15-9, and earned 12 corner kicks to WSU's five. On Oct. 19, the Bears held a 2-1 lead before surrendering two Husky goals late in the second half. Barnes came through to get Cal's first score at the 23:13 mark. With the game tied, 1-1, the Bears earned an indirect kick after being fouled in the 68th minute. Sophomore defender/midfielder Megan Jesolva made the first touch and freshman midfielder Katrin Omarsdottir shot from the left side for her second goal of the year. The Huskies scored two goals to take the lead late in the game. The Bears worked for several solid shots on goal in the final 10 minutes, but the UW goalie made three stops in the second half to secure the 3-2 victory for Washington.

 

Okanes has info on Tedford's comments on the QB situation:

Tedford reiterated that Nate Longshore and Kevin Riley will once compete once again for the right to start Saturday. He said both players need to show improvement, although each was also hurt by dropped passes against Arizona.

“We had a lot of balls go off people’s hands,” Tedford said. “They weren’t perfect throws. We can improve on accuracy and we can improve on making some plays when the ball is around us.

 

I thought Nate did some real good things in the first half _ but not perfect, by any means. And I thought Kevin did a couple of good things when he was in there. But it also wasn’t perfect. We need to be more consistent at quarterback; both of them, not one of them.”

 

Tedford also said that Longshore’s pass that was intercepted and returned for a touchdown by Devin Ross was a bad decision.

 

“Obviously, the interception for a touchdown is a chance that you just can’t take,” he said. “If you feel like it’s close, just throw the ball out of bounds.”

While Tedford said both Longshore and Riley need to improve, he also said the receivers need to step up their game as well. Not only were there several dropped balls against Arizona, there were other plays that could have been made when a throw wasn’t perfect but still catchable.

 

“I think they have the ability to make the tough catch,” Tedford said. “Every now and then if the throw isn’t there because there is somebody in (the quarterback’s) face, you would hope we could come up with a play here or there. They have the ability to.”

New B-Ball recruit?

Keith Gallon, who has roots in the Bay Area and is rated as the No. 5 center prospect in the nation by at least two scouting services, has included Cal among his three college finalists, rivals.com reports. This would be a huge recruiting coup for new Bears coach Mike Montgomery, but the deal is far from done.

Gallon, a 6-foot-8, 290-pounder nicknamed “Tiny,” said Oklahoma, Mississippi State and Cal are still in the running for his services. He visited Oklahoma in late September and is scheduled to check out MSU this weekend.

Steve Smith, who coaches Gallon at Oak Hill Academy in Mouth of Wilson, Va., said Cal is hoping to bring Gallon in for a visit over the Christmas holiday.

Cal players are optimistic:

BERKELEY — When the smoke finally cleared from Saturday night's disappointing loss at Arizona, Cal was able to look at the Pac-10 standings and see that there still isn't any other team ahead of them in the conference standings, at least in the loss column.

At 2-1 in the Pac-10 (4-2 overall), the Bears are one-half game behind four other one-loss teams — Arizona, USC, Oregon and Oregon State. Of the five one-loss teams in the conference, Cal has the most home games remaining (four). In other words, while Saturday's 42-27 setback wasn't such a fun thing, the Bears still have much to play for.

"We feel that we're going to win the Pac-10," Cal safety Marcus Ezeff said. "We're still in a good situation. We control our own destiny. We feel pretty confident we're going to win the Pac-10."

After Saturday's game against UCLA, Cal will play Oregon, USC, and Oregon State in consecutive weeks.

Ok, so bring the links!  BRING IT ON!  Dump away!  And GO BEARS!