Before this week started I probably would have just said "No, UCLA fans probably aren't palling around with murderous cannibals!"  But after having done a lot of research into that question, it appears that the answer is "Unequivocally, yes!" 

Who would have thought at the start of the week that we'd learn about the evil, dark side of these murderous cannibals and the people they pal around wth?  I thought we'd just share a few laughs.  Have some yuks.  Pulls some chains.  That's what I love to do, pulling some chains.  Just basically enjoy your standard Mustache Of Karl Dorrell Week.  Pretty standard chain pulling, really.

Maybe laugh about how dedicated Karl Dorrell was to taking UCLA down from the inside.  Look at some photos like this:

Hardy har har!  What?  Is that the Bruins new Tight End who will take over for their recently injured starter?  How come nobody has seen him around here before?  And why does it look like he has a fake nose?  Well, OK,  I can't see any downside to this, so let's just roll with this Groucho Marx looking motherfucker at tight end. 

So, to find out that UCLA fans are chillaxing with murderous cannibals, that was a shock.  How do I know that?  Let me take you down the rabbit hole. 

First, let's take a gander at UCLA QB and Big Murderous Cannibal On Campus, Kevin Craft.  To the murderous cannibal novice, it might not appear that this mild mannered man is a murderous cannibal, so I'll helpfully point out the warning signs below.

via www.pe.com

To see the warning signs, look at the hands there.  Also, look at the screaming visage.  Those are clear signs that Kevin Craft is in a Norwegian Metal Band of some sort.  Some have thought that he is in a Norwegian Speed Metal Band like Fimbulwinter or Carpathian Forest.  Others have thought that he is in a Norwegian Death Metal Band like Idjarn or Satyricon.  Only idiots would think hes in a band like Idjarn.  I mean c'mon people.  You went to Cal.  Why not try acting like it sometimes?

But look, it doesn't matter whether he is in a band like Gorgoroth or even Burzum (yes, even Burzum!), what is clear is that he is in a Norwegian Metal Band of some sort.  Don't believe me?  Look at this photo of Norwegian Metal Band, Mayhem:

via img.aftonbladet.se

Can you tell the difference?  I surely cannot!  Wait, is that Kevin Craft covered in pig's blood?  Or is that Necrobutcher? 

Now, let's get one thing out of the way immediately.  These Norwegian metal guys, they don't fool around.  They take this stuff seriously.  Take Mayhem for example.  The started out all nice:

Inspired by groups such as Venom, Slayer and Celtic Frost,[3] Mayhem was founded in 1984 by guitarist/vocalist Øystein Aarseth (aka Euronymous), bass guitarist Jørn Stubberud (aka Necrobutcher) and drummer Kjetil Manheim (aka Manheim). The band name is taken from the Venom song, "Mayhem with Mercy".[4] This lineup recorded and released the demo Pure Fucking Armageddon. Euronymous concentrated solely on guitar following the hiring of vocalist in 1986. During 1986 and 1987, Sven Erik Kristiansen (aka Maniac) and Eirik Nordheim (aka Messiah) were recruited as vocalists. This lineup recorded the band's first album, Deathcrush, and released it through Euronymous's newly formed label Posercorpse Music.

Sounds fine, right?  Øystein Aarseth and Co. put out their classic album "Pure Fucking Armageddon."  It rocks.  Just like when Kevin Craft beat Tennessee in overtime. 

Then, things go south.  Like that BYU game.  And fast:

At some point in 1990, the members of Mayhem moved to "an old house in the forest" near Oslo.[6] They began writing songs for their next album, De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. On 8 April 1991, Dead committed suicide in the house owned by the band. He was found by Euronymous with slit wrists and a shotgun round to the head. Dead's suicide note read "Excuse all the blood" and included an apology for firing the weapon indoors. Instead of calling the police, Euronymous went to a nearby store and bought a disposable camera to photograph the corpse, after re-arranging some items.[7] One of these photographs was later stolen and used as the cover of a bootleg live album entitled Dawn of the Black Hearts.[8]

Eventually, rumors surfaced that Euronymous made a stew with pieces of Dead's brain, and made necklaces with fragments of Dead's skull. The band later stated that the former rumor was false, but that the latter was true.[6] Additionally, Euronymous claimed to have given these necklaces to musicians he deemed worthy.

And this is what ALL the Norwegian metal bands do!  I'm telling you.  Kevin Craft is wearing necklaces with fragments of the former Tight End's skull and eating a stew with pieces of the linebackers brain!?!?!

Now, you might say "But Twist, the guy committed suicide, the cannibalization had nothing to do with murder??"  It............gets worse:

On 10 August 1993, Varg Vikernes murdered guitarist Euronymous. On that night, Vikernes and Snorre Ruch travelled from Bergen to Euronymous’s apartment in Oslo. Upon their arrival a confrontation began, which ended when Vikernes fatally stabbed Euronymous. His body was found outside the apartment with twenty-three cut wounds – two to the head, five to the neck, and sixteen to the back.[9]

It has been speculated that the murder was the result of a power struggle, a financial dispute over Burzum records, or an attempt at "out doing" the stabbing in Lillehammer.[10] Vikernes claims that Euronymous had plotted to torture him to death and videotape the event – using a meeting about an unsigned contract as a pretext.[11] On the night of the murder, Vikernes claims he intended to hand Euronymous the signed contract and "tell him to fuck off", but that Euronymous attacked him first.[11] Additionally, Vikernes defends that most of Euronymous’s cut wounds were caused by broken glass he had fallen on during the struggle.[11] Regardless of the circumstances, Vikernes was arrested within days, and a few months later was sentenced to 21 years in prison for both the murder and church arsons.[11] With only Hellhammer remaining, Mayhem effectively ceased to exist.

Kevin Craft is a murderous cannibal!  His Norwegian Metal Band murdered people, ate them, wore them.  And this is what UCLA fans want to be.  They love to idolize Kevin Craft for his quarterbacking daring, the same way we do with Nate Longshore.  The same way so many of us are running out to convert to Mormonism or throw back-breaking 4th quarter interceptions, many UCLA fans are wearing the necklaces of their friends and loved ones. 

You don't believe me.  You are thinking "I can't believe I just wasted 5 of my employers' valuable minutes reading this inane tripe and Wikipasting?"  My friends, ignore me at your own peril.  Look upon this photo in abject fear:

No, wait, wrong photo.  That's Karl Dorrell trying to sneak into Dark Crafticka as Dorrell The Red.  Or, alternatively, longsnap for the Bruins. Now, this here is the horrifying photo here:

via www.pe.com

I can't bear to watch it, yet cannot turn away!  All I can say is CBKWit, watch out!  RemorsefulBruinBabe might try to kill you!  She would wear you, but she's quite a bit more fashionable than that.  CBKWit, you are SO last season!

I didn't want to have to tell you this.  Many of my best friends are murderous cannibals.  And to have to compare them to UCLA students.  Well, that's, that's just unfortunate.  Sorry, Dark Angel!  Sorry, Scarred Angel!  Sorry Angel Angel!  But it just the way it is. 

And now you know the truth.  The awful truth.  UCLA fans want to be murderous cannibals!

And now for some links:

Cal women's tennis comes up short:

STANFORD, Calif. - No. 65-ranked California women's tennis senior Bojana Bobusic lost in her final match at the 2008 Wilson/ITA Northwest Regional Championships to No. 12 Melanie Gloria of Fresno State. The 6-3, 6-2 defeat came on the fourth and final day of play at the Taube Family Tennis Stadium in Stanford, Calif. However, by virtue of her advancement to the final match, Bobusic earns an automatic berth to the ITA Indoor National Championships, Nov. 6-9, in Charlottesville, Va.

In doubles play, the Golden Bears fared no better, as both teams fell in semifinal matches. The No. 24-ranked team of sophomore Marina Cossou and senior Claire Ilcinkas dropped an 8-3 decision to the top-seeded team of Renata Kucerkova and Anastasia Petukhova of Fresno State. The No. 8-ranked Bulldog duo went on to win the doubles championship.

Cal's other doubles team of freshman Jana Juricova and senior Marion Ravelojaona fell to No. 1-ranked Melanie Gloria and Tinesta Rowe of Fresno State, 8-4, in the other semifinal match. Rowe and Gloria eventually lost to Kucerkova and Petukhova.

But men's tennis does good:

BERKELEY - The California men's tennis team duo of senior Geoff Chizever and sophomore Pedro Zerbini emerged as the champions of the doubles draw at the 2008 Wilson/ITA Northern Cal Championships on the courts of the Hellman Tennis Complex today in Berkeley, Calif. The pair opened the day with an 8-6 win over Derek Drabble and Martin Kildahl of Washington in the quarterfinal round before dropping an 8-4 victory on Alex Clayton and Bradley Klahn of Stanford in the semifinal.

The final match was originally scheduled for Tuesday (Oct. 21) but the teams agreed to play one day early to allow the Washington squad to return to Seattle, Wash. one day ahead of schedule. In the final match, Chizever and Zerbini pulled out an 8-5 win over Patrik Fischer and Jeevan Nedunchezhiyan to claim the doubles title. As winners of the regional championships, Chizever and Zerbini earn a berth into the field of 16 doubles teams to compete at the 2008 ITA National Indoor Championships, Nov. 6-9, in Charlottesville, Va.

In other doubles quarterfinal matches, junior Kallim Stewart and freshman Thai Tu fell to Clayton and Klahn in an 8-3 loss. Cal's pair of sophomores Jonathan Dahan and Bozhidar Katsarov defaulted on points and were not allowed to compete in their quarterfinal match, allowing Fischer and Nedunchezhiyan to walk over to the semifinal round.

Women's b-ball is highly regarded:

BERKELEY - The California women's basketball team was selected as the No. 2 team in the nation in the Athlon Sports preseason poll and No. 8 according to Lindy's preseason top-25 poll. The No. 2 ranking is the highest the Golden Bears have received under fourth-year head coach Joanne Boyle and is likely the highest ranking in the history of the Cal program.

The Bears were ranked as high as No. 8 for several weeks last season. Cal set a school record for wins in a season with a 27-7 overall mark and earned its first NCAA Tournament victory since the 1993 season. The Bears finished with a school-record 15-3 mark in the Pac-10.

The Bears were also predicted by USA Today to advance to the 2009 NCAA Sweet 16. Cal's 2008 NCAA Tournament selection was a school record third consecutive playoff berth. This year's schedule for the Bears features six teams that competed in the 2008 NCAA Tournament and three WNIT selections.

Led by first-team All-Pac-10 choices Ashley Walker and Devanei Hampton, Cal returns all of its 2007-08 starters this season. Walker and Hampton were named to the 2008-09 preseason watch list for the State Farm Wade Trophy Division I Player of the Year award, as well as selected as preseason All-Americans by the Sporting News.

If you havent already seen, Cal-Oregon is at 12:30:

BERKELEY - The Nov. 1 California-Oregon football game has been selected for a regional telecast by ABC and will kick off at 12:30 p.m. from Memorial Stadium in Berkeley. This marks the Bears' ninth game this season to be chosen for TV, with future selections expected.

Tickets are available for all remaining Golden Bear home games by visiting the Tickets link at CalBears.com or by calling (800) GO BEARS.

This weekend's contest vs. UCLA will be shown on ABC as well, starting at 12:30 p.m.

To date, Cal has already appeared on ABC three times, with the UCLA, Oregon and USC (5 p.m.) games still ahead on the network. The Bears were also on ESPN at Maryland and on Comcast SportsNet California for the Washington State, Colorado State and Arizona contests.

Ok, here are some links to get us started.  I'll bring more in as I see them and I hope you join me.  And if you look over and see Kevin Craft or any of his UCLA minions trying to take a bite out of you, please alert the local authorities.  GO BEARS!